FanPost

SO YOU'RE GOING TO PASADENA

Hello there, reader! Since you are reading this on Blackheartgoldpants.com, I am going to assume you are a Hawkeye sports fan and in the spirit of joy this amazing football season has brought to your holidays as well as mine, I wish you all good tidings and Fuck Nebraska. Like you, I am a reader of this fine blog. Unlike most of you, I recently spent over 5 years living in Los Angeles and return frequently for business. This lengthy (!) FanPost is my attempt to leverage that experience and give you an overview of what I think most Iowans would look for and appreciate in their quadranscentennial trip to lovely Pasadena. NOTE: if you are from Pasadena/Los Angeles, please feel free to offer your own suggestions in the comments below.

SO YOU ARE FLYING IN

LAX is huge. While it's laid out much better than O'Hare or other enormous airports, it's still a lot of hassle to get in or out. Best tips I can offer are never to cab it, the rental car shuttles can get you anywhere you need to go. PROTIP1: It is guaranteed that at LAX, your specific rental car shuttle will be the last one you see, and no locations are in the terminal or within walking distance, so here are the groupings of rental car companies sitting on the same lots so you can grab the first one you see of these instead of waiting for your specific shuttle: ALAMO-NATIONAL-DOLLAR; AVIS-BUDGET; HERTZ stands alone but has the most buses (I always personally get Hertz). Trust me, take any of them in the grouping and save yourself 15 frustrating minutes. PROTIP2: The best food in LAX is to take the shuttle for THE PARKING SPOT - SEPULVEDA (not CENTURY!) and find that it drops you at the front door to an In-N-Out. CPK is also fine, everything else is shit. Don't eat at LAX, no matter how hungry you got on the flight - see food options below.

Other airports: Ontario (ONT), John Wayne (SNA), and Burbank (BUR) are all close and reasonable alternatives on pricing. I adore SNA for its small size, locality, and ease to get in/out, but the only one that avoids traffic snarls to Pasadena/North L.A. is Burbank. Other people will fly into airports further away and drive in to save money: San Diego (SAN), Las Vegas (LAS), or even Phoenix (PHX) or Mesa (LOL I don't have a clue what that stupid airport code is). If so, you will be driving in for a while.

SO YOU ARE DRIVING IN

There are really only two roads into L.A. from Iowa-way: The 10 and the 15. FYI, that's how you say those. "The 10" and "The 15", look like a local and get free stuff maybe! (FYI: Nobody from L.A. will think your Iowan ass is from L.A. - you're not wearing sunglasses at night and you're not wearing $800 worth of clothes that look exactly like any other clothes). As a general rule, driving in is an excellent option, but just beware that Los Angeles drivers are the most aggressive in the United States. You'll feel like you're just a caveman, you don't understand their crazy fast driving and inability to use turn signals and tailgating literally 9 inches from your bumper at 80mph. But there's one thing I do know: Tough through it and I swear within 4 days you'll also be an aggressive asshole pulling a Pittsburgh Left against 4 lanes of traffic because that's really the only way to get around the traffic snarls.

SO YOU'VE HEARD ABOUT THE TRAFFIC

All freeways will have ENORMOUS traffic problems going West/South at the times people are commuting into the city in the morning: Roughly 6am until 9am; And corresponding, even worse, traffic problems going East/North at the time people are commuting home: Roughly 3pm until 7pm. But I always tell people, at least the freeways in L.A. always move, and they're highly predictable. Avoid those times and directions, you're golden, and there's so many freeways in L.A. that it's easy to get everywhere. Feel free to get a hotel pretty much anywhere in the city and you'll get around fine, it's the largest car-culture city in the world. IMPORTANT DRIVING NOTE IN LOS ANGELES1: When sitting in a left turn lane waiting for traffic and the light to turn, the accepted rule is TWO, and exactly TWO, cars turn left after the light turns red. This is really the only way to turn left in Los Angeles. If you wait your turn until the next green arrow you are getting the honking of a lifetime, and I think you deserve it because you were told the rules. You will also get the honking of a lifetime if you drive less than 80mph in the diamond/HOV lane. Just a warning. IMPORTANT DRIVING NOTE IN LOS ANGELES2: Motorcycles are legally allowed to drive between lanes of traffic in California (i.e. on the dotted white lines between lanes), at any time or general traffic speed. And they will. So when changing lanes, please make sure to double and triple check your mirrors because they come up faster than general traffic and are smaller/harder to see. IMPORTANT DRIVING NOTE IN LOS ANGELES3: Traffic and parking tickets are MUCH more expensive in Los Angeles/California than anywhere else. Speeding tickets start at $400, red light cameras will be $500, and parking tickets start at $80. IMPORTANT DRIVING NOTE IN LOS ANGELES4: As an Iowan, you may not realize that some parts of large cities are ridiculously unsafe, especially at night. As a general rule, avoid the parts of southern Los Angeles that you've heard about in Dre or Snoop lyrics (note: as an Iowan I'm assuming you only know 90s rap music, but you should totally check out Kendrick Lamar): Crenshaw, Compton, Hawthorne, etc. - generally you can avoid everything Southeast of LAX. And if you're a white Iowan like 94% of us, trust me, TRUST ME, that you should avoid the nearest Wal-Mart that is on the corner of Crenshaw Blvd and MLK Blvd even if you like Wal-Mart because you're Iowan. In fact, avoid Wal-Mart entirely. In California, Wal-Mart is much crazier and dirtier than you're used to in the Midwest.

