Ed. Note: This post is not REAL NEWZ, it is a parody. If you're not familiar with that term, get your learning on.
IOWA CITY, IA -- In shocking news, Iowa center Adam Woodbury announced that, effective immediately, he would be forgoing his senior year of eligibility and leaving the University of Iowa to sign a contract to compete professionally. Unlike his recent teammates Aaron White and Gabe Olaseni, though, Woodbury is not signing a deal to play basketball in Germany -- he's going to be plying his trade in the squared circle as the newest WWE superstar.
"Well, I'd be lying if I said I hadn't been thinking about it for a while," said Woodbury in an exclusive interview with BHGP. "Seeing Aaron and Gabe sign pro deals really lit a fire under me, though. I didn't want to play pro basketball like them, though. I've been playing basketball since I was in third grade and a foot taller than any of the other kids. It was always 'Hey, look at the tall guy, he must like basketball!' I liked basketball okay, but it was never my passion, you know?"
Woodbury indicated that he'd harbored a passion for pro wrestling since childhood. "Wrestling's always been my first love," said Woodbury. "I've always preferred throwing clotheslines to hook shots. Give me a back rake over boxing out any time. And finishers trump free throws every day of the week and twice on a PPV Sunday."
It wasn't just seeing his fellow teammates sign professional deals that inspired Woodbury to cast aside the shackles of amateurism and pursue his professional dreams, though -- the Iowa flavor of the modern-day WWE also inspired his decision. "What really encouraged me was seeing the success that Iowa guys have been having in WWE lately. I mean, if Seth Rollins and Big E could hit it big in the WWE, why not me?"
Seth Rollins, a native of Davenport, IA, is the current WWE World Heavyweight Champion and has held the title since Wrestlemania in April, when he cunningly cashed in his title shot opportunity against the then champion (former University of Minnesota wrestler Brock Lesnar) after he had been weakened in a slugfest with top challenger Roman Reigns (a former Georgia Tech football player). Big E is the stage name for former Iowa football player Ettore Ewen, who was most famous at Iowa for being freakishly strong. As a member of the group The New Day, Big E was recently one-half of the WWE Tag Team Champions until they lost the titles in June to the Prime Time Players, a team led by former Florida football player Titus O'Neil.
Woodbury indicated that he would be reporting to NXT, WWE's developmental league, in a few weeks. "I'm really looking forward to getting down to Orlando and working with the guys down there, both the current wrestlers and the Legends that they said they bring in to work with us. It'd be really awesome to learn some tips and tricks from Ric Flair. I mean, he was "The Dirtiest Player in the Game!" I've always kind of modeled my game after his, you know. Those eyepokes last year? Total homage to Flair. And I was always trying to do a mule kick low blow when I was tied up with another guy under the basket, but I could never quite pull it off."
Woodbury wasn't sure what gimmick he would be given by WWE's creative staff, but hoped he would get to be a heel, or bad guy. "Faces [good guys] are just boring. All that rah-rah crap? No thanks. Bad guys are where it's at. Throwing elbows, poking eyes, delivering low blows... that's what I'm all about."
Iowa basketball head coach Fran McCaffery admitted that he was taken off-guard by Woodbury's decision, but he wished the 7-footer well in his new career. "I was definitely surprised when Adam came into my office and told me he wanted to go pro, although when he explained that he wanted to go into pro wrestling, it made a lot more sense to me. Coach [Andrew] Francis was always telling him that, no, he couldn't put his opponent in a crossface chickenwing when he was defending a guy in the paint -- that would definitely be an intentional foul.
"And it was Coach [Kirk] Speraw that suggested the 'shh' gesture after a dunk; Adam was always doing crotch-chops after he dunked the ball in practice and we were sure that would earn him a technical foul if he did that in a game. Personally, I was convinced that if he did that in a game Ted Valentine was officiating that he'd get ejected on the spot.
"In hindsight, I should have known something was up when he came over to my house every day this summer and kept power bombing my kids into the pool. Now I guess he was practicing for his new career. I gave him my blessing and told him to put in a good word for me with the McMahons. If this basketball coaching thing goes south on me, maybe I can be a wrestling manager, you know? I can swing a mean folding chair and I have a ton of experience yelling at bonehead officials who claim they didn't see something even though it was clear as day Valentine you blind son of a -- um, excuse me."
Woodbury thanked Iowa fans for their support during his three years in Iowa City and hoped that they would continue to support him as he embarked on his new career path. "I had a lot of fun at Iowa and it was cool to play basketball there, but if 10,000 people [in the opposing team's arena] are going to boo every move I make, I might as well get paid for it, right?"
H/T to Horace E. Cow for the image help.