TAKE MY MONEY: YOUR GUIDE TO BETTING WEEK 9

Hi, my name is Ben and I am incredibly average at betting.

Last week was a personal nightmare with college football wagers. But, just like I do every time I quit drinking on Monday, I get back on the saddle and ride it out come Friday. No, that wasn’t a cry for help. I’ll be fine. I always am.

ANYWAY, as we move past the alcohol-fueled gambling addiction, (one feeds the other and vice versa; it’s a dangerous merry-go-round of hopelessness) we have an EXCITING weekend of sports ahead of us. The higher power(s) above have blessed us with another Sports Equinox this coming Sunday, and I for one could not be more terrified for how this could turn out. So, in honor of my bookie being able to take advantage of me in all four major sports, I am going to provide three college football guaranteed locks*, a two-team NFL teaser that will contribute DOZENS of dollars to your child’s college fund, and a Sports Equinox Parlay of the Day.

Quick note: you know what you do when you have a bad week? You throw out looking at trends, numbers, and other sciencey crap and you go with your gut and some alternative facts.

Nebraska (3-4) at Purdue -5 (3-4) 6:30pm CST (that’s 12:30 GMT for our loyal London readers)

BTN has a thriller of a night game on their hands this week. This is one of those gut picks for me though. One time someone, somewhere said “There aren’t many things better than West Lafayette in late October.” He/she was wrong. But instead of listing those 341,873 things I’ll just give you one. And that’s the Purdue -5 free money train.

Here’s resident Purdue fan BoilerHawk on the matter:

I’m so horrified by that line, which is not a good place to be when offering gambling advice. But! I think Purdue’s offense gets itself back in gear after forgetting to pack it to Piscataway. They’ll win and avoid the backdoor cover despite Nebraska’s best efforts.

Just bet it. It’ll work.

#14 NC State (6-1) at #9 Notre Dame -7 (6-1) 2:30pm CST on NBC

The JFK documents were released yesterday and if you took the time to read through all of them, you’d see why the FBI/CIA/Notre Dame AD wants them to stay sealed. And that’s because Brian Kelly can be heard on the Zapruder films saying “I want to play in a conference so we can have a better chance at the CFP.” Total bombshell.

“I hate Notre Dame football” -everyone

“Notre Dame can’t throw the ball” -everyone?

“I’m not betting Notre Dame -7 this weekend” -no one

This Irish team is good and has a lot to play for. If it comes down to them being 11-1 at the end of the year and their only loss being to Georgia, they’re in. That schedule is going to turn out to be one of the toughest played. And the committee will respond. Expect the Domers to come out ready to win in South Bend aka The Vatican West.

Minnesota (4-3) at #NR Iowa -7 (4-3) 5:30pm CST on…FS1..?

This is an Iowa blog and if there’s anything I should know, it’s don’t bet Iowa football if you want to have a good weekend. But, here are some interesting facts that makes this bet worthwhile:

1) We’ve already bet two games that are being played in the state of Indiana. Iowa starts with the letter “I” just like Indiana.

2) Pretty sure no one has ever lost betting multiple favorites at -7. I’ll have an intern check on that stat and update if I’m wrong.

3) This is a 5:30pm start. Sunset in Iowa City isn’t until 6:04:55pm on Saturday. This is not a night game. This is a late dinner at your local Old Country Buffet game. Hawks have never lost in the 5:30pm slot on FS1 in games played against Minnesota. That is not a “trend,” that is a FACT.

4) Go Hawks.

NFL Teaser Special

Boy oh boy, this Content King™ just keeps chugging along. And I do it for you, the reader. Because if I have to scramble to sell off some Disney Europe stock on Sunday night so do you. We can all be miserable together!

6 Point Teaser (Raiders +8.5/Patriots -1.5)

The Raiders are coming off a nice long rest after their Thursday Night Football game against the Chiefs. Yes, they are 3-4 but they are better than what their record states. Derek Carr coming back is huge for this team and it showed last Thursday. Buy 6 more points and pray that this Bills defense messes up.

If you could take the Patriots at home -1.5 against the Chargers, wouldn’t you? Exactly. Buy the 6 points and don’t even check the score. The Patriots won 31-17.

SPORTS EQUINOX PARLAY

Now at this point on Sunday, you’re waking up and thinking “Oh shit, I need to check Ben’s parlay and sprinkle a little bit on it on the off chance it hits to make up for all of the money he lost me yesterday.” Well thanks for coming back and scrolling down to see what we’re taking today! Welcome to the Equinox presented by Equifax! Send me your SSN’s please.

*Most of these lines aren’t posted and are therefore made up*

Carolina Hurricanes/Anaheim Ducks Over 5.5 + Astros ML + Whatever the Warriors 1H spread is + Bucs -2

Canes/Ducks Over:

No write up, this was a rush decision

Astros ML

The only two MLB futures I placed this year were Astros to win the World Series and the Dodgers to win the World Series. So I’m playing with house money here. Astros have had magic at home. I think the Dodgers sneak one away on Friday or Saturday, making this a huge game to regain home field for the Astros. Here the two scenarios on why I’m betting this:

1) The Dodgers took one, Astros have a sense of urgency to get one back and leave Houston up 3-2

2) The Astros are up 3-1 heading into this game and Kershaw (unless they move up his start??) does what Kershaw does best in the playoffs. He chokes.

Warriors 1H Spread

I have no idea what it’s going to be and I don’t remotely care about the NBA, but I promised an Equinox parlay so I’m going to deliver. Just ride the wave baby. Close your eyes and just click that first half spread button and drop it in the parlay.

Bucs -2

The Panthers lost to the Bears last weekend. That was kind of funny.

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Anyways, there you have it folks. And remember, if we lose this week we just double up next week and make our money back. And we just continue that trend until we’re stealing Keurig cups from our offices and reselling them on Amazon to finance our children’s futures.

Good luck. Enjoy the weekend. And Venmo me more money. Please.