WHAT HE DID TO GET HERE: There are two parts to the Cornshoe Hammaker story. He entered the national consciousness in a Joe Paterno fever dream back in 2008, as the murderer of both Robert E. Lee and Abraham Lincoln, because Cornshoe Hammaker is only on the side of Cornshoe Hammaker.
But Cornshoe Hammaker morphed from a Civil War villain to something far more important: A BHGP commenter with his namesake's ability to be in the right place when history happened. Cornshoe saved Daniel Murray from near-death after the 2008 Penn State kick and took a picture with an American hero. He was in the front row in Chapel Hil when Woodbury and Gesell chest bumped. He's always on SportsCenter.
It probably doesn't hurt that he has that Elvis costume.
PAST MARCHIFORNICATIONS: In his only appearance, Hammaker was double crossed by Trolololo Guy and lost to his father, Joe Paterno.
WHAT HE DID TO GET HERE: What DIDN'T Ken O'Keefe do? He got his quarterbacks to fight animals. He chafed at Kirk Ferentz's prank calling and almost left for the Missouri job on the advice of his cat as a result. He left to play with the dolphins and met Chad Ochocinco. Oh, and he spent more than a decade coordinating Iowa's offense.
PAST MARCHIFORNICATIONS: KOK has been a fixture of Marchifornication, going all the way back to 2008. But Ken's true star turn came in 2012, when he ushered James Vandenberg off of his island and to the football offices, where his vending machine/coaching computer was about to destroy football as we know it.