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Hello Jerry Mailbag: Getting Seasonal

Halloween, Candy, Beer and Christmas. Oh, and some Hawkeyes too.

Maryland v Iowa Photo by Matthew Holst/Getty Images

Q: Is Minnesota terrible enough that we can run nothing but outside zones to the boundary all game long and still keep Floyd?

— Hollywood Hawk Hogan

Hello Jerry: This was the kind of optimism I had last week... I miss being able to say things like this and feel good about it. But, as I said on The Pants Party podcast this week, I think I’ve finally learned my lesson. Iowa is a 7-5 football team every year, forever and ever. And that’s that.

Happiness comes from your expectations, ya know.

Q: If it wasn't a pig, what other member of the Zodiac calendar would you prefer we play for?

Your choices are Rat, Ox, Tiger, Rabbit, Dragon, Snake, Horse, Goat, Monkey, Rooster, or Dog.

— Alltheiowanamesaretaken

Hello Jerry: Well, Iowa already plays for an Ox, so that’s out. Playing for a bronze Dragon that looked like Mushu from Mulan would be fun, but PJ Fleck would probably boycott that because Dragons only exist in Fantasyland and there is no time during his teams elite day to think about fantasies. The only “monkey” Kirk has ever heard of is a wrench.

So that leaves a rabbit (meh), a snake (cool emoji factor), a rat (maybe if this was the Rutgers trophy game), a rooster (Cockadoodle Doo, it’s game day), a horse (#TillTheLand) or man’s best friend.

I think I’m in between a horse with a plow on its back or a snake in the weeds (Fleck gives off that kind of aura, no?). I think I’m leaning towards the horse because of how you could make the trophy look and how many players would want to play for a heavy horse trophy.

What say you?


Hello Jerry: You think guys like Antonio Brown and Julio Jones wants to come and BLOCK? Please. They want to catch balls and put on a show. Until Iowa’s offense starts making the wideout position a bigger part of the game plan, it’s going to remain this way, unfortunately.

There’s a reason why we have a pipeline of tight ends.

Now, that doesn’t mean Iowa won’t put out their fair share of fun WR’s. To this day, I love DJK and Marvin McNutt more than I could even explain. But part of their allure, especially McNutt’s, was the improbability of their dominance. We don’t EXPECT Iowa’s pass catchers to take over games like those two did.

I hope one day that changes.

Q: Who is best:

A. Katy Perry

B. Adele

C. Beyonce

D. Taylor Swift

E. Ariana Grande

F. Pink

G. Lady Gaga

— CapitalHawk

Hello Jerry: There are three clear tiers here and mark me down as NOT PLEASED that those lines were crossed.

Tier One

Beyonce/Adele/Taylor Swift

This is a no brainer. These three are super stars. Everyone on earth knows and loves multiple songs in their catalogs, could pick them out on the street and would lose their MARBLES if they got to meet them.

Tier Two

Katy Perry/Lady Gaga/P!NK

Their concerts are circus events with stunts and choreography and theatrics. If you love them, you love them very hard, but some people couldn’t name more than two songs from them.

Tier Three

Ariana Grande/Selena Gomez/Demi Lovato

The current stable of young guns that are hoping to one day move up into the other two tiers.

If I had to pick who is best right now, I’d pick Taylor Swift. I slammed Look What You Made Me Do when it first came out, but now I generally get happy when it comes on the radio. Ready For It is a delight and I LOVE IT paired with college football.

I’ll admit it, this is CLEARLY recency bias. When both Adele and Beyonce put out their last albums (or Adele’s Carpool Karaoke), I would’ve picked them ahead of the others at that moment, too. I just think Taylor took back the game while simultaneously burying Perry when she dropped her rip of I’m Too Sexy.

It’s a hard decision and I reserve the right to put Adele at the tippy top whenever I get another album from those golden pipes:


Hello Jerry: Oh YES!

Kirk Ferentz - Mary Jane’s: Super chewy and a nice alternative from gum. It’s gluten and dairy free (he needs to make sure these future Hawkeye fans stay healthy to hate watch his 7-5 season through 2022). Plus it shares part of his wife’s name and what is KF without Mary Ferentz?

Brian Ferentz - M&M’s: The assortment of choices fits BF for the assortment of offensive identities he’s tried to make his own this year. There’s the plain M&M’s (Northwestern/Michigan State). There’s the BIG BOYS of the M&M world: peanut (North Texas). Or, for when things get really crazy at the door, he can PASS out the peanut butter filled chocolates (Iowa State).

Phil Parker- Black Twizzlers: There are only certain people in this world that enjoy black licorice and PP is one of them. You know it’s true.

PJ Fleck: PJ Fleck lives elite. He doesn’t get involved with turds because you then end up living a turd life. Do you know what Halloween Candy is? It’s the #1 food option in Turdsville, USA. Therefore, PJ Fleck and his non-turd wife hand out apples that they picked together at the Elite Apple Orchard that they opened.

