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TAKE MY MONEY: YOUR WEEK 1 GAMBLING FIX

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You should probably just close your browser now while you still have the chance

Here we are, degenerates. The start of the college football season is here. Gone are the days of wagering on baseball overs and the Bundesliga. The time to bet on teenagers playing a bloodsport is now.

Hawkeyes-RedHawks doesn’t offer much in the way of substance or panache, but it does offer a spread and that’s good enough for us. So let’s get to the nitty gritty here and make some poor decisions.

The Game

We here at The Pants have given you plenty of #content in regards to Iowa’s first matchup (at least we think so) over the past few days, but here’s the tl;dr: the RedHawks don’t bring much to the table while Iowa returns a potluck worth of entrees from a team that won 12 games a year ago.

Now that the first of many food metaphors is out of the way, let’s look at some numbers:

The Spread: Iowa -27.5. For the unacquainted, that means Iowa would need to win by at least 28 to come out ahead on such a wager. Twenty-eight is a lot of points, especially for a Kirk Ferentz-coached team, but here’s how I see it: there’s a lot of unproven talent on this squad in the way of tight ends and receivers, and a tune-up game of this sort is as good an opportunity as any to see what Jay Scheel is capable of while finding out who else can play tight end besides George Kittle. Take into account that Miami might not score until Iowa pulls its defensive starters, and covering the spread here doesn’t seem too unfathomable.

Keep in mind Iowa hung 62 points on North Texas a year ago, and I see Miami as a similar opponent. Iowa’s first game of 2015 was a little bit closer, however, in a 31-14 win over Illinois State.

The O/U: the over/under currently rests at 51.5, which seems a little high. If this game gets out of hand the Hawkeyes could easily put up that many themselves, depending how feisty Kirk is feeling. I don’t see Miami putting up a load of points on Iowa here, so the under might be the play for some conservative minds.

The Consensus: even though I think I have a pretty good idea of how this offense is going to look—especially in its first outing of the season—and even though there isn’t much reason to believe Miami will put up much a fight, a 28-point win might just be too much to ask for.

Taking all that in consideration I think the best play here is to stay awa WHO AM I KIDDING IT’S THE FIRST GAME OF THE SEASON AND IOWA FOOTBALL IS ON THE TELEVISION BET THE FARM ON THE HAWKS AND THANK ME LATER.

Now that that’s out of my system, let’s look at a few other things I have my eye on, which means you should probably just stop reading now:

Disclaimer: I am an idiot with a keyboard, and there’s a lot better things you can spend your money on. Like Touchdowns for Kids, for example. That being said, a little skin on the line never hurt anyone, and I’m going to be in Scottsdale this weekend so I’m looking at the next three days as a sunk cost anyway. Let’s get to it.

LSU -10.5 over Wisconsin:

This game is technically taking place on a neutral field, but you and I both know there ain’t nothing neutral about Lambeau Field to those dairy-crazed mouth breathers. Still, I don’t think playing this game in Green Bay is enough for the Badgers to come out with a win, or more importantly, a cover. I think LSU is a legitimate contender for the National Championship, and to rub more salt in the wound that Leonard Fournette is surely opening, the Tigers poached Dave Aranda away from Wisconsin’s excellent defense from a year ago. Better hope Culver’s has enough cheese curds to satisfy the surly Badgers post-loss.

Clemson -7 over Auburn:

Deshaun Watson is back, and so are some of his best receivers. I don’t know a thing about Auburn, but that’s good enough for me.

Notre Dame -3.5 at Texas:

This has trap written all over and I love it. I legitimately think Charlie Strong is a bad coach and Brian Kelly is … whatever, I’m not going to compliment Notre Dame here, just bet the Irish and be happy that they won for once.

Oklahoma-Houston Over 67.5:

Yeah that’s a lot of points, so what? Tom Herman cares little for letting his defense win games, and even if he did I don’t think either defense can keep up with the opposing offense for four quarters so just watch the points rack up concurrently with your bank account.