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#HelloJerry Mailbag: Can Kirk Ferentz leave Brian Ferentz alone?

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What game in Iowa’s history would you use the Ohio State performance on? And EnergizerHawk gets his.

NCAA Football: Miami (Ohio) at Iowa Jeffrey Becker-USA TODAY Sports

Do you have questions? Comments? Concerns? Theories? General stories of debauchery? Send them to me! I will feature as many as my editors will allow every single Thursday until the end of time. You can send them via Twitter (@JerryScherwin) using the hashtag #HelloJerry (Eat It Blevins), add them in the comments of this column, shoot them over via email (jerome.scherwinjr@gmail.com), or on Facebook.

Let’s start off with a banger:

Hello Jerry: NICE!


Hello Jerry: YES! I’ve talked about this relentlessly with anyone and everyone that has asked me if I’m “still riding high” after that Ohio State victory (Most of which wouldn’t even know where Wisconsin is on a map). Without fail, I just frantically go from “They looked like the Patriots!” to “They’ll probably fall back to earth against Wisconsin and win a 17-14 Big Ten bloodbath”.

But my heart... MY HEART IS SCREAMING that tOSU game plan/play calling was to Brian Ferentz what Jaws was to Steven Spielberg. Now, before you jump off a mental bridge and head straight to the comments section, let me explain. Can you name ONE single movie/TV show/short that Spielberg made before Jaws? Can you name ONE single game that Brian Ferentz wowed the masses with his play calling/gameplan outside of a series here or there?

You can’t! I know, because I tried.

Spielberg had 16 director credits to his name BEFORE he made everyone’s favorite 4th of July movie. You would have to think that he spent that time figuring out that classic Spielberg visual style we’ve all come to love (so much so that we now watch well done knock offs just to get that feeling back again). Spielberg got hot. He got confident. He found “it”. And we all know what happened after the wild success of Jaws; Spielberg went on to direct Close Encounters of the Third Kind, Raiders of the Lost Ark, ET, The Color Purple, Temple of Doom, Hook...among many, many other classics.

He arrived and never looked back.

The Woodshed is BF’s Jaws. I just feel it.

And if I’m right, why would Kirk Ferentz jump in now and prevent his son of putting together his version of Jurassic Park on Saturday? Why would he meddle/force his will on an offense that scored six touchdowns against Ohio State? Why look back now?

The goal of Kirk’s nepoti...er...hiring of Brian HAS to be to set him up to be a head coaching candidate when he retires. Why stunt that growth a week AFTER he found his niche? Brian’s got something that works now. He has to be confident for the first time all season (you can’t tell me his blow up didn’t have at least a little bit to do with how poor Iowa’s offense has looked) that he can now build on.

I think it’s time for Kirk to ask himself; what do you believe in? If it’s his son’s capabilities as an offensive coordinator and eventual head coach of a major Big Ten program then he needs to let it all go and for once in his coaching life, JUST GO WITH IT.


Hello Jerry: Welcome to the life of a fence rider, Jason. It’s nice to see you.

While I love your question, I’m going to raise you. Why are there 718 Qdoba’s? Everything about Qdoba sucks. Their queso sucks. Their burritos sucks. Their service sucks. And THEY get almost 650 more locations than Panchy’s?

How is this fair? How is this right?

Why am I not able to enjoy a freshly pressed tortilla filled with pounds of MIXED ingredients any time I fly back to Chicago?

Do any of you loyal readers know of any Angel Investors that might be able to help us push Pancheros current owners into a wide spread expansion project? Let Jason and I know ASAP.


Warning: This is going to be the EnergizerHawk Rapid Question and Answer section. Reader beware.

Q: Will I ever get tired of laughing about 55-24?

Hello Jerry: Never.

Q: Which do you prefer: Pirates or Ninjas?

Hello Jerry: Easy, Pirates

Q: Which robot was cooler? BB-8 or R2D2?

Hello Jerry: First of all, they’re droids not robots, Energizer. Second, I think it has to be R2D2 if only because R2 was actually worth a damn. The only thing BB-8 did was act cute, follow people and maybe navigate an X-Wing? Gimme R2 all day.

Q: Can you name all of the Quarterbacks KF has had on his Iowa teams off the top of your head?

Hello Jerry: Starters? I think I got this... Nate Stanley, CJ Beathard, Jake Rudock, James Vandenberg, Ricky Stanzi, Jake Christensen, Drew Tate, Nathan Chandler, Brad Banks, Kyle McCann andddddd... that’s all I got. There may be one or two more. I’ll let one of you tell me who it is in the comments.

