Hello Jerry Mailbag: Western Movies, Weight lifting and Wedding Planning Tips for the Uninitiated

Q: In the spirit of the outlaw Josey Jewell’s last game as a Hawk. 3 favorite western movies. Go.

— @Woodshed55242

Hello Jerry: In spirit of the outlaw who, Bee-tee-dubbya, is now a Sports Illustrated first-team All-American but not a Butkus finalist, I will answer just about anything. You could’ve slid into my DM’s with “In the spirit of the outlaw Josey Jerwell’s last game as a Hawk what are your three favorite flavors of chew tobacco” and I’d run to Wawa right now and try as many as I could.

Now, I know a few of you answered this question in the comments from my solicitation post on Wednesday and I look forward to hearing what SMA’s responses are as I am not the biggest “western” fan. BUT, I do have a few in mind:

1. No Country For Old Men - Some of you may not consider this a Western as it was set in the 1980’s and is based on a drug deal gone bad, but it has the feel of a new timey Western and I love the movie so deal with it. Tommy Lee Jones, Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin were each trying to clear out the lane for the entire film (plus you got some Billy Hoyle as Woody Harrelson).

For those that have seen it, do you remember how you felt during that coin flip scene at the gas station? BARDEM IS A FUCKING HAMMER. Steals the show. He gives you the goose bumps and makes you sit on the edge of your seat in anticipation. Every. Damn. Time. They should’ve just gave him the Oscar the minute that movie came out.

2. Tombstone - A modern day film about the Wyatt Earp and Doc Holliday (played by Kurt Russell and Val Kilmer) era in Tombstone, Arizona? Yes, please.

3. Cowyboys & Aliens - JUSTTTTTT KIDDING...

Django Unchained - This list is DEF showing my age and I apologize little for it. While I’ve only seen a few of the “classics” with John Wayne (Rio Bravo with my grandfather comes to mind) or Clint Eastwood (I enjoyed Unforgiven), all I know is that I had a freaking blast watching Django (and The Hateful Eight for that matter).

Yes, I am a huge fan of Quentin Tarantino. I look forward to the heat I’ll take for that.

While Unchained isn’t without its flaws (as is the case for most Tarantino movies) it had great momentum, Jamie Foxx was the best possible star to play the lead that wasn’t named Will Smith. The way he, Leo DiCaprio, Christoph Waltz and Samuel L. Jackson danced around each other while flexing their acting muscles was mesmerizing. Is it a bloody cartoon of a western? Absolutely. Is it made for everyone? No chance. Is it extremely provocative? Hell yes! And I love it.

With all of that said, I realize it’s a millennial list and I hope you all can just point me in the right direction to open my eyes to what your Top-3 lists are.

Q: If Doyle was a personal trainer and followed me (or you) around for a week straight what would he say? Note: shaking his head in disgust without actually speaking is an acceptable answer.

— JPinIC

Q: I don't think he'd make it a week. I think shaking his head in disgust after one day, then going to find someone better.

— chitownhawkeye

Hello Jerry: Woah, woah, woah CHITOWNHAWKEYE. I lift bro. I lift a lot, bro. Every morning, I wake up, bro, roll out of my king sized bed, tell myself that the choices I make today, bro, will be my biography tomorrow, bro, and then I drive 82-em-pee-horas in my Honda Brovic and sling weights around LA Fitness for over an hour. And then I do cardio. That’s right, CARDIO, bro.

Now, while I may not be in peak Iowa Hawkeye shape, I think Doyle could make it work with me personally. I have the will to put in the work, the persistence to push myself beyond my capabilities (you should check out my fourth sets, they’re pretty epic) and the consistency. That’s all he demands:

See? I’m Gucci.

When it comes to JPinIC, he’d be sucking wind in between vomiting in a corner within 15 minutes. Easily. JP and I used to be equals. One went to a crappy NAIA school to be a Tight End and the other went to another crappy NAIA school to play basketball. AKA PRIME ATHLETES.

I still remember playing ball near his corner apartment in Iowa City for hours on end. Just two greased up dudes in short shorts getting the best of each other:

Now? One of us is a 32-year old desk jockey who loves doughnuts, has two kids and spends too much time on Twitter looking up recruiting news.

The other is a 29-year old that just set a new squat record, golfs on the weekends and has been told in numerous pick up games that he has a natural athletic prowess.

So, I think the question that really needs to be asked is... Who you taking to last the longest with Trainer Doyle and why won’t it ever be Chitownhawkeye?

Q: How annoyed do you get at people who chill on a machine in a circuit training loop while you're trying to do the circuit.

Q: I'm a night workout kind of guy. Should I switch to morning workouts?

— EnergizerHawk

Hello Jerry: God, people really hate Iowa athletics right now. Anyways, people that sit on machines/benches or stand around the squat rack to do bicep curls can all go rot in a ditch somewhere. It might be the most annoying thing on the planet outside of people who take their shoes off on an airplane to let us all wallow in their stench and people that chew chips loudly right in your ear.

In terms of morning vs. night work outs, I do prefer the morning. For starters, there are like maybe 10 people in the gym that early and of those 10, eight may or may not be retired. Less people means less people hovering around and shooting the shit when I want to get work done.

Q: I got engaged a couple weeks ago. How do I plan a wedding?

— mattcabel

Hello Jerry: Let her and her mom run with it. When they come to you with a question or for your opinion (and they will), I fully recommend that you say the following “Yeah, that would be awesome!” or “Yeah, that would look great!” or if you want some major brownie points, “If that’s what you want, I want you to have it and I’ll do whatever I can to make sure of it!”.

Now, if she gives you a few of her favorite options for say, flowers, I want you to be very careful here. I want you to take both option into your hands, look deep into them while thinking about whether or not Jordan Bohannon will ever be freshman good again, then look back at her and ask which way she was leaning. After she tells you, ponder them both again, ponder them some more, hem and haw over it while moving your head around and then tell her you like the one she was leaning towards because “it fits perfectly with the dream you both have for your wedding night.”

It’s like the meme that’s sweeping the nation:

Suddenly, all the ancillary things that come with “The Knot’s Official Wedding Checklist” (this IS a real thing) will be exactly what her and her mother want anyways and you look like a god damned hero for it.

The only time these rules do not apply is during the tastings. Try every single morsel and be honest with what’s good and what sucks. If you don’t, you’ll end up with a white fish that tastes like air, a dry chicken dish and a vegetarian option for Aunt Susan.

You’re welcome and Mazel Tov!

Hello Jerry: I’d rather the first four games were played at the Top-4 schools for the same reason why I love when the first four games of the NCAA-Tournament are played at places like Dayton.

You just get a different feel when games of that magnitude are played in a college town at a historical college stadium.

Could you imagine Clemson and Oklahoma in a few weeks if they were hosting the first games of the College Football Playoff? It would be insanity. The amount of content SBNation (plus other websites) would get off that would be insane!

Hell, I’d just go to hang out (because I know I wouldn’t be able to afford a ticket).

Screw Jerry’s World.