KIRK FERENTZ ALSO WEIGHS IN ON THINGS HE FINDS 'BORDERLINE EROTIC'

...so y'know, it's still only July, but we're pretty excited about how the class is developing, and I'm looking forward to February when I can actually talk about the recruits, introduce you to them.

[light chuckles]

Oh, one thing I'd like to mention while we're all here, when we beat Northwestern 48-7 on our home field last year, that was borderline erotic.

w--what

We scored lots of touchdowns and Northwestern didn't, and the sensuous power behind it was just so real, so good.

Is... Coach, is this because of Bret Bielema's quote at the SEC Media Days?

Who? Never heard of him. Also, when we used our punishing ground game to make Pitt use all three of their timeouts before we punted the ball back to them, and they couldn't come back because they didn't have enough time to drive 80 yards, that was borderline erotic.

I just need to put it on the record that I'm deeply uncomfortable with your tone right now.

Four straight touchdowns against Illinois, AT Illinois. All on long drives. There was nothing they could do. I found that borderline erotic.

Why do we have to be here for this?

You know what else is borderline erotic, is a nice St. Pauli's Girl on a hot July day. The beer, I mean! Heh! Just the beads of condensation rolling off it, perfect if you're out back, doing a little yardwork, maybe take your shirt off...

I will literally beg you to please stop.

You know what Bret Bielema and I have in common?

I thought you hadn't heard of him?

We both went 7-6 last year. Both of us. He won two damn games in the conference and everyone cares about what he has to say today. Like he's the only coach the Big Ten has ever seen who puts literal tons of offensive linemen in the NFL. He says something's "borderline erotic" and everyone falls over. I do it and Dochtermann over here acts like I'm a monster.

Could you please not even say my name for, like, a month?

At least I went .500 in my conference last year. Did you know Bret's 2-14 in SEC play? Big bad Bret? Two and fourteen!

But they won their bowl game.

Like beating Texas last year was some big accomplishment! They had 40 guys on scholarship and their head coach might as well have been speaking Sanskrit.

That's not entirely acc—

I have four Top 10 finishes. Four. Bielema has two for his whole blessed career, and Alvarez had one while I was here. So let's not act like Bret's some upgrade over me.

But it's been five years since you've finished ranked at all.

Yeah, and Alvarez had a four-year stretch late in his career where the best he did was 9-4 (4-4). Your folk hero Hayden missed four bowls in his last 10 years. He finished unranked seven times in the last 11 seasons. If you coach long enough at a school that isn't a football factory these bad stretches happen. You just hope they don't happen early enough in your career that it gets you kicked down the ladder.

Hmm.

Now, where was I? Oh yes, the raw, savage eroticism of rushing four and dropping back seven on first, second and third down. The nipple-hardening security of knowing you'll never fake a punt. The deviant sexual thrill of letting an FCS or MAC team stay within a touchdown. Yeahhhhhhhh...

I'm leaving.