Q: What's your favorite Thanksgiving side dish?

Hello Jerry: Toss up between whatever cheesy potato/broccoli dish one of your aunts always brings or mashed potatoes with your grandma’s gravy.

Side note: I love stuffing, but it’s hit or miss depending on who’s making it. I’ve had some really shitty stuffing in my life and those key inconsistencies ultimately make it fall down my rankings.


Q: If you could bottle up last weeks game, take it back in time and open it to replace any game that we have every played, which would it be?

— chuck longs mom

Hello Jerry: Oh Mrs. Long you’ve done it again. You’ve allowed me to waste SO much time at work and at home thinking about this question. Not only did this spark something in the comment section in my solicitation post yesterday, but it sparked something in multiple text threads with some buddies of mine that graduated from Iowa. This question is so good that I even plan on asking the Kanye West of bad takes (GospelofMax) on The Pants Party Podcast next week, so tune in for that.

Now, I think the only two answers are both from that 2015-16 season in the Big Ten Championship game against Michigan State and the Rose Bowl matchup against Stanford.

If Iowa uses this years Ohio State game against Michigan State, the Hawkeyes not only have a Big Ten title to their names, but they also would have gotten slotted into the College Football Playoff. While my memory isn’t quite good enough to remember the argument going around at that time about whether or not an Iowa team and their “easy” schedule would’ve been ranked ahead of Oklahoma or not, I think it’s fair to assume the committee would’ve kept the Big Ten Conference Championship winner (especially one that beat an 11-1 MSU team by 31 points) over the outright Big 12 winner. That leaves Iowa going up against the future College Football champion and loaded Alabama Crimson Tide. We know how that game ended up for Sparty. Could Iowa have played them harder after an emotional win for a conference title and three weeks of prep... HAHAHAAHAHA YEAH RIGHT!

Would being Alabama’s doormat be worth using that game for?

That leaves the Rose Bowl (a 45-16 loss to Stanford).

Could you imagine if Iowa beat the Heisman Trophy runner-up 55-45 (or 55-24 depending on how this thing works) after the sunset in Pasadena? That’s the type of thing you never forget. That’s a performance that goes down as one of the greatest of all time and the perfect way to cap off a 13-1 season.

Do you know how many of us would still have selfies with roses in our mouthes as our social media pictures? It would be borderline unbearable.

To me, a Rose Bowl win does more for this program’s future than probably losing to Alabama in the playoff. Would it have been fun to be Big Ten Champions? Sure, but the prestige of winning the Rose Bowl would be an amazing feeling as a fan too.

Give me the Rose Bowl win after a 16-13 loss in which Iowa demanded and received tons of credit for how hard they played in that Big Ten Championship game.

Q: If Iowa were forced to abandon "Back In Black" (don't ask why, just go with it) for their intro song, and moreover the university faculty decided for PC purposes that the team’s entrance music could only be a song sung by a female singer — who and what song would you choose?

I looked through my own music, and I have lot, and it’s not easy.

— StoopsMyAss

Hello Jerry: Is “Work Bitch” not on the table?

My initial thought was MIA’s Paper Planes for the opening beat that could easily become the new version of the “BUH, BADUHDUHDUH, BADUHDUH” from Back in Back that always gets the people going:

But then I went back to my past, riding in the back of a school bus, wearing a FUBU jersey and South Pole jeans and listening to this track on repeat:

When Missy says “headbanger” and that funky Mulan beat hits with soft bass and that weird little snare in the back? You can’t help but get hyped. And just imagine what would happen during a night game when Iowa lets the song go a little to long and she drops the “Quiet!!/Shhh, hush your mouth/Silence when I spit it out/{spit sound}/In your face/Open your mouth, give you a taste/HOLLAAAA” bar? LETHAL.

When in doubt, go with Missy.

Q: First off, wanted to say what an excellent win over the Buckeyes - Hawkeyes are looking good! Now, in the spirit of basketball season starting on Friday - if you could attend one of these early season tournaments in person, which one would it be (Cayman Islands)? And which one would be the absolute worst to attend?

— Longtime Fan, First Time Question Asker

Hello Jerry: I’m going to the Maui Invitational and it’s not even for the basketball. I’m going in hopes of successfully stalking Bill Walton on his classic bike rides around the island. The amount of pleasure I would get from being able to hear him intertwine stories of drugs, basketball and rock and roll while also gushing over the beauty of Maui is probably insurmountable.

I watch this clip every time I’m having a bad day.

As far as the tournament I would never go to? It’s easily the Battle for Atlantis because I really, really hate that lighting in that ball room turned basketball arena.