Wednesday Scrambler: Recapping Iowa Football’s Offseason

The talking season is almost over, I swear. Come Saturday, you’ll no longer have to read about sleeper teams, true freshmen that crack the depth chart and might maybe play a meaningful snap in their first year, or how well a given player prepared in the offseason to make his mark.

We’re almost done with the predictions, almost done with the dissection of each and every angle of the schedule and opponents, and coaches across the land are telling anyone who’ll listen how great it’s gonna be to hit somebody wearing a different hat.

So, in honor of the fun that was January to August, it’s time to recap everything (this is a definitive list, nothing else took place) that’s happened in the Iowa sporting universe since those scoundrels in the Stanford band played the Farmer’s Only jingle at halftime of that one game that never happened.

Desmond King surprised many by deciding to come back for his senior season, presumably because partying with C.J. Beathard at Brother’s is infinitely more exciting than anything in the universe. Plus, the cowboy hat doesn’t play in at least half of cities with NFL teams.

Beathard appeared on various stages with both Donald Trump and his brother, Tucker. The Iowa writer’s workshop scoffed.

Fran McCaffery and Company climbed as high as No. 3 in the AP Poll but did that thing where they blow it and disappoint everyone again. PLEASE GOD DON’T LET SOMETHING LIKE THAT HAPPEN LIKE THAT IN FOOTBALL EVER!

Nothing like that’s ever taken place, what are you talking about?

Beathard appeared in approximately zero practice photos until he popped up wearing a knee brace and set the internet into a mild crisis before Kids Day, but was ultimately fine and trolling all of us.

Colin Cowherd continued to fish for ratings and traffic by trolling Iowa fans on Twitter after Austin Blythe was the only Hawk drafted.

Related: Colin Cowherd is a hack.

Aaron White got married a week before Mike Gesell who got married a week before Eric May. Sherman Dillard dressed better than all three grooms combined, is also Gus Fring.

Chris Ruth singlehandedly killed every Saturday morning hangover in Iowa all summer.

Rick Heller, Tyler Peyton and company took us along for a great ride in the Big Ten Tournament and fell to Ohio State because nothing good can ever happen. Would you look at that, Joel Booker just caught a pop fly in my apartment!

To swimming and diving coach Marc Long’s chagrin, Olympian Conor Dwyer forgot to mention the instruction he got from the coaching guru in his post medal winning interviews.

Iowa State curiously hired a new football coach rather than nixing the program all together.

And finally, the new cast here at BHGP took over the site. Please point to us for the cause of all failures and/or successes on the field this fall — we’re the ones calling the shots, after all.