TAKE MY MONEY: YOUR GUIDE TO GETTING RICH OFF CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP WEEKEND

Well here we are buckaroos. We have just a few weeks of meaningful college football left (bowl games don’t really count we’ll talk about that later) and it’s about that time to pull out your excel spreadsheets and see if you’re in the black or the red for the season.

If you’re in the black, great, this is probably your first time ever reading this column then. Please close your browser and hurl your laptop into the nearest body of water.

If you, like every other gambler I know, is in fact down money from wagering this college football season, please read on. This week we have a choose your own adventure format!*

*By choose your own adventure, I mean either take my picks or don’t.

So, without further ado, I present how you’re going to pay for Festivus this year.

STANFORD +4 (+160) VS. USC

I know, Stanford already got muffed by USC, but that was the second game of the season and this is a different Cardinal team now. Stanford owns the best player on the field in Bryce Love, and this game is absolutely meaningless nationally because A. neither team is going to the playoff and B. the Rose Bowl is a playoff game this year. It is meaningful, however, for Love’s Heisman chances. Expect him to tear it up.

TCU +7 (+240) VS. OKLAHOMA

If Oklahoma wins, it is in the College Football Playoff. Which is exactly why the Horned Frogs are going to make the Sooners dick-trip their way out of national title contention, once again making the college football world point and laugh at the Big 12 as it sharts all over a national stage.

AUBURN -1.5 (-125) VS. GEORGIA

I really want to take Georgia here for a couple reasons: the public is ALL OVER Auburn, I myself am a Georgia fan and it’s really, really hard to beat a team twice in the same year. (You will know I did pick Auburn to beat Georgia back when they first played a couple months ago).

All that being said, I just don’t think Georgia is all that good. This is a play-in game to the CFP, and Auburn deserves to get in. I think.

CLEMSON -9 (-355) VS. MIAMI

Clemson is probably your national champion. So you’d be smart to bet on them. Nine is a lot of points though! I wish I had a cool story about the number nine the way StoopsMyAss has a cool story about the number seven.

WISCONSIN +6 (+195) VS. OHIO STATE

This to me is even a bigger no-brainer than TCU over Oklahoma. Remember when Ohio State ROLLED over Wisconsin in Indy in order to get to the inaugural playoff back in 2014? Well we can all just put on a tin-foil hat here and say Ohio State owes Wisconsin a favor, cus the Buckeyes ain’t getting in to the CFP after their DEVASTATING loss to Iowa, and you just know the Big Ten NEEDS a team in the playoff or else Jim Delany is going to stop donating his blood to Lou Holtz.

FURTHERMORE ...

(looks in both directions)

(whispers)

(I think Wisconsin is in fact very good and Ohio State is in fact very overrated, especially with a crippled JT Barrett.)

(Buck ‘em Fucky.)

Parlay all these picks for financial freedom. And please, venmo me. None of you chucklefucks have given me a dime all year long and frankly I’m not sure if I’m going to be able to pull off not paying for heat for another winter.