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MARCHIFORNICATION: THE TRIAL OF THE CENTURY

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It all comes down to this.

YOU'RE AAAAAAAA
YOU'RE AAAAAAAA
You Tube dot com

Scene: a court room. No interstitials between the arrest by Sexycop and right now, do you hear me? None. A guy who looks like Steve McQueen, a guy who looks like Jim Anchower, and a smoking chimpanzee with a hat sit at a table.

OPS Icon
Well, this probably isn't good.

HS Icon
Probably not.

Ross Icon
Don't we get a lawyer or something?

OPS Icon
I can do that, I'm caught up on Better Call Saul.

Ross Icon
Good idea.

HS Icon
Yeah, if anyone's going to be our lawyer it pretty much has to be you.

OPS Icon
Awesome. Okay, first things first, as our attorney... I think we need a team name.

Ross Icon
What, like BHGP?

OPS Icon
No, we're on trial in BHGP.

Ross Icon
But we're—

OPS Icon
Yeah, I know. It's a weird maritime law thing.

HS Icon
Submarine chaser!

Ross Icon
I think a good team name would be "Awesome."

OPS Icon
Too vague.

Ross Icon
What?

HS Icon
No, he's right, it's like, McDonalds can't call itself "Hamburgers."

Ross Icon
OK then, Awesome Dudes?

HS Icon
I think we should narrow it down geographically instead. There's lots of Tigers, but only one Detroit Tigers, only one Auburn Tigers, Tiger Woods, you get it.

Ross Icon
So then, Iowa Awesome?

OPS Icon
My name is your attorney, and I approve this message.

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[writes "IOWA AWESOME" on a sheet of legal paper]

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[tapes it to the thing on the table that says "DEFENDANT"]

OPS Icon
Zip it up, and zip it out.

Ross Icon
HS Icon
[high five each other]

Brent Metcalf Icon
ALL RISE! For the honorable judge...

Ross Icon
Hey, doesn't that bailiff look famil—

Brent Metcalf Icon
...GOD!

OPS Icon
OH WTF

OPS Icon
WTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

Ross Icon
OPS Icon
HS Icon
[all dutifully rise]

Icon God
PLEASE BE SEATED IN FRONT OF THE LORD.

HS Icon
Is this bad?

Ross Icon
We're screwed.

Icon God
TODAY WE HEAR THE CASE OF BHGP V. ... ... ... EXCUSE ME, WHAT DOES YOUR LITTLE SIGN SAY?

OPS Icon
It's our team name, your honor.

Icon God
TRY AGAIN.

OPS Icon
Well, you know how there's legal teams, and there's football teams, so if football teams have names, then legal teams should have names, so really, your honor...

Icon God
TRY THAT ONE. MORE. TIME.

OPS Icon
Errr, sorry, "Your Honor." I forgot the capitalization thing.

Icon God
MUCH BETTER. SO THE CASE OF BHGP V. IOWA AWESOME.

Referee Icon
Yes, your honor. As the attorney for the plaintiff, I represent the State of BHGP. And as the plaintiff, we bear the burden of proof in this case, to show beyond a reasonable doubt that—

Icon God
YOU DON'T HAVE TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING TO ME, I'M LITERALLY GOD.

Referee Icon
Very well.

OPS Icon
Excuse me, Your Honor?

Icon God
WHAT

OPS Icon
I don't believe we've been told what we're on trial for. I can't do the law if I don't know what the charges are. This sounds like the biggest habeus corpus tunnel syndrome I've ever seen to be honest. And if you're not careful we'll put the whole system on trial.

Icon God
OBJECTION

Ross Icon
Wait, judges aren't supp—

Icon God
YOU ARE ON TRIAL FOR CRIMES AGAINST THE INTERNET AND TELEGRAPHING A FINALE SO BADLY THAT YOUR COMMENTERS FIGURED OUT EXACTLY WHERE YOU WERE GOING WITH IT

Referee Icon
Yeah, plus Birk Berentz killed all the witnesses, so the Seinfeld ending wouldn't have even been very g—

OPS Icon
WAIT. Did you say all the witnesses are dead?