SO YOU WANT TO HIT THE MAIN TOURIST SITES

There are better and more extensive websites out there to consult, but these are the sites I've noticed visiting friends/relatives to find the most interesting/enjoyable:

Hollywood Sign - this is the #1 tourist attraction in Los Angeles, there's a reason that Hugh Hefner put up $10 Million 5 years ago to preserve the area. You'll see it from just about everywhere, but it's the one you'll remember and people will ask about. Consider getting up close by visiting Griffith Park. But don't get too close, I have to warn you that any fantasy of having a Busch Light sitting on the scaffolding of a letter like you've seen in a movie will get a police helicopter on your ass in less than 5 minutes, believe me they don't play.

Santa Monica Pier - The best way to see the L.A. coastline and understand what a beach means in SoCal, just head West from LAX when you land and it's a great intro to Los Angeles. Not to get too personal, but that's how I introduced my girlfriend to L.A. when she flew in from MPLS in January years ago, and the end of the pier is where she later morphed from girlfriend to fiancee. It's a great place. PROTIP: Walk south from the pier along the beach and see the gymnastics areas where people are doing crazy impressive shit at any time of the day.

Venice Beach - PEOPLE WATCHING PEOPLE WATCHING PEOPLE WATCHING. If you want to see the craziest that Southern California has to offer, Venice is THE. SPOT. Short story: My wife's cousin from Alabama came out for the Rose Bowl MNC game 5ish years ago, and she had a notebook of "crazy things" she saw from her Los Angeles trip, and half of it was filled up from her one half-day at Venice Beach: Dog wearing sunglasses! Tattooed man offering me ecstasy! Man wearing a "Kick me in the ass $5" sign! Four men french kissing eachother! Man holding a guitar up to the ocean and yelling for forgiveness! There is a reason that every reality show casting shows up at Venice Beach to look for "talent" for their next hit show. Really, there are many reasons. Go, check it out. PROTIP1: Attend the freakshow. PROTIP2: Rent a bicycle and ride the length of Venice. So great. If you're adventurous, you can rent a bike near the Santa Monica Pier and drive the concrete path south to Venice. It's about 20-30 minutes of pedaling each way, and a fun ride. You'll stay along the ocean the entire time, and ride over cool stuff like the canals that Loyola-Marymount, USC, and UCLA use for their crew races.

Farmers Market - THE BEST KEPT SECRET IN LOS ANGELES. I use caps because I want you to understand how passionate I am about this. Farmers Market is a permanent "farmers market" on 3rd & Fairfax that turned into only 2 (GREAT!) produce stalls but over 100 restaurants and bars in less than half a city block. It's fucking eclectic and fucking A-MA-ZING. I'll offer specific restaurant recommendations in the Food section below, but I'll say that this is the best place in Los Angeles for a beer. Get a beer at one of the dozen or so bars, and walk around the entire area unharassed because it's one semi-contained location and see all the things this place has to offer. A store selling nothing but hot sauces! Another nothing but stickers! Another nothing but tree nut butters! Another nothing but exotic pastas! Another nothing but high-end dog treats! Another nothing but on-site hand-cut poultry! (do you even know what a squab is, bro?). If I can give one recommendation for a place in Los Angeles you've never heard of but will talk about for years, it's Farmers Market on 3rd & Fairfax.

