Last week I came to you downtrodden, upset that I would have to take a break from wagering against our beloved Hawkeyes, simply because they weren’t playing. This week I present myself to you in similar spirits, saddened by the fact I can no longer make money on the cash cow that was the 2016 Chicago Cubs. I can only take solace in the fact that Iowa once again plays this week, and will more than likely get shit stomped and not cover what to me is a perplexing betting line.
There’s actually a lot of stuff I want to get to over these next 400 words, so let’s stop waxing on the Cubs and warm gin.
Iowa +7.5: This ... seems a little low, yes? I get that Iowa is coming off a bye, but I mean come on. Penn State just manhandled Purdue after taking down Ohio State. I think defensively Iowa is able to hold its own, but the offense just won’t be able to keep up. We’re going to need a defensive touchdown or a Desmond King kick return to bail out Iowa here, and that’s just not something you can rely on. I envision this being a two-score game in Penn State’s favor. I would never tell you to bet against Iowa but I’m not sure how you don’t go all MC Hammer on the Nittany Lions here.
The over/under is 53, which is a lot! You see Mr. Hammer up there? If you don’t feel like betting against Iowa, I highly recommend paying our parachute pant-wearing friend a visit and take the under here.
There’s actually a lot I like here, so I’m just going to spew some garbage out and you should probably
Nebraska +17 at Ohio State: Has Ohio State shown us anything to think it’s 17 points better than Nebraska? The answer is no. Normally we don’t want to bet against Tommy Armpunt, but this is the exception here.
Alabama -7.5 at LSU: I started off writing that I wanted to take LSU +7.5, but then I
poured myself some gin looked at some box scores and remembered this is arguably the best Alabama team Nick Saban has ever had, while LSU is playing with an interim head coach and a dead mascot. If you’re going put the mortgage on something this week, this is it.
Wisconsin -7 at Northwestern: This is basically a home game for Wisconsin. I know some of the folks over at B5Q are worried that this is a trap, but I mean come on. All things considered, this year has been pretty magical for Wisconsin, and I don’t see them having any trouble on ... CATURDAY.
Texas -3 at Texas Tech: Betting on this game would almost certainly be a cry for help but I don’t judge. Judging is for girlfriends and grandmas, and I’m certainly not either of those. We’re not as interested in the spread as we are in the over/under anyway. It’s 81. That’s 81 points. I’m not going to tell you which way to bet on that number, I just want you to be aware that you have the option to.
West Virginia -34 vs Kansas: Please, please, please, can we all bet on Dana Holgorsen laying a million on ... *looks up Kansas head coach* holy shit David Beaty still has a job? I’m looking at his Wikipedia page right now, and it says here that he coached high school soccer before becoming the head coach of a D-1 (technically) football program. Guys. This is free and if you don’t put enough to pay for an engagement ring on this game we’re no longer friends.
And that’s it. Please don’t @ when none of these hit, my mentions look like the Hindenburg already.