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MARSHALL KOEHN WANTS A FEW CHANGES AROUND HERE

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Iowa City's latest hero has some ideas about how to make things better.

Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

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"...and so then I told him "No, Mr. Prime Minster, I have definitely never done that with Floyd--"

barta icon
Goddamn.

/foreboding music can be heard, getting louder and louder

/knocking at the door

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/sighs

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Come in.

/foreboding music screeches

/door opens

/Marshall Koehn strides in, then drops his arms theatrically

/road flares roll into office, sparking

Kane fire gif

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dammit

barta icon
Hi, Marshall.

marshall koehn icon
Hi, Coach.  Hi, Mr. Barta.

barta icon
Great kick the other night, Marshall.  Really put a spring in my step!

marshall koehn icon
haha... uh, right.  Thank you, Mr. Barta.

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So what can I do for you, Marshall?

/flares keep sparking

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Uh... can you put those out?  I'm pretty sure they're against the fire code.

marshall koehn icon
Oh, sure, sure.  Conor, get on that.

/Conor Kornbrath pulls out wet towels, covers road flares

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Is it really necessary to have Conor follow you around with that boombox, playing that same song all the time?

marshall koehn icon
Absolutely, coach.  I'm a legend now -- I need to cultivate that mystique.

kornbrath icon
THE DEMON KOEHN!

marshall koehn icon
In fact, I have some ideas about what we can do to improve the presentation during football games.

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Oh boy.

marshall koehn icon
You know how relief pitchers in baseball always gets a cool, bad-ass song to play when they enter the game?  I think we should do that whenever I enter the game.

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Let me guess -- you think we should play that song every time you enter the game.

marshall koehn icon
Nailed it, coach. I think it will really get people pumped and ready for an appearance by the man they racked up all those big fat priority points to see in action.

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We're certainly very appreciative of your kicking ability, Marshall, and you've been doing a tremendous job, but I don't know that Iowa fans come to see you personally as much as --

barta icon
Well actually, I did a survey...

kornbrath icon
THE DEMON KOEHN!

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oh goddammit, Gary, what did I tell you about more surveys?

marshall koehn icon
I think we should rename the student section at Kinnick, too.

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I don't know, Marshall, Hawk's Nest has been pretty good to us.  Plus, we're really doubling down on that idea this year -- did you see my ad on BTN?

marshall koehn icon
I sure did.  You hatched a beautiful football team, coach.

Icon Ferentz
Thank you.

marshall koehn icon
But I just think "Hawk's Nest" is a little played out.  I was thinking... Koehn's Krew?  You know, with a K?

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...

marshall koehn icon
OK, how about Koehn's Krush?

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What?

marshall koehn icon
Like a play on the Orange Krush at Illinois.

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...that doesn't make a lick of sense.

marshall koehn icon
How about this one: Koehn-inites!

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That seems... blasphemous?

kornbrath icon
THE DEMON KOEHN!

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Does he say anything else?

marshall koehn icon
Not if he knows what's good for him.

marshall koehn icon
I really think it will grow on you if you let it.

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(muttering) so will a rash, but I don't do that, either...

marshall koehn icon
Just imagine: "The Koehn-inites declare that Kinnick Stadium is under MARSHALL LAW today!"  Opponents won't stand a chance!

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...

marshall koehn icon
Finally, I really think we should add some pyro to the goalposts, so when I do this --

/Koehn drops arms in forceful pose

marshall koehn icon
-- after a made field goal, the pyro goes off and shoots big flames into the sky from the top of the goalpost.  I had a guy mock up what it could look like, too:

Koehn fire goalposts

kornbrath icon
THE DEMON KOEHN!

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Well, we'll have to talk to the fire department about that idea, but --

barta icon
I gotta say, Marshall, I think it's a great idea.  I can already see the sponsorship opportunities.  Field goals, sponsored by Burger King! "After every flame-grilled field goal, bring your ticket stub in and get a free flame-grilled whopper!"

kornbrath icon
THE BURGER KOEHN!

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oh dammit all to hell

marshall koehn icon
There you go, coach!  Now you're getting the idea!