Scene: a very important office building.
Hi there, I have a meeting with the Director of Public Relations.
He's waiting for you, go right in.
[walks into the office, wonders why there was a cartoon secretary]
You wanted to see me?
Yeah thanks for coming, Coach McCaffery, have a seat.
You know, I wasn't even aware that Iowa had a Director of Public Relations.
Yeah, I get that a lot.
Come on, Fran, our public image isn't just going to take care of itself.
Who do you think gets ahead of emerging stories that could be damaging to the University's reputation?
Not just nobody, Fran. Me.
OK, and why are you wearing a hat with a dick on it?
Dan Dakich borrowed my asshat.
LOL. He's not giving it back.
Who else was going to sit in front of the media and answer questions about that, Fran? Some random player's dad? Pffffffft.
Right. So exactly what disaster are we trying to mitigate here?
You shittin' me, Fran? I'm talking about EYEPOKEGATE.
Listen, I already took care of....wait, why did you put the word "gate" at the end of eyepoke?
Because it's a scandal. That's what you do.
First of all, Dick...
First of all, Steve, it's not a scandal. Secondly, that doesn't answer why you used the word "gate."
Uh, hello? Remember a little thing called Watergate? Total scandal, bro. This is similar. It's EYEPOKEGATE!
WATERGATE WAS THE NAME OF THE FUCKING BUILDING IT HAPPENED IN! IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE TO JUST THROW THE WORD "GATE" AT THE END OF EVERY SINGLE MINOR—[goes on for several more minutes about how adding 'gate' to the end of words is fucking stupid]
Geez. Fine, we'll call it Pig in a Poke.
Let's just get this over with.
Great, I had my team come up with a couple ideas on how to make this whole poke-a-dope thing go away.
Now, since the media has been villainizing Woodbury and making him out to be some sort of eye-stabbing monster, maybe we just roll with that. Give them what they want.
But how would that...
We'll outfit him with a Freddy Krueger hand so he can really do some serious damage. Here's an artist's rendition of what he will look like.
Christ on a bike...
I know, right! Nobody would fuck with him.
What are you talking about? Who would anyone "fuck with him?" That's not even what we're talking about.
I'm just saying, it would be super badass.
No, this is a terrible idea.
Is it not intimidating enough? You know, that's what I said too. Freddy Krueger is so last year anyway. We need to go bigger. Here's our artist's rendition of what it would look like if we replaced one of his arms with an axe with hunting knives as fingers and a gun sticking out of it.
What. The. Fuck.
WOOOO! How crazy badass is that? Looks like he's about to go fuck Robocop's wife, doesn't it?
Wait, wasn't she still a human? How would that——look, that's beside the point. I thought we were trying to avoid more bad media. This would do the opposite. You literally did the exact opposite of the thing that was your job.
You know, I was actually concerned about that happening, so I did what I always do and came up with a second idea that is the opposite of my first idea.
Ok, I got this next idea from Kirk Ferentz.
[runs at ludicrous speed toward door]
Whoa whoa whoa, just hear me out. If you don't like this idea, I swear you can leave.
Fine. Let's hear it.
Ok, if we don't want to make Adam Woodbury a bigger threat.....we need to completely neutralize his ability to injure his opponents.
Since he can't stop poking them in the eye, it's obvious that we need to.....
...cut off his index fing..
LOL JK....we need to make it so he can no longer reach his opponent's eyeball.
Um, how do we do that?
WE SHORTEN HIS ARMS!
God damn it, that's not going to work. He's a division I basketball player. He can't have short arms.
Yeah, but weren't they born that way?
Nope, Ferentz had us shorten them. He said he wanted another Bulaga at left tackle and then he asked for a "defense Bulaga."
Hmmmm. Well y'know, he's only been poking eyeballs with his right hand...
Then we'll just shorten one of them. Jesus, you're a pain in my ass.
I'll have to think about it.
Well here's an artist's rendition of what he will look like with one tiny arm.
Wait, how did you alrea—
Oh hey, that's... not so bad. Will he still be able to play defense and get rebounds?
Of course. Here's an artist's rendition of what he will look like playing defense and getting rebounds with one tiny arm.
Hell, I don't see why not. Here's an artist's rendition of what he will look like shooting a baby lefty hook with one tiny arm.
Wow! So he's really going to be the exact same player he is now, without the immanent danger of cornia wreckage?
I'd bet my left hat nut on it.
Alright, let's do this!
[stares into space]
[thinks about the past]
[wonders what might have been]
tiny white magic!