Q: 1. We got your stance on candy corn (anyone who calls it corn candy can gtfo) on the pod. What is your go-to/favorite Halloween candy?

2. Related, what is your guilty fall pleasure (e.g. Max and his candy corn or everyone here’s significant other: PSL’s)?


Hello Jerry: I am utterly shocked that out of 165 total votes at the time of this writing, 42% of you people LIKE Candy Corn. WHY?

Listen, I get the allure of Candy Corn. I looks fine enough sitting in that glass bowl on your grandmothers end table. I can even remember multiple times in this life of mine where I’ve thought to myself, “Maybe it tastes different now?” before throwing a few in my mouth.

BTW, this is how 80% of Candy Corn gets eaten every year, right? You show up to a party and there’s a bowl full of it sitting by itself — seemingly untouched. As you keep walking by it, you just feel bad for Candy Corn; the one sugar morsel that nobody wants during a month when any and every candy (even Tootsie Rolls) get shoved down our gullets. Of course, you ultimately decide to throw it a bone by taking an aggressive handful and chuck it in your mouth.

And you immediately regret your decision.

As far as my go-to/favorite Halloween Candy, I have two: the Starburst two-fers and the fun sized Snickers. When those would fall into my pillow case, I was unwrapping those suckers before my chubby ass got to the next door.

Damn, I miss Trick or Treating.

Now, as far my ADULT guilty fall pleasure, it’s 1000% those Pillsbury sugar cookies with the Pumpkin or Turkey’s on them. I’ve had to institute a ban in my household on those because I end up eating three of them raw and then four more when they immediately get out of the oven. I don’t know what it is about this time of year, but I CRAVE these bad boys:


Hello Jerry: Pumpkin Beer is Garbage Beer. If you’re going to have a “fruit” beer, get a Schofferhofer and enjoy. Why are you going to settle for the Candy Corn of beers? Just because it’s Halloween and you think PSL’s are good doesn’t mean you need to ruin beer with some squash flavoring.

Christmas beers though...


Hello Jerry: Like my friend JPinIC responded, “It’s never too early for Christmas anything.”

Look, I’ve been playing Christmas music for an hour a day in my office since July. That’s right, a Santa Claus Power Hour. Deal with it, ya haters. I’ve watched Home Alone already. I’ve had literal dreams about the Apple Watch I plan on buying myself, wrapping up and opening on Christmas morning. I’ve already asked my wife three times when we are putting up the tree (the week before Thanksgiving, JIC you were wondering).

Shoot, there was a chill in the air this morning in Orlando (60 degrees!) and I immediately flipped open my YouTube app and watched this clip:

Enjoy your Mad Elf, Christmas Beer, Jewbelation 19, 2XMAS and Sled Wrecker as long as you can, Harrison and continue on being the jolliest little asshole this side of the nuthouse!

Warning: This Is US is coming...

Q: Jerry, what was your reaction to Jack’s refusal to come home to see his dad? I was torn a bit, because he did get to see the boys bond, but ultimately, was disappointed in Jack. If he’s such a rockstar human being, shouldn’t he be the bigger man and show up to see his dad?

P.S. If Toby isn’t at the top of your rankings this week, I’m going to seriously consider a boycott of the remaining mailbags for this season. You’d better be convincing if he’s not #1.

P.P.S. WTF?! Jack has a secret brother? Let’s hope this is something meaningful and not some cheap trick to get us to keep watching.

— Hawktober

Hello Jerry: Like you, I was pretty torn on his refusal to see his dying dad. BUT, I think I’m siding with Jack on this one if only because of the scene of him in the car with his surprise brother. Could you imagine living your entire life trying to talk yourself into your dad “coming back”? That’s a lot and eventually you would have to lose all the faith and hope in that person, right? And when that faith and hope leaves you, that’s when a callous starts to grow.

I don’t think it’s a stretch to assume that Jack ended up having to forgo a lot of his childhood to become the type of father figure he was hoping would take him fishing to his “mystery bro”. That’s one thing. But when you throw in his own adult battle with alcohol abuse (something he’s managed/beat twice) and I think Jack has a lot of resentment towards his dad for not being able to, ultimately, be better for his family?

Granted, all of that has made Jack into the person that he is today with his wife and kids (aka Superman), but that’s a whole life worth of disappointment and anger.

That HAS to be tough to let go. Especially when you’re out with your boys doing the exact same thing HE never did with you. If Jack was at home, I’m sure he goes with Becca. But canceling a camping trip that is allowing you to help grow your two boys that are at weird times in their lives... I don’t think I’d go either.

As far as the rankings this week, it’s The All Toby Edition:




He’s the best and his shirt selection keeps getting better and better.

Thank you all for the questions this week. I really do appreciate your week in and week out contributions to this. There were a few I couldn’t get to (Pumpkin Beers and the Best of Epcot and the best tailgating vehicle) that I will save for next week. If something pops up before next Wednesday, remember you can Tweet them me (@JerryScherwin) at any time.

Until next week, Go Hawks!