Hollywood Walk of Fame - This is the place you will see all of the "Stars" that long-tenured or long-legacied celebrities get their name in concrete. Did you want to see Marilyn Monroe's star? John Wayne's? Shit, I don't know, George Lucas's star (LOL NOPE Fuck George Lucas he gets no star)? Here is where you go. It's a long line of names on 18-inch square tiles along Hollywood Blvd. If I was to recommend to you where to start, it's Hollywood & Vine at the giant parking ramp there, and head west. The epicenter is the Graumann's Chinese Theatre where you can see hand and footprints in the pavement of long-famous celebs (LOL the size of Paul Newman's hands tho), and more importantly dozens of costumed people wanting you to pay them $5 to get a picture with them. Sounds stupid right? Just wait until one of the people walking the line is a SPOT ON impression of a movie character you want a picture with (OMG it's Optimus Prime!) and you're a sucker like the rest of us. PROTIP: Play the Hollywood star game. You pick a random number greater than 5 and that number of stars from now is your person. Walk to find your celeb. Competing person does same, and you compare who got the better star and thus wins. Oh, you got Pee Wee Herman and I got a silent movie star from the 30s? Shit, you won.

SO YOU WANT TO WATCH OTHER BOWL GAMES

A funny thing about Los Angeles is that they never figured out that the rest of the world likes sports. If you go to any random bar, they not only won't have the game on, they might not have any televisions at all. If you want to watch sports, I swear to you that there are only about a dozen "sports bars" or less in all of Los Angeles. Really! Seriously though, I need to emphasize that this is true. Ok, anyway, here are the two sports bar chains in Los Angeles: Busby's and Barney's Beanery. Other than that it's ESPN Zone at Staples Center or jack squat. Really.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Barney's Beanery at the 3rd Street Promenade in Santa Monica is the best Iowa gamewatch location in all of the Western U.S., in case you made the trip but couldn't score tickets. It's a good sports bar that hosts hundreds of Iowa fans for even the worst games, so get there very early if you want a seat. Maybe before they open. They'll make it worth your while, it's half off your entire bill if you're wearing Iowa colors on gameday.

SO YOU WANT TO SEE CELEBRITIES

Look, I'm not great at this. But I've heard and witnessed that the best place to see celebrities are 1) where they live and 2) where they try to get laid. For 1), Beverly Hills and Mailbu. Maybe sometimes they are near Graumann's for an event or when they want to be seen. But yeah, Malibu, man. Just go to a Gelson's there and I bet you run into Jeremy Piven. Dude hit on my college gf no less than 4 times while she attended Pepperdine (he didn't remember that he hit on her the other times). For 2), hit the clubs in North Hollywood along Sunset Strip. I have personally seen more stupid celebrity happenings at Chateau Marmont's bar than you can claim in a lifetime, and like I said I can't spot celebs for shit. H Club is also good.

SO YOU'RE AN OUTDOORSY PERSON

I'll probably get yelled at by commenters from other great outdoorsy parts of this beautiful blue marble, but I swear to you that Los Angeles is the best outdoors location I've ever visited. All of the best terrains this world has to offer, all within an hour's drive of downtown (beach, mountains, desert, forest, farmland, etc). So much greatness, so local.

Griffith Park - Quick: Name the largest and/or best city park in the United States. Central Park? Pfft. Griffith Park in eastern Los Angeles is twice as large and just as great or greater. There's plenty to do, but the most important part of Griffith Park is that you can drive in, park, and hike up a mountain (srsly they're like 2,000 feet elevation at a pretty steep incline at times) and feel completely isolated from civilization even though you're in the center of the second largest city in the U.S. It's whisper quiet. And you'll go a mile or more along the path without seeing another human. I've never done it, but the horseback tours through Griffith look awesome. But Griffith hiking? That I have done literally a thousand times, and it's the best local outdoorsy thing you can do in the city. Way better than the beach, you're just going to have to trust me.

Catalina Island - 100 years ago, they released a dozen buffalo on this mountainous island due straight west of L.A. (it's the only island you'll see an outline of from the coast) to film a Western or two. Now it's home to the largest free range herd of bison in the world numbering in the thousands, one tiny town that cares a lot about your Lo$ Angele$ tourist dollar, the only zipline tours in L.A., and of course the Catalina Wine Mixer. Getting to Catalina is either by boat (SPEEDBOAT TOUR YO) or helicopter, but very much worth a half-day trip.

