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KIRK FERENTZ: MASTER OF FAKES

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Iowa has now run fake field goals in two-straight games. What is the cause of this change of heart?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmm when should I fake it?
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm when should I fake it?
Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

Outside Kirk Ferentz' office

phil parker icon
You have to go in there and say something. I'm not going to be able to survive the season if this keeps up. Yesterday, I found plastic vomit in my gym bag. How is he getting this stuff?

brian icon
I know, I know. I've opened so many cans of beer nuts with snakes shooting out that I don't want to see beer nuts ever again. And I love beer nuts.

phil parker icon
Well, there's only one thing to do about it (gestures to the closed door). Time to have a talk with the old man.

brian icon
You owe me big time. He opens the door.

kirk clown and mustache gif

brian icon
Hey Dad, me and Phil were talki-

kirk clown wig
Brian, notice anything different?

brian icon
Yeah, it looks like you did something with your hair. Did you color it?

kirk clown wig
Nooooooooo. Hahahaha. It's a fake. It's fake hair.

brian icon
(sarcastically) Whaaaaa? No way.

kirk clown wig
Yeah, it's a wig. Look. He takes off the wig. Tricked ya, didn't I?

brian icon
Yeah, you got me. I really thought you had grown your hair into a rainbow afro. Anyway, me and the other coaches we were wondering if mayb-

kirk fake mustache
Wait, there's something else different. What do you think of my Pancho Villa?

brian icon
It looks nice. The black really mixes well with your gray hair.

kirk fake mustache
Do you want to know why *snickers* why it's black? Because it's not real, it's a fake. I don't really have a mustache. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

He pulls it off.

normal kirk
Ouch.

brian icon
Dad, this is kind of what I wanted to talk with you about. We, as a coaching staff, think you're overdoing it with the fakes.

normal kirk
What?

brian icon
We loved that you approved that fake field goal against Illinois State. It was very bold.

normal kirk
Yeah, and the people loved it. Did you hear that cheer? There wasn't even a burrito to lift.

brian icon
Yeah, but the fake at the end of the first half against Iowa State might have been a little too brave.

normal kirk
Did we win?

brian icon
Yes, we did. But we're thinking you might have fallen in love with fakes.

normal kirk
Well, I don't know about that.

brian icon
Let's see. The fake vomit... the fake can of beer nuts... the fake wig... the fake mustache... the prank phone calls.

normal kirk
FAKE phone calls, not prank. And how do you know that wasn't really Christopher Walken?

brian icon
When I said goodbye, you said ‘bye son'.

normal kirk
Damn.

brian icon
We just think that we don't need to run fake field goals every game.

normal kirk
Hey, this was not my idea remember. Everybody - the fans, the coaches, even Gary - said I had to be less predictable. What did you want me to do, get rid of assistants? You guys are perfect targets for my fakes, I can't get rid of you.

brian icon
We like that we're more unpredictable as a team, we just want you to tone things down a bit.

normal kirk
OK, if you want me to tone things down, I wi-.

The secretary buzzes in.

joan icon
Kirk, Derrick Mitchell here to see you.

normal kirk
Send him in. To Brian. Oh, you have to stick around for this.

Mitchell enters.

normal kirk
Derrick, I understand you're having some problems with the University.

derrick icon
Coach, it's not as it seems.

normal kirk
Well, what I heard is that you did not pick up a different plate when you went back for more food at the cafeteria.

derrick icon
What?

normal kirk
And we as a program cannot abide with this kind of outrage. So, we're suspending you for the entire season.

derrick icon
What?

brian icon
What?

derrick icon
Coach, I can't believe this. I thought I was going to contribute this year.

normal kirk
Next time, grab a new plate. Now get to class.

derrick icon
But... He turns to leave.

normal kirk
Oh... and Derrick.

FAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You should have seen your face.

Derrick and Brian both look at Kirk horrified.

normal kirk
Nah, really, you're back. Have a good day, I'll see you at practice.

derrick icon
Th-thanks.

Derrick leaves, passing punter Dillon Kidd at the door

dillon icon
Hey coach!

brian icon
Oh God.

normal kirk
Dillon, my man. What are you doing here?

dillon icon
Coach Parker, told me to see you. So, when's it happening?

normal kirk
When is what happening?

dillon icon
When are we running that fake punt? I bet Pitt won't be expecting it.

normal kirk
Fake... punt?

dillon icon
Yeah, I'll keep the ball, maybe throw it. My arm is loose.

normal kirk
A fake punt.

dillon icon
Yeah.

normal kirk
Get out of my office.

dillon icon
What?

normal kirk
NOW! There will be no fake punt. In fact, we're done with fakes altogether. Why would you fake something when it would make more sense to just do it? He throws the wig and fake mustache at Kidd. Get this crap out of here and get ready for practice. A fake punt? Golly.

Brian and Dillon walk out together

dillon icon
What was that?

brian icon
Well... were you tired of seeing that blurry ass on the screen during every team meeting? That's now over.

dillon icon
Finally.