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FRAN MCCAFFERY MEETS WITH IOWA'S PR DEPARTMENT TO DISCUSS ADAM WOODBURY'S EYE-POKING

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Adam Woodbury's days of eye-poking may be over.

Steven Branscombe-USA TODAY Sports

Scene: a very important office building.

Fran Icon
Hi there, I have a meeting with the Director of Public Relations.

Cartoon Secretary Icon
He's waiting for you, go right in.

Fran Icon
Thanks.

Fran Icon
[walks into the office, wonders why there was a cartoon secretary]

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You wanted to see me?

Pixel Dick
Yeah thanks for coming, Coach McCaffery, have a seat.

Fran Icon
You know, I wasn't even aware that Iowa had a Director of Public Relations.

Pixel Dick
Yeah, I get that a lot.

Fran Icon
I bet.

Pixel Dick
Come on, Fran, our public image isn't just going to take care of itself.

Fran Icon
Right.

Pixel Dick
Who do you think gets ahead of emerging stories that could be damaging to the University's reputation?

Fran Icon
Um.  Nobody?

Pixel Dick
Not just nobody, Fran.   Me.

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OK, and why are you wearing a hat with a dick on it?

Pixel Dick
Dan Dakich borrowed my asshat.

Fran Icon
LOL.  He's not giving it back.

Pixel Dick
Listen, if it wasn't for me, that whole Rhabdo dealfew years back could have been a real disaster.

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Uh-huh.

Pixel Dick
Who else was going to sit in front of the media and answer questions about that, Fran?  Some random player's dad?  Pffffffft.

Fran Icon
Right.  So exactly what disaster are we trying to mitigate here?

Pixel Dick
You shittin' me, Fran?   I'm talking about EYEPOKEGATE.

Fran Icon
Listen, I already took care of....wait, why did you put the word "gate" at the end of eyepoke?

Pixel Dick
Because it's a scandal.  That's what you do.

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First of all, Dick...

Pixel Dick
It's Steve,

Fran Icon
First of all, Steve, it's not a scandal.  Secondly, that doesn't answer why you used the word "gate."

Pixel Dick
Uh, hello?  Remember a little thing called Watergate?  Total scandal, bro.  This is similar.  It's EYEPOKEGATE!

Fran Icon
WATERGATE WAS THE NAME OF THE FUCKING BUILDING IT HAPPENED IN!  IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO JUST THROW THE WORD "GATE" AT THE END OF EVERY SINGLE MINOR—[goes on for several more minutes about how adding 'gate' to the end of words is fucking stupid]

Pixel Dick
Geez.  Fine, we'll call it Pig in a Poke.

Fran Icon
Let's just get this over with.

Pixel Dick
Great, I had my team come up with a couple ideas on how to make this whole poke-a-dope thing go away.

Pixel Dick
Now, since the media has been villainizing Woodbury and making him out to be some sort of eye-stabbing monster, maybe we just roll with that.  Give them what they want.

Fran Icon
But how would that...

Pixel Dick
We'll outfit him with a Freddy Krueger hand so he can really do some serious damage.  Here's an artist's rendition of what he will look like.

Tiny Arm Defense

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Christ on a bike...

Pixel Dick
I know, right!  Nobody would fuck with him.

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What are you talking about?  Who would anyone "fuck with him?"  That's not even what we're talking about.

Pixel Dick
I'm just saying, it would be super badass.

Fran Icon
No, this is a terrible idea.

Pixel Dick
Is it not intimidating enough?  You know, that's what I said too.  Freddy Krueger is so last year anyway.   We need to go bigger.  Here's our artist's rendition of what it would look like if we replaced one of his arms with an axe with hunting knives as fingers and a gun sticking out of it.

Woodbury Hatchet Arm

Fran Icon
What.   The.    Fuck.

Pixel Dick
WOOOO!  How crazy badass is that?  Looks like he's about to go fuck Robocop's wife, doesn't it?

Fran Icon
Wait, wasn't she still a human? How would that——look, that's beside the point.  I thought we were trying to avoid more bad media.  This would do the opposite.  You literally did the exact opposite of the thing that was your job.

Pixel Dick
You know, I was actually concerned about that happening, so I did what I always do and came up with a second idea that is the opposite of my first idea.

Fran Icon
Brilliant.

Pixel Dick
Ok, I got this next idea from Kirk Ferentz.

Fran Icon
[runs at ludicrous speed toward door]

Pixel Dick
Whoa whoa whoa, just hear me out.  If you don't like this idea, I swear you can leave.

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Fine.  Let's hear it.

Pixel Dick
Ok, if we don't want to make Adam Woodbury a bigger threat.....we need to completely neutralize his ability to injure his opponents.

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Keep going.

Pixel Dick
Since he can't stop poking them in the eye, it's obvious that we need to.....

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.....

Pixel Dick
...cut off his index fing..

Fran Angry Icon
Fran Angry Face 150px

Pixel Dick
LOL JK....we need to make it so he can no longer reach his opponent's eyeball.

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Um, how do we do that?

Pixel Dick
WE SHORTEN HIS ARMS!

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God damn it, that's not going to work.  He's a division I basketball player.  He can't have short arms.

Pixel Dick
Oh really?  That's what they said about Karl Klug and Riley Reiff!  They both had tiny little arms and they both got drafted into the NFL.

Fran Icon
Yeah, but weren't they born that way?

Pixel Dick
Nope, Ferentz had us shorten them.  He said he wanted another Bulaga at left tackle and then he asked for a "defense Bulaga."

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Hmmmm.  Well y'know, he's only been poking eyeballs with his right hand...

Pixel Dick
Then we'll just shorten one of them. Jesus, you're a pain in my ass.

Fran Icon
I'll have to think about it.

Pixel Dick
Well here's an artist's rendition of what he will look like with one tiny arm.

Fran Icon
Wait, how did you alrea—

Tiny Arm Jog

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Oh hey, that's... not so bad.  Will he still be able to play defense and get rebounds?

Pixel Dick
Of course.  Here's an artist's rendition of what he will look like playing defense and getting rebounds with one tiny arm.

Tiny Arm Defense

TIny Arm Stretch

Fran Icon
That seems legit.  But do you think he'll still be able to score?

Pixel Dick
Hell, I don't see why not.  Here's an artist's rendition of what he will look like shooting a baby lefty hook with one tiny arm.


Tiny Arm Hook Shot


Fran Icon
Wow!  So he's really going to be the exact same player he is now, without the immanent danger of cornia wreckage?

Pixel Dick
I'd bet my left hat nut on it.

Fran Icon
Alright, let's do this!

Pixel Dick
I'll make the necessary arrangements.  In the meantime, here's an artist's rendition of Aaron White trying to high-five Woodbury and completely missing because he has such a tiny arm.


Tiny Arm High Five

Pixel Dick
Fran?

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[isn't listening]

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[stares into space]

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[thinks about the past]

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[wonders what might have been]

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(whispers)

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tiny white magic!

Tiny White Magic