Sespe Creek Condo Preserve - OK, this is all the way up in Fillmore and a drive up a huge mountain on a gravel road so I'm sure none of you go there, but trust me that this is the most beautiful place in Southern California to hike. We went there at least once a month. Sweeping open panoramas, hopping boulders across the creek, giant bowls underneath the stacked waterfalls, not a person in sight for hours at a time. I know it's desolate, so desolate that it's the location they chose to start the California Condor rejuvenation program, but gotdamn is it beautiful and fun.

SO YOU WANT TO EAT GREAT FOOD

OK, I'm going to note that I'm a foodie. And not that bullshit tiny-serving ultra-plated food science you see made fun of in movies, I just love good food that you Iowans would for the most part also enjoy. Of all kinds. And I try everything. Food is how I (extensively) travel. All of that intro is only partly for arrogance, it's almost entirely so you believe me about my food recommendations. Here we go.

Sushi & Omakase - Los Angeles has the best sushi in the United States, and it's not close. And it's almost universally great everywhere, even most of those places you see tucked into the corner of a tiny strip mall have better sushi than the best place in Chicago. So trying sushi is a must. There's tons of great places within a mile of any place in the area, so I won't offer specific restaurant recommendations, just Yelp it. But I will offer one recommendation: Try the Omakase at a place that is reviewed well. What is Omakase? It's basically "Chef's choice" where they charge you a set (expensive) price and bring you out more sushi than you can eat, and it's all kinds of exotic stuff you will never ever find in the Midwest. It's a food experience you'll remember for a lifetime (who knew I would like Fugu!.

Fish Tacos - These are a specialty in the Baja-style-heavy Mexican cuisine of Southern California, and universally awesome. They're so easy and good that even the fast food places like Rubio's or Baja Fresh have simply top notch fish tacos.

Zankou Chicken - Only three locations in this small chain, but this is the best Shawarma in the United States (Zagat agrees!). It's just meat and sauce on a pita, but so worth it. I get the beef, my wife gets the chicken. They're both amazing and inexpensive.

Cha Cha Chicken - Just south of Santa Monica Pier on Ocean Blvd, this is my favorite Caribbean food in the city. Try the jerk enchiladas or the ropa vieja (shredded seasoned beef).

Singapore Banana Leaf - This is only one location (SW corner of Farmers Market, next to Pinkberry), but it's the wife and I's favorite restaurant in all of L.A. It's the first place we eat when we visit. Try the Tuna Sambal & Indo-Style Mee Goreng. Gonna have to trust me on this one. Bonus: The proprietor somehow attended the University of Iowa and if he's working the register the day you visit I bet he'll be wearing an Iowa t-shirt during the Rose festivities.

Tinto - a small, authentic Spanish/Portuguese tapas restaurant on Santa Monica Blvd in WeHo. Best sangria in the city, and the food is great. If he's still working there, the most attractive Spanish man of all time is the long-time bartender.

Lawry's - the steakhouse where the Rose Bowl players have their meals. There are better steakhouses, but if you want a Rose Bowl experience and to see the pictures, Lawry's has great food and is worth seeing.

SO YOU WANT TO EAT GREAT FOOD THAT IS MORE "IOWAN", NOT SO MUCH FISH OR FOREIGN STUFF

Golden State Cafe - Hear me out. HEAR ME OUT. Like you, I grew up in Iowa. And I swear to you that the best burger I've had in my life, bar none, hands down, no questions asked, period, was at Golden State Cafe in Los Angeles on Fairfax Ave. Blasphemy, I know. But try me. TRY ME. I'll allow a full face slap from anybody that disagrees (email in my profile and ask around, I honor bets)

Dupar's - They're in the Farmers Market on 3rd & Fairfax. And I promise you that you will never have a better pancake in your life. And please, take a brownie to go. The best brownie I've ever had.

The Hat - OMG do you want to try the best sliced beef in the world? Get the pastrami at The Hat. Serving portions are bigger than even you as an Iowan can imagine. Get a Pastrami and Chili Cheese Fries (both the best you've ever had) and if you finish it I'll personally palm you a sawbuck.

