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Adam Woodbury Tries to Apologize to Maryland

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Iowa's center tries to make amends with the Maryland staff after his most recent poking incident.

Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

SCENE: Iowa has just defeated Maryland, and Iowa center Adam Woodbury walks over to the Maryland bench to have a word with head coach Mark Turgeon.

woodburyicon2
Hey Coach, I just wanted to say I'm truly sorry for what happened earlier with Melo Trimble. I promise you it wasn't intentional.

turgeon
Hey, Adam. I believe you, man. Trimble's okay - it happens. Just promise you'll be more careful out there with those fingers of yours. They're deadly weapons! Hah-hah!

woodburyicon2
Hah! I hear that, Coach. No hard feelings, though? Put her there [extends hand] ...

[Woodbury gouges Mark Turgeon's eyes]

turgeon
Oww! Goddamit! You did it again you blundering lummox! Right in the cornea. Who aims a handshake at head level?!?!

woodburyicon2
Oh, sorry coach, it was an accident, honest.

turgeon
Where's the trainer? Get over here, Matt. Do you have any saline solution?

mdtrainer
[sprints over] I'm coming, Coach! Sit down here and let me get a look at that eye.

woodburyicon2
Hey, is he all right? [leans over to tap trainer on the shoulder]

mdtrainer
He should be -- OWW! You hit me right in the eye, you idiot! Dammit! How could you miss my shoulder by so much?!?!

woodburyicon2
Oh gosh! Sorry man. Are you okay?

[A Maryland assistant coach rushes over]

mdasst1
Just leave well enough alone, Adam!

woodburyicon2
I don't know what I'm doing wrong ... [attempts to make the lifting arms/shrugging shoulders motion]

mdasst1
Jesus, my eye! How could you get the shrugging shoulders motion so terribly wrong?

woodburyicon2
Rats! Darn my clumsiness!

[A second assistant jogs over]

mdasst2
Just stay away from us, you monster!

woodburyicon2
Hey, no need for name-calling. Jeesh, I'm sorry though. [Attempts to palm his face in embarrassment]

mdasst2
Gah! My eye! Your head is up there, you moron!

woodburyicon2
Aww, nuts. Sometimes I reach for things and just miss completely. I don't know what's wrong with me.

[A third assistant approaches Woodbury warily, keeping a six foot radius from him at all times]

mdasst3
Hey son, relax. Relax. Shh... shh... It's okay. I think I may know what's the matter. Let me ask you: do you ever reach for your toothbrush and just miss it entirely?

woodburyicon2
Say ... yeah! I do!

mdasst3
And do you ever stop at a stop light and then realize you're still 10 feet from the intersection?

woodburyicon2
Why, yes!

mdasst3
And do you ever reach for a rebound and then accidentally punch it away into the stands?

woodburyicon2
So, so many times!

mdasst3
Well, I think you may have a congenital eye problem that's affecting your depth perception. Maybe strabismus, or optic nerve hypoplasia.

woodburyicon2
You really think so?

mdasst3
I do. My mom had something similar and was always knocking glasses off the table. It must be why you've been doing so much eye-poking lately.

woodburyicon2
Gosh... so it's just a medical condition.

mdasst3
We'll have to get you to a doctor to make sure, but I think so.

woodburyicon2
[Tearing up] That is such a relief. Because ... because everyone seemed to think I was this bad guy... and I'm not a bad guy. I wouldn't hurt anyone.... I swear.

mdasst3
Hey, look at me, son. C'mon, it's okay. Look at me. Adam: it's not your fault, you hear me? [Woodbury looks away] It's not your fault. Adam, look at me. It's not your fault. [Woodbury begins to cry] It's not your fault. [Woodbury starts to sob] C'mere you big galoot. [3rd Assistant goes to hug him]

[Woodbury quite consciously and intentionally pokes 3rd Assistant in both eyes]

mdasst3
Sweet Turtle Jesus, my eyes!

woodburyicon2
You think I'm doing this by accident! I'm Adam Fucking Woodbury, motherfucker! I GOUGE 'TIL I DIE!

mdasst3
God, why?! I tried to help you!

woodburyicon2
I gouge for days! I'll gouge a cyclops! I'll gouge Stevie Wonder. I'll gouge the goggles off Horace Motherfucking Grant. I don't care!

mdasst3
[weeping] You're evil.

woodburyicon2
Know what my favorite Pixies song is?

mdasst3
What are you talking ab —

woodburyicon2
"Gouge Away". Know what Jarrod Uthoff's favorite Pixies song is?

mdasst3
I don't follow —

woodburyicon2
"Bone Machine". Know what Anthony Clemmons favorite Pixies song is?

mdasst3
Umm... "Tony's Theme"?

woodburyicon2
No, "Where Is My Mind?"

mdasst3
Oh, because of the turnovers —

woodburyicon2
Know what Mike Gesell's favorite Pixies song is?

mdasst3
Hmm... let me think ...

woodburyicon2
"Trompe le Monde."

mdasst3
Well, he is crafty.

woodburyicon2
Know what Peter Jok's favorite Pixies song is?

mdasst3
You know, this game is kind of fun —

woodburyicon2
"Wave of Mutilation".

mdasst3
I don't get it.

woodburyicon2
IT'S JUST AN AWESOME SONG!

mdasst3
Oh, okay. Because, you know, that would be a good one for you. Get it? Because -- you know -- with the eyes?

woodburyicon2
No. It wouldn't. Because you know what my favorite Pixies song is?

mdasst3
Well, yeah, you already said... "Gouge Away".

woodburyicon2
If you say so! [Gouges assistant a second time]

mdasst3
[screaming] Aaah! Should have seen that coming!

woodburyicon2
Good luck seeing anything for the next few days!

[Woodbury's teammates see what's happening and pull him away]

woodburyicon2
You can't stop me! I'm the Luis Suarez of index fingers! I'll gouge agaaaaaaaaaain.... [Woodbury is dragged to locker room]