"...and so then I told him "No, Mr. Prime Minster, I have definitely never done that with Floyd--"
Goddamn.
/foreboding music can be heard, getting louder and louder
/knocking at the door
/sighs
Come in.
/door opens
/Marshall Koehn strides in, then drops his arms theatrically
/road flares roll into office, sparking
dammit
Hi, Marshall.
Hi, Coach. Hi, Mr. Barta.
Great kick the other night, Marshall. Really put a spring in my step!
haha... uh, right. Thank you, Mr. Barta.
So what can I do for you, Marshall?
/flares keep sparking
Uh... can you put those out? I'm pretty sure they're against the fire code.
Oh, sure, sure. Conor, get on that.
/Conor Kornbrath pulls out wet towels, covers road flares
Is it really necessary to have Conor follow you around with that boombox, playing that same song all the time?
Absolutely, coach. I'm a legend now -- I need to cultivate that mystique.
THE DEMON KOEHN!
In fact, I have some ideas about what we can do to improve the presentation during football games.
Oh boy.
You know how relief pitchers in baseball always gets a cool, bad-ass song to play when they enter the game? I think we should do that whenever I enter the game.
Let me guess -- you think we should play that song every time you enter the game.
Nailed it, coach. I think it will really get people pumped and ready for an appearance by the man they racked up all those big fat priority points to see in action.
We're certainly very appreciative of your kicking ability, Marshall, and you've been doing a tremendous job, but I don't know that Iowa fans come to see you personally as much as --
Well actually, I did a survey...
THE DEMON KOEHN!
oh goddammit, Gary, what did I tell you about more surveys?
I think we should rename the student section at Kinnick, too.
I don't know, Marshall, Hawk's Nest has been pretty good to us. Plus, we're really doubling down on that idea this year -- did you see my ad on BTN?
I sure did. You hatched a beautiful football team, coach.
Thank you.
But I just think "Hawk's Nest" is a little played out. I was thinking... Koehn's Krew? You know, with a K?
...
OK, how about Koehn's Krush?
What?
Like a play on the Orange Krush at Illinois.
...that doesn't make a lick of sense.
How about this one: Koehn-inites!
That seems... blasphemous?
THE DEMON KOEHN!
Does he say anything else?
Not if he knows what's good for him.
I really think it will grow on you if you let it.
(muttering) so will a rash, but I don't do that, either...
Just imagine: "The Koehn-inites declare that Kinnick Stadium is under MARSHALL LAW today!" Opponents won't stand a chance!
...
Finally, I really think we should add some pyro to the goalposts, so when I do this --
/Koehn drops arms in forceful pose
-- after a made field goal, the pyro goes off and shoots big flames into the sky from the top of the goalpost. I had a guy mock up what it could look like, too:
THE DEMON KOEHN!
Well, we'll have to talk to the fire department about that idea, but --
I gotta say, Marshall, I think it's a great idea. I can already see the sponsorship opportunities. Field goals, sponsored by Burger King! "After every flame-grilled field goal, bring your ticket stub in and get a free flame-grilled whopper!"
THE BURGER KOEHN!
oh dammit all to hell
There you go, coach! Now you're getting the idea!