Welcome back to this sad, dark corner of the internet.
It’s just about Christmas time for the degenerates out there, what with the first weekend of March Madness games right around the corner. If you’re smart like me, you’ve found a way to be in-between jobs/school during this magical time of year. If you haven’t taken work off for this Thursday and Friday months in advance you’re a chump and I really have nothing to say to you.
Now that I’ve finished up alienating the readers, it’s time to talk turkey. I’m not going to tell you who to bet on in which particular matchups here, but rather an overall betting strategy that has stood the test of time. There’s some bracket filling-out tips as well in case you want to submit one more last-minute to your office pool. That is, if you haven’t quit your job yet.
Before we get to this, I’m going to ask you to do one thing: check all logic at the door. March Madness isn’t logical. There are no algorithms that will help you predict the 14 seed over a three seed upset. There is only hope and prayer and perseverance and aptitude and grit and indigestion. What I’m about to share with you is highly-researched. Don’t dispute me.
Let’s get to it.
Part I: the bracket
You’ve probably filled out a couple brackets by now. That’s good. I always like to fill one out against the clock so I have very little room to think. That’s the mindset you want to be in when filling out a bracket.
So here’s what you do when you fill out your bracket: pick the mascot that would win in a hypothetical fight. If a dog is playing a cat, you take that damn dog once a day and twice on Sunday. Dogs are 34-25 against cats all-time in the tourney, and that’s some math you just can’t argue with.
Another important strategy to utilize is to just throw all basketball knowledge away when filling this out. Who won your pool last year? Karen, from accounting? She can’t tell the difference between a basketball and grapefruit. She just chose the cutest mascots and where her friends went to college. No one with any ounce of advanced knowledge towards college basketball has ever won an office pool. That’s a fact, and if you’re going to leave here today with anything leave with that.
Part II: the build-up
So now that you’ve turned in your winning bracket using the formula I laid out below, you’ve got to find a place where you can simultaneously watch every single game at once. If you’ve got a man cave with four TVs on the wall, great good for you, can I come over?
If you’re like the rest of us, however, you’ve got to pony up to the local tavern, order a couple of sodas and watch these games with complete and total strangers. No worries. If you’re anything like me, you’ll be standing up at the wedding of some guy you met at a bar while betting on the Pac-12 Tournament in 2015.
The games start at 11, so you’re gonna be there awhile. Get something high in fat and cholesterol to eat in order to pace with your drinking. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, and we are athletes here.
So while you’re munching on fried pickles and Dale’s Pale Ale, you may feel a tingle in your pocket. You might want to put a little skin on the game. We know you already have a bracket filled out, but you want instant gratification, and you’re not going to win that gosh danged bracket anyway. It is time to start wagering on individual matchups.
Part C: lining your pockets
So here we are, gambling on the very first game of the weekend. Which is, *checks schedule* Princeton-Notre Dame! Oh this is sweet. Princeton is getting seven points in that one. You don’t need me to tell you to bet against Notre Dame twice, do you?
That’s the only freebie you’ll get! Throughout the tournament, here are some other strategies to utilize:
- Overall, teams with a blue color scheme are 271-196 against teams with a red color scheme
- Going off that strategy, bet orange teams whenever you can. (Sup, Virginia& Florida?)
- Bet against Minnesota
- When you don’t know who to bet in a game, pick the school that’s located where would rather live.
- Parlays and teasers, parlays and teasers.
Part 4: skipping town
So, you just quit your job to bet on college basketball for four consecutive days? You haven’t seen your wife and kids in 96 hours and you’ve been taking your showers at the Y?
This. Is. March.
If you’re up money (which you must be if you followed my directions) go swing by the pet shop on your home and buy a new puppy for the family. All will be forgiven. It worked for Don Draper!
HOWEVER. If, for whatever reason, you decided to not listen to me and you now find yourself down oodles of cash to the local number-cruncher here’s your chance to skip town! All you have to do is go and make a life for yourself in the town of the school that pulled off the largest upset of the weekend. You won’t be the only one doing so, and all you guys will set up a nice little commune in
*Looks up where Bucknell is*
I heard it’s beautiful there this time of year!