Outside Kirk Ferentz' office
You have to go in there and say something. I'm not going to be able to survive the season if this keeps up. Yesterday, I found plastic vomit in my gym bag. How is he getting this stuff?
I know, I know. I've opened so many cans of beer nuts with snakes shooting out that I don't want to see beer nuts ever again. And I love beer nuts.
Well, there's only one thing to do about it (gestures to the closed door). Time to have a talk with the old man.
You owe me big time. He opens the door.
Hey Dad, me and Phil were talki-
Brian, notice anything different?
Yeah, it looks like you did something with your hair. Did you color it?
Nooooooooo. Hahahaha. It's a fake. It's fake hair.
(sarcastically) Whaaaaa? No way.
Yeah, it's a wig. Look. He takes off the wig. Tricked ya, didn't I?
Yeah, you got me. I really thought you had grown your hair into a rainbow afro. Anyway, me and the other coaches we were wondering if mayb-
Wait, there's something else different. What do you think of my Pancho Villa?
It looks nice. The black really mixes well with your gray hair.
Do you want to know why *snickers* why it's black? Because it's not real, it's a fake. I don't really have a mustache. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
He pulls it off.
Dad, this is kind of what I wanted to talk with you about. We, as a coaching staff, think you're overdoing it with the fakes.
We loved that you approved that fake field goal against Illinois State. It was very bold.
Yeah, and the people loved it. Did you hear that cheer? There wasn't even a burrito to lift.
Yeah, but the fake at the end of the first half against Iowa State might have been a little too brave.
Did we win?
Yes, we did. But we're thinking you might have fallen in love with fakes.
Well, I don't know about that.
Let's see. The fake vomit... the fake can of beer nuts... the fake wig... the fake mustache... the prank phone calls.
FAKE phone calls, not prank. And how do you know that wasn't really Christopher Walken?
When I said goodbye, you said ‘bye son'.
We just think that we don't need to run fake field goals every game.
Hey, this was not my idea remember. Everybody - the fans, the coaches, even Gary - said I had to be less predictable. What did you want me to do, get rid of assistants? You guys are perfect targets for my fakes, I can't get rid of you.
We like that we're more unpredictable as a team, we just want you to tone things down a bit.
OK, if you want me to tone things down, I wi-.
The secretary buzzes in.
Kirk, Derrick Mitchell here to see you.
Send him in. To Brian. Oh, you have to stick around for this.
Derrick, I understand you're having some problems with the University.
Coach, it's not as it seems.
Well, what I heard is that you did not pick up a different plate when you went back for more food at the cafeteria.
And we as a program cannot abide with this kind of outrage. So, we're suspending you for the entire season.
Coach, I can't believe this. I thought I was going to contribute this year.
Next time, grab a new plate. Now get to class.
But... He turns to leave.
Oh... and Derrick.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You should have seen your face.
Derrick and Brian both look at Kirk horrified.
Nah, really, you're back. Have a good day, I'll see you at practice.
Derrick leaves, passing punter Dillon Kidd at the door
Dillon, my man. What are you doing here?
Coach Parker, told me to see you. So, when's it happening?
When is what happening?
When are we running that fake punt? I bet Pitt won't be expecting it.
Yeah, I'll keep the ball, maybe throw it. My arm is loose.
A fake punt.
Get out of my office.
NOW! There will be no fake punt. In fact, we're done with fakes altogether. Why would you fake something when it would make more sense to just do it? He throws the wig and fake mustache at Kidd. Get this crap out of here and get ready for practice. A fake punt? Golly.
Brian and Dillon walk out together
What was that?
Well... were you tired of seeing that blurry ass on the screen during every team meeting? That's now over.