Referee Icon
Fifteen yards and a loss of down for interrupting me! But yes.

Icon God
THAT IS A PROBLEM, SO SAYETH THE LORD.

Referee Icon
But your honor, they created Birk Berentz!

Icon God
IS THIS TRUE???

HS Icon
Well, look, we... it was slow... we're pretty good at fake beards now...

Referee Icon
That's accessory to murder, Your Honor!

OPS Icon
You're an accessory in the murder!

HS Icon
We're extremely screwed.

Ross Icon
Wait! Hang on! C'mere real quick!

Ross Icon
[whisper whisper whisper]

OPS Icon
Hmmmmm.

Ross Icon
[whisper whisper whisper]

OPS Icon
I see.

Ross Icon
[one more whisper and wild gesticulating]

OPS Icon
Permission to approach the bench?

Icon God
I'LL ALLOW IT, BUT YOU'RE ON THIN ICE, COUNSELOR!

OPS Icon
[rolls up on God's business]

OPS Icon
So, Judge, here's the thing. My chimpanzee colleague has reminded me that we created BHGP and I'm pretty sure we didn't write in a God Judge or anything. Also, you can't send us to jail because there is no jail in BHGP.

Icon God
EXCUSE ME?

OPS Icon
Yeah, I just edited that whole "holding cell" scene out of the beginning of this article so we just start in the courtroom instead.

Icon God
UGH, YOU TOTALLY DID.

OPS Icon
So--wait--why can't I edit God Judge out of this too?

Icon God
I AM REAL.

OPS Icon
Aha! That's a theological debate and we don't allow those either!

Icon God
NO, DUMMY, I MEAN I AM TOTALLY REAL.

Icon God
[whips off God Mask]

Icon Dan Gable
SEE?

Everyone in the courtroom gasps at once!

Referee Icon
THAT'S DAN GABLE!

OPS Icon
thanks ref, I had no idea

Ross Icon
It absolutely makes sense that Dan Gable was God this whole time.

Icon Dan Gable
You had me on a podcast, so I am canon now.

Ross Icon
You were far and away the greatest podcast guest in this site's history, and we had so many great podcasts.

Icon Dan Gable
Also why else did you think Brent Metcalf was the bailiff?

Brent Metcalf Icon
I assure you this is beneath me.

Icon Dan Gable
Now listen here, you punks. Maybe I can't send you to jail, and maybe my hips are too sore on this humid day for me to rip you all to shreds with my bare hands.

Referee Icon
Do you still need me here, or,

Icon Dan Gable
But as the final arbiter of all that is good and right in this universe, what I can do is banish you from it.

HS Icon
W...what?

Ross Icon
Counselor, what did you do to us?

OPS Icon
Uh?

A young man leaps up from the court gallery!

Cornshoe Icon
Not so fast!

HS Icon
CORNSHOE HAMMAKER!

Ross Icon
I could have sworn he wasn't here 2 hours ago.

Cornshoe Icon
Your Honor, Birk Berentz never killed me, and ol' Betsy here has something to say in these gentlemen's defense.

Referee Icon
Your Honor, this is well beyond court procedure, and the prosecution has NOT had a ch—

Cannon Icon
BOOM

Ref's Exploded Head

Icon Dan Gable
See, this is the nonsense I was talking about. I said canon, not cannon. And look: now there's a mess. That's it, by ruling of me, Supreme Judge Dan Gable, you and your team must go.

Icon Dan Gable
Go, Iowa Awesome.

The courtroom doors fly open out of nowhere, and the chamber is engulfed by the blinding light of the future beyond.

Icon Dan Gable
YOUR NEXT CHAPTER AWAITS YOU ALL!

Icon Dan Gable
GO
Icon Dan Gable
IOWA
Icon Dan Gable
AWESOME