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We have a new betting strategy for all you degens this week

I don’t know about you guys, but I’m kind of disappointed that Iowa doesn’t play this week. Not because I love me some Hawkeye football, but because I have made a pretty penny betting against our beloved Hawks this year.

There I said it. I’m not sorry and regret nothing.

The games this week are only decent gambling-wise, in my opinion, but that’s fine. Last week I gave you the betting strategy of hedging one’s happiness, and now I would like to let you in on a little secret, known only in the sticky-floored pool halls of Chicago as Benny’s B1G Teaser.

For the uninitiated, here’s how it works: We’re going to take three Big Ten games, and tease the line in each game up or down 10 points. It’s like a parlay, but without the juicy odds. Instead we get to play God and move the line as we please. It makes weak men feel powerful and I love it.

So right now, we have Penn State -13 at Purdue, Illinois +9 vs. Minnesota, and Wisconsin -7.5 vs. Nebraska. Let’s wave our magic teasing wand and see what we get:

Penn State -3 over Purdue

Illinois +19 over Minnesota

Wisconsin +2.5 over Nebraska

You know what that is? FREE MONEY. I should probably point out that all three of those lines need to hit in order to cash out, but they all are locks so this point is moot.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s see what else is in the kitchen this weekend:

Baylor -3.5 at Texas

No one is talking about Baylor right now and I love it. Texas is absolute trash, and getting throttled at home by a Baylor squad that was supposed to be in shambles is just what Chuck Strong needs to, I don’t know, lose his job?

Auburn -4.5 at Ole Miss

I don’t love how we’re picking favorites here, but that’s just how it works. I read something this week that said if Auburn rushes for 70 yards this week, Ole Miss will have given up more rushing yards through eight games this year than it did all of last year. So yeah, the Reb defense isn’t great! Gimme the Tigers and Chad Kelly throwing 3 interceptions pls thx.

Chicago Cubs, whatever it is

Just bet the Cubs whenever they play. They aren’t losing. They are the Yankees this year, and the Indians are the … well, they’re the Indians. I’ll be in Wrigleyville against my better judgment all weekend; if you see me you can buy me a $12 Bud Light for all the winners I just gave you.

And that’s all we got! Have a safe weekend everyone.