IOWA STATE GETS SOME FAXES

SCENE: A barn in pastoral Ames, Iowa. The sunlight pokes through the few holes in the roof that aren't covered by heaps of snow. A fax machine sits on an overturned wheelbarrow, and several middle-aged men huddle around it excitedly.

For being so expensive, this thing doesn't generate a lot of heat.

I'm sure it'll warm up once kids start sending in their letters of intent.

How many do we have so far again?

Let me check real quick... [grabs inbox] ...zero.

Weird. There are kids who want to play football for Iowa State, right?

Oh gosh, yes! Hundreds, probably. Thousands!

Thousands?

Thousands.

BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

Hey, look, there's one now!

[spends like five minutes printing out a page]

Gentlemen, say hello to Julian Good-Jones. He's on board.

Is he good?

He's got "good" right in his name, of course he is.

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Here's Carson Epps. He said he could introduce us to Omar. Huge.

Oh man, I love the Steelers!

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I'll grab this one. And now we welcome... Byron Cowart? Whoa, Paul, you just landed Cowart???

Chalk one up to the Rhoadster!

I didn't even know we were in on him! National spotlight, here we come!

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...this one's from Jadeveon Clowney.

I... I guess he has some eligibility left. Huge.

Paul—

Just really really huge for us.

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Okay, this LOI is signed by "Cy Buttsmells."

I... I definitely don't remember giving out that offer.

Paul, I think someone's having some fun with us.

Really? Goofing on us? That's not the Cyrus Buttsmells I know.

PAUL. That's not a real person. Someone's sending fake joke LOIs. This fax machine is on a private, unlisted line, right?

Pfffffffft. Like we wouldn't tell the world about the first functioning fax machine in Story County history.

God damn it. So anyone can send us letters of intent. Look. This... the last three faxes are all from the 319 area code. Who do we know in 319?

Jeez, uh... is Sage Rosenf—

IT'S THOSE IOWA BASTARDS AGAIN.

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Now they just sent one with the name "Jamie N. Consolable." [crumples LOI in fist] Well I'll show them who's the real Jamie around here.

uh

I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!

Meanwhile, in Iowa City...

I don't get it. He was committed, and then he wasn't?

Guess he couldn't handle the pressure of Iowa football, had to run off somewhere safe like Michigan.

Well, glad we dodged that bullet. So what are we doing about a running back in this class? Sort of behind the 8-ball here, Kirk.

Well, I, uh...

MUCH MORE MODERN BEEP BLOOP WHIRRRRRRRRRRR

[reads LOI] ...I signed old "Eric Graham" here, that's what I did! A running back from, uh, the great state of Alabama!

Heh. Good. I knew you'd come through for me, Kirk. I'm so glad I'll never have to hold you accountable for any shortcomings on the football field in any way ever. You want another beer?

I don't know, we've got that presser later today, you know I can't just show up bombed and ornery to those things...

Oh fine. Let's send a "Tim Beckman" LOI to Tim Beckman and watch his head explode.

Back in Ames...

So you just sent Kirk a totally made-up but boring name? Where's the fun in that?

The fun is in how long it takes Kirk to admit that he got catfished.

But what about the footage on Hudl?

The what now.

There is an actual running back named Eric Graham.

Did... did he have offers?

God no

Then I think we're in for an even bigger treat.