For the past four days, Iowa Hawkeye internet rumor mongering has been at its finest. Fever-pitched Hawkeye fans have been waiting for eight months to wash the taste of the Game That Shall Not Be Named out of their mouths, so I get it - I’m with you.
Every day, Iowa’s official Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, Myspace, ICQ, AIM and whatever the hell feeds you kids use these days releases photos from morning and evening practices. It’s a smorgasbord for internet dads who need to see “their boys” and see who’s got the biggest pipes compared to last year (It’s LeShun Daniels) and see how the team is shaping up.
Only one problem this week, folks - Heisman frontrunner* C.J. Beathard has been in them sparingly - and, actually, was not in any of the days photos until last night, when he appeared to be wearing a knee brace. The scheduled media photo-op was also canceled according to the Gazette’s Marc Morehouse, and all hell started breaking loose on message boards and in instagram and Twitter comments.
What does it all mean? Did Beathard sprain his knee while carrying ten firefighters to safety? Did he slip when he was practicing a 720 dunk to take on Andrew Wiggins in a dunk contest? Maybe he hurt it carrying all of the rivalry trophies Iowa won last year. I don’t know. I’m not a doctor.
To keep you all at bay, I’ve developed a completely original, in no way borrowed intellectually and has definitely never been done before on the entire internet let alone this very website, system to find out where we are with CJ Beathard’s injury status.
Introducing: The BEATHCON Alert System.
What are each of the stages?
BEATHCON 5: SLINGIN ROCKS
C.J.’s in his natural habitat, just throwin the ol’ pigskin 60 yards and puttin’ it in a shoebox.
BEATHCON 4: SLIGHT LIMP
C.J. took a hit. He got right back up, people. Chill out. But that was total helmet to helmet on the Pitt guy.
BEATHCON 3: NOT IN PRACTICE PHOTOS
WHY ISN’T HE IN THESE PHOTOS
BEATHCON 2: PHOTO OP CANCELED
WAIT I WANT TO SEE PICTURES OF HIM HANGING OUT AND FAKE THROWING THIS IS NOT GOOD
BEATHCON 1: GET WIEGERS READY
whatever the backup is always better anyway here take this bleach bottle sorry i drank it all
We may have avoided disaster as the BEATHCON rating went from 2 to 4 overnight - but keep your eyes on BHGP, the definitive source for whether or not someone is in practice photos and also we are all doctors** so we will be able to tell you exactly*** what is going on.
*According to me
**No we aren’t
***Exactly is a loose term here