MARCHIFORNICATION: THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY

Scene: a court room. No interstitials between the arrest by Sexycop and right now, do you hear me? None. A guy who looks like Steve McQueen, a guy who looks like Jim Anchower, and a smoking chimpanzee with a hat sit at a table.

Well, this probably isn't good.

Probably not.

Don't we get a lawyer or something?

I can do that, I'm caught up on Better Call Saul.

Good idea.

Yeah, if anyone's going to be our lawyer it pretty much has to be you.

Awesome. Okay, first things first, as our attorney... I think we need a team name.

What, like BHGP?

No, we're on trial in BHGP.

But we're—

Yeah, I know. It's a weird maritime law thing.

Submarine chaser!

I think a good team name would be "Awesome."

Too vague.

What?

No, he's right, it's like, McDonalds can't call itself "Hamburgers."

OK then, Awesome Dudes?

I think we should narrow it down geographically instead. There's lots of Tigers, but only one Detroit Tigers, only one Auburn Tigers, Tiger Woods, you get it.

So then, Iowa Awesome?

My name is your attorney, and I approve this message.

[writes "IOWA AWESOME" on a sheet of legal paper]

[tapes it to the thing on the table that says "DEFENDANT"]

Zip it up, and zip it out.

[high five each other]

ALL RISE! For the honorable judge...

Hey, doesn't that bailiff look famil—

...GOD!

OH WTF

WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

[all dutifully rise]

PLEASE BE SEATED IN FRONT OF THE LORD.

Is this bad?

We're screwed.

TODAY WE HEAR THE CASE OF BHGP V. ... ... ... EXCUSE ME, WHAT DOES YOUR LITTLE SIGN SAY?

It's our team name, your honor.

TRY AGAIN.

Well, you know how there's legal teams, and there's football teams, so if football teams have names, then legal teams should have names, so really, your honor...

TRY THAT ONE. MORE. TIME.

Errr, sorry, "Your Honor." I forgot the capitalization thing.

MUCH BETTER. SO THE CASE OF BHGP V. IOWA AWESOME.

Yes, your honor. As the attorney for the plaintiff, I represent the State of BHGP. And as the plaintiff, we bear the burden of proof in this case, to show beyond a reasonable doubt that—

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO ME, I'M LITERALLY GOD.

Very well.

Excuse me, Your Honor?

WHAT

I don't believe we've been told what we're on trial for. I can't do the law if I don't know what the charges are. This sounds like the biggest habeus corpus tunnel syndrome I've ever seen to be honest. And if you're not careful we'll put the whole system on trial.

OBJECTION

Wait, judges aren't supp—

YOU ARE ON TRIAL FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE INTERNET AND TELEGRAPHING A FINALE SO BADLY THAT YOUR COMMENTERS FIGURED OUT EXACTLY WHERE YOU WERE GOING WITH IT

Yeah, plus Birk Berentz killed all the witnesses, so the Seinfeld ending wouldn't have even been very g—

WAIT. Did you say all the witnesses are dead?

Fifteen yards and a loss of down for interrupting me! But yes.

THAT IS A PROBLEM, SO SAYETH THE LORD.

But your honor, they created Birk Berentz!

IS THIS TRUE???

Well, look, we... it was slow... we're pretty good at fake beards now...

That's accessory to murder, Your Honor!

You're an accessory in the murder!

We're extremely screwed.

Wait! Hang on! C'mere real quick!

[whisper whisper whisper]

Hmmmmm.

[whisper whisper whisper]

I see.

[one more whisper and wild gesticulating]

Permission to approach the bench?

I'LL ALLOW IT, BUT YOU'RE ON THIN ICE, COUNSELOR!

[rolls up on God's business]

So, Judge, here's the thing. My chimpanzee colleague has reminded me that we created BHGP and I'm pretty sure we didn't write in a God Judge or anything. Also, you can't send us to jail because there is no jail in BHGP.

EXCUSE ME?

Yeah, I just edited that whole "holding cell" scene out of the beginning of this article so we just start in the courtroom instead.

UGH, YOU TOTALLY DID.

So--wait--why can't I edit God Judge out of this too?

I AM REAL.

Aha! That's a theological debate and we don't allow those either!

NO, DUMMY, I MEAN I AM TOTALLY REAL.

[whips off God Mask]

SEE?

Everyone in the courtroom gasps at once!

THAT'S DAN GABLE!

thanks ref, I had no idea

It absolutely makes sense that Dan Gable was God this whole time.

You had me on a podcast, so I am canon now.

You were far and away the greatest podcast guest in this site's history, and we had so many great podcasts.

Also why else did you think Brent Metcalf was the bailiff?

I assure you this is beneath me.

Now listen here, you punks. Maybe I can't send you to jail, and maybe my hips are too sore on this humid day for me to rip you all to shreds with my bare hands.

Do you still need me here, or,

But as the final arbiter of all that is good and right in this universe, what I can do is banish you from it.

W...what?

Counselor, what did you do to us?

Uh?

A young man leaps up from the court gallery!

Not so fast!

CORNSHOE HAMMAKER!

I could have sworn he wasn't here 2 hours ago.

Your Honor, Birk Berentz never killed me, and ol' Betsy here has something to say in these gentlemen's defense.

Your Honor, this is well beyond court procedure, and the prosecution has NOT had a ch—

BOOM

See, this is the nonsense I was talking about. I said canon, not cannon. And look: now there's a mess. That's it, by ruling of me, Supreme Judge Dan Gable, you and your team must go.

Go, Iowa Awesome.

The courtroom doors fly open out of nowhere, and the chamber is engulfed by the blinding light of the future beyond.

YOUR NEXT CHAPTER AWAITS YOU ALL!

GO

IOWA

AWESOME