SCENE: Iowa has just defeated Maryland, and Iowa center Adam Woodbury walks over to the Maryland bench to have a word with head coach Mark Turgeon.
Hey Coach, I just wanted to say I'm truly sorry for what happened earlier with Melo Trimble. I promise you it wasn't intentional.
Hey, Adam. I believe you, man. Trimble's okay - it happens. Just promise you'll be more careful out there with those fingers of yours. They're deadly weapons! Hah-hah!
Hah! I hear that, Coach. No hard feelings, though? Put her there [extends hand] ...
Oww! Goddamit! You did it again you blundering lummox! Right in the cornea. Who aims a handshake at head level?!?!
Oh, sorry coach, it was an accident, honest.
Where's the trainer? Get over here, Matt. Do you have any saline solution?
[sprints over] I'm coming, Coach! Sit down here and let me get a look at that eye.
Hey, is he all right? [leans over to tap trainer on the shoulder]
He should be -- OWW! You hit me right in the eye, you idiot! Dammit! How could you miss my shoulder by so much?!?!
Oh gosh! Sorry man. Are you okay?
[A Maryland assistant coach rushes over]
Just leave well enough alone, Adam!
I don't know what I'm doing wrong ... [attempts to make the lifting arms/shrugging shoulders motion]
Jesus, my eye! How could you get the shrugging shoulders motion so terribly wrong?
Rats! Darn my clumsiness!
[A second assistant jogs over]
Just stay away from us, you monster!
Hey, no need for name-calling. Jeesh, I'm sorry though. [Attempts to palm his face in embarrassment]
Gah! My eye! Your head is up there, you moron!
Aww, nuts. Sometimes I reach for things and just miss completely. I don't know what's wrong with me.
[A third assistant approaches Woodbury warily, keeping a six foot radius from him at all times]
Hey son, relax. Relax. Shh... shh... It's okay. I think I may know what's the matter. Let me ask you: do you ever reach for your toothbrush and just miss it entirely?
Say ... yeah! I do!
And do you ever stop at a stop light and then realize you're still 10 feet from the intersection?
And do you ever reach for a rebound and then accidentally punch it away into the stands?
So, so many times!
Well, I think you may have a congenital eye problem that's affecting your depth perception. Maybe strabismus, or optic nerve hypoplasia.
You really think so?
I do. My mom had something similar and was always knocking glasses off the table. It must be why you've been doing so much eye-poking lately.
Gosh... so it's just a medical condition.
We'll have to get you to a doctor to make sure, but I think so.
[Tearing up] That is such a relief. Because ... because everyone seemed to think I was this bad guy... and I'm not a bad guy. I wouldn't hurt anyone.... I swear.
Hey, look at me, son. C'mon, it's okay. Look at me. Adam: it's not your fault, you hear me? [Woodbury looks away] It's not your fault. Adam, look at me. It's not your fault. [Woodbury begins to cry] It's not your fault. [Woodbury starts to sob] C'mere you big galoot. [3rd Assistant goes to hug him]
[Woodbury quite consciously and intentionally pokes 3rd Assistant in both eyes]
Sweet Turtle Jesus, my eyes!
You think I'm doing this by accident! I'm Adam Fucking Woodbury, motherfucker! I GOUGE 'TIL I DIE!
God, why?! I tried to help you!
I gouge for days! I'll gouge a cyclops! I'll gouge Stevie Wonder. I'll gouge the goggles off Horace Motherfucking Grant. I don't care!
[weeping] You're evil.
Know what my favorite Pixies song is?
What are you talking ab —
"Gouge Away". Know what Jarrod Uthoff's favorite Pixies song is?
I don't follow —
"Bone Machine". Know what Anthony Clemmons favorite Pixies song is?
Umm... "Tony's Theme"?
No, "Where Is My Mind?"
Oh, because of the turnovers —
Know what Mike Gesell's favorite Pixies song is?
Hmm... let me think ...
"Trompe le Monde."
Well, he is crafty.
Know what Peter Jok's favorite Pixies song is?
You know, this game is kind of fun —
"Wave of Mutilation".
I don't get it.
IT'S JUST AN AWESOME SONG!
Oh, okay. Because, you know, that would be a good one for you. Get it? Because -- you know -- with the eyes?
No. It wouldn't. Because you know what my favorite Pixies song is?
Well, yeah, you already said... "Gouge Away".
If you say so! [Gouges assistant a second time]
[screaming] Aaah! Should have seen that coming!
Good luck seeing anything for the next few days!
[Woodbury's teammates see what's happening and pull him away]
You can't stop me! I'm the Luis Suarez of index fingers! I'll gouge agaaaaaaaaaain.... [Woodbury is dragged to locker room]