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IOWA STATE GETS SOME FAXES

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It's National Signing Day in Ames, too.

I'm a fax machine and I'm happy!
I'm a fax machine and I'm happy!

SCENE: A barn in pastoral Ames, Iowa. The sunlight pokes through the few holes in the roof that aren't covered by heaps of snow. A fax machine sits on an overturned wheelbarrow, and several middle-aged men huddle around it excitedly.

Icon Pollard
For being so expensive, this thing doesn't generate a lot of heat.

rhoads icon
I'm sure it'll warm up once kids start sending in their letters of intent.

Icon Pollard
How many do we have so far again?

rhoads icon
Let me check real quick... [grabs inbox] ...zero.

Icon Pollard
Weird. There are kids who want to play football for Iowa State, right?

rhoads icon
Oh gosh, yes! Hundreds, probably. Thousands!

Icon Pollard
Thousands?

rhoads icon
Thousands.

Icon Old Fax
BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

rhoads icon
Hey, look, there's one now!

Icon Old Fax
[spends like five minutes printing out a page]

rhoads icon
Gentlemen, say hello to Julian Good-Jones. He's on board.

Icon Pollard
Is he good?

rhoads icon
He's got "good" right in his name, of course he is.

Icon Old Fax
BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

rhoads icon
Here's Carson Epps. He said he could introduce us to Omar. Huge.

Icon Pollard
Oh man, I love the Steelers!

Icon Old Fax
BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

Icon Pollard
I'll grab this one. And now we welcome... Byron Cowart? Whoa, Paul, you just landed Cowart???

rhoads icon
Chalk one up to the Rhoadster!

Icon Pollard
I didn't even know we were in on him! National spotlight, here we come!

Icon Old Fax
BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

Icon Pollard
...this one's from Jadeveon Clowney.

rhoads icon
I... I guess he has some eligibility left. Huge.

Icon Pollard
Paul—

rhoads icon
Just really really huge for us.

Icon Old Fax
BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

Icon Pollard
Okay, this LOI is signed by "Cy Buttsmells."

rhoads icon
I... I definitely don't remember giving out that offer.

Icon Pollard
Paul, I think someone's having some fun with us.

rhoads icon
Really? Goofing on us? That's not the Cyrus Buttsmells I know.

Icon Pollard
PAUL. That's not a real person. Someone's sending fake joke LOIs. This fax machine is on a private, unlisted line, right?

rhoads icon
Pfffffffft. Like we wouldn't tell the world about the first functioning fax machine in Story County history.

Icon Pollard
God damn it. So anyone can send us letters of intent. Look. This... the last three faxes are all from the 319 area code. Who do we know in 319?

rhoads icon
Jeez, uh... is Sage Rosenf—

Icon Pollard
IT'S THOSE IOWA BASTARDS AGAIN.

Icon Old Fax
BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

Icon Pollard
Now they just sent one with the name "Jamie N. Consolable." [crumples LOI in fist] Well I'll show them who's the real Jamie around here.

rhoads icon
uh

Icon Pollard
I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!

Meanwhile, in Iowa City...

Icon Gary Barta
I don't get it. He was committed, and then he wasn't?

Icon Ferentz
Guess he couldn't handle the pressure of Iowa football, had to run off somewhere safe like Michigan.

Icon Gary Barta
Well, glad we dodged that bullet. So what are we doing about a running back in this class? Sort of behind the 8-ball here, Kirk.

Icon Ferentz
Well, I, uh...

Icon New Fax
MUCH MORE MODERN BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

Icon Ferentz
[reads LOI] ...I signed old "Eric Graham" here, that's what I did! A running back from, uh, the great state of Alabama!

Icon Gary Barta
Heh. Good. I knew you'd come through for me, Kirk. I'm so glad I'll never have to hold you accountable for any shortcomings on the football field in any way ever. You want another beer?

Icon Ferentz
I don't know, we've got that presser later today, you know I can't just show up bombed and ornery to those things...

Icon Gary Barta
Large Icon Barta 90 px

Icon Ferentz
Oh fine. Let's send a "Tim Beckman" LOI to Tim Beckman and watch his head explode.

Back in Ames...

rhoads icon
So you just sent Kirk a totally made-up but boring name? Where's the fun in that?

Icon Pollard
The fun is in how long it takes Kirk to admit that he got catfished.

rhoads icon
But what about the footage on Hudl?

Icon Pollard
The what now.

rhoads icon
There is an actual running back named Eric Graham.

Icon Pollard
Did... did he have offers?

rhoads icon
God no

Icon Pollard
Then I think we're in for an even bigger treat.