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MARCHIFORNICATION 2016: END TIMES

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And I looked and Behoild! A pale horse And the name that sat on him was Birk Berentz And hell followed with him.

- The Pakibombing of the Ricky Stanzi-J Leman
matchup set off a string of events, the
likes of which Marchifornication has never seen -

MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 1: BLOODPUNCH vs. GIRLS GENERATION

GG3
DANCE DANCE DANCE TIL WE RUN THIS TOWN      
GG2
OPA OPA OWIE OWIE
Icon Gary Barta
ARF ARF ARF ARF
GG5
NOKA CHECK A NAAAA
GG6
A BOKA CHECK A NAAA
GG1
TAI NO IN CHI, AND HERE'S GARY
Icon Gary Barta
LET'S GO GET SOME LUNCH
Icon Gary Barta
THEN YOU CAN GET BLOODPUNCH
Icon Gary Barta
A CLUB SANDWICH OR BLT
Icon Gary Barta
I don't understand a word of this, and I don't care
Icon Gary Barta
I guess you can say I don't CARE-EAN.
Icon Gary Barta
Large Icon Barta 90 px

Pelican Whore Icon
Good one, Gary.
Icon Gary Barta
Hey, thanks, Pelican of the Night.
Berentz Reverse Icon
Yeah, good one.
Icon Gary Barta
Thanks, Kirk.      
Icon Gary Barta
Wait a second.
Icon Gary Barta
You're not Kirk.
Icon Gary Barta
What are you doing heAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Bloodpunch and Girls Generation have been eliminated by pelican solicitation

MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 1: JAMIE POLLARD vs. NYAN CAT

FH icon phone
RING RING      
Icon Pollard
Iowa State athletics, where we fired the secretaries to pay for a stadium we'll never fill! Jamie speaking.
Icon Ferentz
Jamie, it's Kirk Ferentz
Icon Ferentz
Look, this is going to sound weird, but I'm calling to tell you that you're in danger.
Icon Pollard
Save it, Ferentz. You're just pulling another prank.
Icon Pollard
And, for once, I'm not going to fall for it.
Icon Ferentz
No, listen Jamie. I'm being totally serious.
Icon Ferentz
You're supposed to have a Marchifornication battle today, right?
Icon Pollard
Yep! I'm playing Nyan Cat at Mount Rushmore.
Icon Pollard
In fact, you called me and told me to go there.

Icon Pollard
Go to Minnesota and turn left. Got it.
Icon Pollard
And you're telling me this came straight from Commissioner Breadman?
Berentz Reverse Icon
Yep, Breadman asked me to call you personally.


Icon Ferentz
I never called you.
Icon Pollard
Yes you did, Kirk! 
Icon Ferentz
Don't you think it's strange that you're being sent to Mount Rushmore? By me? CALLING AS MYSELF?
Icon Pollard
No weirder than anything else on BHGP.
Icon Ferentz
Fair point.
Icon Ferentz
Still, watch out, especially if you hear someone spewing nonsense in the distance.
Icon Pollard
Screw off, Ferentz. Maybe you should go check on your buddy Gary.
Icon Pollard
I hear he's having issues with a human-like bird again.
Icon Pollard
/hangs up
Icon Pollard
/goes to Mount Rushmore
Icon Pollard
All right, Nyan Cat. Let's do this.
Nyan Cat Icon
MEOW
Nyan Cat Icon
/farts a rainbow
Rushmore Icon
rumble      
Icon Pollard
So...how do we do this?
Icon Pollard
My only exposure to cats is Farmageddon
Rushmore Icon
rumble how about that gameday traffic folks

Hartylanche 2

Nyan Cat Icon
MEOW MEOW
Rushmore Icon
Rumble Iowa Recruiting Is Really Rolling Rumble

Hartylanche 3

Icon Pollard
Maybe Prohm could use a pet cat.  He seems lonelAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH
Rushmore Icon
RUMBLE I WEAR SUNGLASSES INDOORS RUMBLE

Hartylanche 4

Jamie Pollard and Nyan Cat have been eliminated by Hartylanche

Hartylanche Pollard

Icon Pollard
pollard

Icon Pollard
/is inconsolable

MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 1: KIRK FERENTZ vs. DINOSAUR RACECARS

Ferentz Beard Icon
What's up, everyone?
BHGP no border
Shit, it's Birk Berentz.
Ferentz Beard Icon
Birk Berentz? No, I'm Kirk Ferentz.
BHGP no border
Sure you are. That's what Birk Berentz would say.
Ferentz Beard Icon
Guys, it's really me, Kirk Ferentz.
Ferentz Beard Icon
I just grew out my beard during the offseason for my comedy tour.
Ferentz Beard Icon
Thought it would score me some points with the college crowd, like Jon Stewart.
BHGP no border
You're on a comedy tour?
Ferentz Beard Icon
Yeah. It's mostly observational stuff.
Ferentz Beard Icon
Like, "What's the deal with the trap play? It's not like you can use a bear trap on the football field."
Ferentz Beard Icon
"Hashtag outside zone 4 life"
BHGP no border
That's not even a joke.
Ferentz Beard Icon
The college kids think it's pretty funny.
Ferentz Beard Icon
Try this one out: "What's the deal with passing the football? It's not like you're going faster than the ball, or that there's a left lane on the field to use."
Ferentz Beard Icon
"Hashtag no passing zone."
Berentz Reverse Icon
Good one, Kirk.
Ferentz Beard Icon
Hey, thaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Kirk Ferentz has been eliminated by Birk Berentz

Icon Dinosaur Racecars
ROAR VROOM ROAR
Berentz Reverse Icon
I could just let the natural progression of time take its course and kill them off
BHGP no border
The dinosaurs?
Berentz Reverse Icon
No. The racecars. Have you seen Nascar TV ratings?
Berentz Reverse Icon
Unfortunately, I don't have that kind of time.

Hart-eor

Hart-eor Icon
RUMBLE VAN COLEMAN RUMBLE

Hart-eor 2

Dinosaur Racecars have been eliminated by Hart-eor

MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 2: FRAN McCAFFERY vs. ?????

Fran Icon
Huh, guess I advance by default.
Fran Icon
I've got Fran-mentum!
Fran Icon
It's Fran-demonium!

Fran Shoe 2

Fran McCaffery has been eliminated by shoe

AT BHGP HEADQUARTERS...

OPS Icon
There's nothing left.
HS Icon
All the greats are gone, consumed by darkness.
Ross Icon
There's nowhere left to turn.
OPS Icon
Ferentz: Gone. Barta: Gone. Pollard: Gone.
HS Icon
We've been done in by our own cynical creation. 
Ross Icon
Kind of ironic, no?
OPS Icon
Still, there's nothing left to do but kill off Marchifornication.
HS Icon
Well...
HS Icon
...There is ONE thing.
HS Icon
We haven't done it since 2008.
OPS Icon
Wait, do you mean...?
Ross Icon
What, guys? I wasn't here then.
OPS Icon
Can we even do that again?
Ross Icon
DO WHAT?
HS Icon
We have to. We don't have any other choice.
OPS Icon
/smiles
HS Icon
/smiles
Ross Icon
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT IS IT

HS Icon
...
HS Icon
We have to enter Marchifornication.