MARCHIFORNICATION ROUND 1: PAT FITZGERALD vs. JOEPA

PAT FITZGERALD

WHAT HE DID TO GET HERE: First off, the man certainly can hold a grudge.  I broke a bone in my foot during a softball game in 2003, but you don't see me actively seeking revenge against kids who weren't born at the time I broke it.  And yet, there's Wizgerald every year, beating the drum against Iowa because he broke his leg in 1996.

Also, HFMR actively hates him at all times, which is good for business, particularly when the Magic Potato comes around.

PAST MARCHIFORNICATIONS: Fitz lost to a bird in 2011, a not-so-rare 7-over-2 first-round upset, and was taken out by the extremely effective Japanese Subway Guy in 2013.  In other words, he's played twice and lost both.  It's sooooo just Northwestern of him.

JOEPA

WHAT HE DID TO GET HERE: Well, this is certainly awkward.  Let's just start by saying that, as a character, JoePa is a BHGP legend.  However, that character has nothing to do with the actual person, who got involved in a scandal that nobody -- save for maybe him -- saw coming.  With that out of way, let's turn to ---

WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU GOING ON ABOUT

Uh... Joe? Aren't you dead?

NOT THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE TRIED TO PULL THAT ONE

Ouch.

OH LIGHTEN UP YOU DANGUS, I'VE MET AUSTRO-HUNGARIANS WITH BETTER SENSES OF HUMOR THAN YOURS

IN CASE YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED I HAVE TRANSCENDED MORTALITY SO LET'S JUST CONVERSE LIKE TWO GENTLEMEN

um.... okay... so, uh... hey, Joe.

HAY IS FOR HORSES AND HAND GRENADES

THAT REMINDS ME OF A STORY

I—I'm sorry. You DO know this is super awkward now for everyone, right? Things aren't really great in State Coll—

AS YOU WELL KNOW I WAS A DECORATED WAR HERO BEFORE ATTENDING BROWN AND STARRING AS THE QUARTERBACK. AND THOSE WERE THE GOOD OLD DAYS WHEN ANY OBJETS DE GUERRE YOU DID NOT USE ON THE WAR FRONT YOU WERE ALLOWED TO KEEP

IN MY DORMITORY I HAD A VARIETY OF WAR KEEPSAKES, INCLUDING AN ACTUAL SWORD I STOLE FROM AN EGYPTIAN PYRAMID

Did they even have swords?

SILENCE YOU COWARD

AT ANY RATE MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS WERE MY HAND GRENADES, WHICH I KEPT AROUND TO REMIND EVERYONE THAT I WAS CAPABLE OF MURDERING ANYONE WITHIN TWENTY FEET OF WHEREVER I CHOSE TO THROW SOMETHING

LEADERSHIP IS AN ESSENTIAL QUALITY OF QUARTERBACKS AND NOTHING SAYS LEADERSHIP LIKE INSTILLING THE FEAR OF INSTANT FIERY DEATH UNLESS YOUR ENTIRE TEAM BENDS TO YOUR STEEL RESOLVE

WELL OUR MASCOT MILDRED THE QUARTERHORSE WAS TOURING THE DORM ONE DAY WHILE WE WERE AT PRACTICE, SAME AS ANY THURSDAY, AND THEN COACH RIP RUNS UP TO ME AND SAYS

PATERNO, I GOT BAD NEWS, MILDRED ATE ONE OF YOUR HAND GRENADES

There is just no way a horse can physic—

I SAID SILENCE YOU FOOL

THE PINS WERE STILL INTACT BUT NONE OF US COULD AFFORD HORSE SURGERY, THE MOST RADICAL SURGERY OF ITS KIND BACK THEN, SO THE HOPE WAS THAT WITH CAREFUL SUPERVISION AND REST THE MUNITIONS WOULD PASS HARMLESSLY THROUGH MILDRED'S TRACT AND BE RETURNED TO THE EARTH FROM WHENCE THEY CAME

A FINE IDEA AND ONE THAT WOULD HAVE WORKED HAD IT NOT BEEN FOR THE LEHIGH GAME THAT WEEKEND, WHEN OUR HOMECOMING QUEEN LED THE TEAM OUT ONTO THE FIELD WHILE RIDING MILLY THE FILLY

WE DID NOT REALIZE THE FILLY FOLLY UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, AND BEFORE WE COULD SCREAM DISMOUNT, THE PINS WERE JOSTLED LOOSE INSIDE THE HORSE AND GOD AS MY WITNESS MILLY EXPLODED LIKE A PONY POWDER KEG

Jeez, that's awful.

IF YOU INTERRUPT ME ONE MORE TIME I WILL FEED YOU TO A NO-GOOD SWEDISH

WELL POOR BARBARA MCDOUGALL WENT FLYING STRAIGHT THROUGH THE UPRIGHTS, AND THE REFEREES PANICKED AND GAVE US SIX POINTS FOR IT

SHE WAS FINE

THE REST OF THE CROWD SAT SILENT FOR AT LEAST A MINUTE BEFORE BURSTING INTO THE MOST RAPTUROUS APPLAUSE YOU EVER DID HEAR AND WE WENT ON TO BEAT THOSE LEHIGH BASTARDS BY THE SCORE OF FORTY-EIGHT TO ZERO

THE GOOD NEWS IS THAT MILLY BECAME THE POST-GAME FEAST AND SHE WAS DELICIOUS IF A LITTLE UNEVENLY PREPARED

AND THAT IS WHY HORSE MEAT SHOULD BE ENCOURAGED IN AMERICA

ALSO JAMES FRANKLIN ISN'T VERY GOOD