FAKE LIE STORIES THAT ARE NOT REAL

MARCHIFORNICATION 2016: END TIMES

And I looked and Behoild! A pale horse And the name that sat on him was Birk Berentz And hell followed with him.

By Patrick Vint Jul 22, 2016, 9:00am CDT

- The Pakibombing of the Ricky Stanzi-J Leman

matchup set off a string of events, the

likes of which Marchifornication has never seen -

MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 1: BLOODPUNCH vs. GIRLS GENERATION

DANCE DANCE DANCE TIL WE RUN THIS TOWN

OPA OPA OWIE OWIE

ARF ARF ARF ARF

NOKA CHECK A NAAAA

A BOKA CHECK A NAAA

TAI NO IN CHI, AND HERE'S GARY

LET'S GO GET SOME LUNCH

THEN YOU CAN GET BLOODPUNCH

A CLUB SANDWICH OR BLT

I don't understand a word of this, and I don't care

I guess you can say I don't CARE-EAN.

Good one, Gary.

Hey, thanks, Pelican of the Night.

Yeah, good one.

Thanks, Kirk.

Wait a second.

You're not Kirk.

What are you doing heAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Bloodpunch and Girls Generation have been eliminated by pelican solicitation

MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 1: JAMIE POLLARD vs. NYAN CAT

RING RING

Iowa State athletics, where we fired the secretaries to pay for a stadium we'll never fill! Jamie speaking.

Jamie, it's Kirk Ferentz

Look, this is going to sound weird, but I'm calling to tell you that you're in danger.

Save it, Ferentz. You're just pulling another prank.

And, for once, I'm not going to fall for it.

No, listen Jamie. I'm being totally serious.

You're supposed to have a Marchifornication battle today, right?

Yep! I'm playing Nyan Cat at Mount Rushmore.

In fact, you called me and told me to go there.

Go to Minnesota and turn left. Got it.

And you're telling me this came straight from Commissioner Breadman?

Yep, Breadman asked me to call you personally.

I never called you.

Yes you did, Kirk!

Don't you think it's strange that you're being sent to Mount Rushmore? By me? CALLING AS MYSELF?

No weirder than anything else on BHGP.

Fair point.

Still, watch out, especially if you hear someone spewing nonsense in the distance.

Screw off, Ferentz. Maybe you should go check on your buddy Gary.

I hear he's having issues with a human-like bird again.

/hangs up

/goes to Mount Rushmore

All right, Nyan Cat. Let's do this.

MEOW

/farts a rainbow

rumble

So...how do we do this?

My only exposure to cats is Farmageddon

rumble how about that gameday traffic folks

MEOW MEOW

Rumble Iowa Recruiting Is Really Rolling Rumble

Maybe Prohm could use a pet cat. He seems lonelAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH

RUMBLE I WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS RUMBLE

Jamie Pollard and Nyan Cat have been eliminated by Hartylanche

/is inconsolable

MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 1: KIRK FERENTZ vs. DINOSAUR RACECARS

What's up, everyone?

Shit, it's Birk Berentz.

Birk Berentz? No, I'm Kirk Ferentz.

Sure you are. That's what Birk Berentz would say.

Guys, it's really me, Kirk Ferentz.

I just grew out my beard during the offseason for my comedy tour.

Thought it would score me some points with the college crowd, like Jon Stewart.

You're on a comedy tour?

Yeah. It's mostly observational stuff.

Like, "What's the deal with the trap play? It's not like you can use a bear trap on the football field."

"Hashtag outside zone 4 life"

That's not even a joke.

The college kids think it's pretty funny.

Try this one out: "What's the deal with passing the football? It's not like you're going faster than the ball, or that there's a left lane on the field to use."

"Hashtag no passing zone."

Good one, Kirk.

Hey, thaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Kirk Ferentz has been eliminated by Birk Berentz