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The following column is not for the faint of heart

I’m assuming you’re here because you never took a personal finance class in high school or otherwise. And that’s good. Vegas feeds on people like us and we’ll need that sort of blissful ignorance to stomach the next 400 words or so.

There’s not a lot of great things to gamble on this weekend, but there’s some just ok bets to lay, and that’s more than good enough for us.

Man, this is getting pathetic.

Anyway, let’s start with the bottom of the barrel, which is the inevitable Iowa-Wisconsin slobberknocker and then work our way up to something of substance.

The Game

Iowa +3.5: This seems about right. I think the line opened at Iowa +2 and moved around because Wisconsin is really really good, and Iowa is … Iowa. My line of thinking is as follows: Wisconsin just took a team that would beat Iowa by 40 into overtime. And that’s where my thinking stops. We’re going to bet Wisconsin, and be happy when Iowa wins and not worry about the money we lost. This is called hedging your happiness. Get used to it.

The over/under is 42.5. Remember, this game was a 10-6 BATTLE last year. And I don’t think either team’s offense has gotten any better in that time. Soooooooooo do the following to the under:

The Rest

Indiana +1.5 at Northwestern: Northwestern has no business giving any sort of points to Indiana, which is exactly what Vegas wants us to think. That’s a nice little reverse jinx right there, sharks. Anyway, I like Indiana and don’t care much for jNW, so we’re going to take the Hoosiers. The O/U here is also 52.5, and that over could hit by the first half.

Texas A&M +18.5 at Alabama: Tell me how the No. 6 team in the country is getting three scores. I don’t care if it’s at Alabama, that’s a load of points and I smell a backdoor cover here.

Arkansas +10 at Auburn: Is Auburn good? Is Arkansas good? Nobody knows! All I know is that I really like betting on Bret Bielema, and this has a cover (and maybe even a moneyline!) Written all over it.

Chicago Cubs +115 vs. L.A. Dodgers: If you’ve been watching any of these Cubs games, you might have heard Joe Buck say a thing or two about Clayton Kershaw. Well, you might have forgotten then that the Cubs also have Kyle Hendricks who’s damn near impossible to hit at home as well. And that’s nothing to say of the lucky rabbit’s foot that’s jammed down the pie holes of the Cubs this year. If the Cubs don’t win game six, just put everything else on them in game seven and you’ll be able to take a trip to Nashville to see Iowa play in the Music City Bowl this year.