In N Out Burger - You'll see these across SoCal, they're a California-based burger chain. DO THEM. Best fast food burger you will ever have in your life. Don't ask me, ask everybody. But uh, the fries suck. Just be aware on the fries.

Slater's 50/50 - famous for their burgers that are 50% ground beef, 50% ground bacon

Umami Burger - competitor to Golden State Cafe. They're fine. But go to Golden State. Like I said, if you don't think it's the best burger you've ever eaten, I will allow you to slap me.

SO YOU LIKE CRAFT BEER

Like most places across the U.S., some craft beer is best to visit the cool brewery/brewpub, and some is available only through retail.

RETAIL: Southern California has some great craft beer, and you'll find all the big names you've heard of from San Diego or other places around the state that are all damn worth trying, but here's some local places you might not have heard of yet that aren't available outside Los Angeles: El Segundo Brewing has the best hoppy IPAs in Los Angeles, buy them. Bottle Logic is new but already winning golds across a ton of styles. Bootlegger's has some good beer overall but their Knuckle Sandwich DIPA is outstanding and very inexpensive (~$5/bomber). If you're looking for a good beer store, the best/largest (and best possibility to find some Russian River or other hard finds) I've found is Wally's in Westwood (on Pico & Westwood Blvds), though there are other highly rated stores on Beer Advocate I've not yet visited.

BREWPUBS: In general, I have to say that the brewpub culture is a bit lacking in Los Angeles itself, the best are in outlying cities. To hit the best, I say take a day trip to Anaheim. There you'll find three of the best brewpubs around Los Angeles: The Bruery is (rightfully) pretty famous by this point but I'd also suggest checking out Bottle Logic (try the Recursion IPAs and RISs) and Noble (try the Naughty Sauce it's a mind trip!). For retail locations during your Anaheim trip, the coolest (but most expensive) is Hollingshead's (GREAT taps), and the best prices/whale finding location is at Mr. K's.

SO YOU LIKE MUSIC

Live Music - I'm way out of the loop on this, but I've seen other commenters say (and since confirmed) the Grateful Dead are playing at the Forum on Dec 30&31, and that Motley Crue is playing the Staples Center on those same dates. Or if you like up and coming, some of the best places to find young bands are on the lower Sunset Strip. Live music rocks, maybe one of those bands rocks for you?

Radio Stations - L.A. has a lot of radio stations, here are the ones I know of. Sorry, no recommendations for country or classic rock as I don't really listen to those though I know a lot of Iowans do; New Hip Hop/Rap: 105.9, 92.3, 97.1; New "Alternative" Rock: 98.7, 106.7; 90s Rap: 93.5; NPR: 89.9, 89.3

SO YOU WANT TO GO SHOPPING

Rodeo Drive (Beverly Hills) - nobody from Iowa would ever actually shop here ($18K for a suit jacket!), but it would be quite well known because everybody that likes shopping has seen the Pretty Woman montage filmed here. PROTIP: If you are a woman of a certain age band, it's pretty certain that you loved "Father of the Bride" and would enjoy visiting the still-identical house from the movie: 843 South El Molino Ave in Pasadena.

The Grove - One of the largest outdoor shopping malls in the country. Insanely popular, this is the place they'll go for any mall scenes in any show based in Los Angeles. Also, the official place in Los Angeles for NYE fireworks and the largest Christmas Tree. Also the place you'll see things like Mario Lopez filming the show "Extra" live. This mall is attached to Farmers Market, see them both at the same time.

Beverly Center - a couple city blocks west of the The Grove is the Beverly Center, where you will find all the expensive Italian fashion brands you won't find in Iowa. One of the least expensive stores in Beverly Center is probably Restoration Hardware, where they sell all kinds of interior decorations at insane prices: mirrors for $3500, coffee tables for $4000, etc. FYI, if you want to see the best cars Los Angelenos drive, the Bentleys and Ferraris drive from Beverly Center westward to UCLA-area along Wilshire boulevard.

Melrose District - a couple blocks north of The Grove is the district where every up-and-coming fashion mogul starts in Los Angeles, all the tiny shops along Melrose Blvd between La Cienega and La Brea. If you thought Hollywood Film/TV was dog-eat-dog, wait til you see this place. Hyper-styled, hyper-ambitious designers start a shop here with only enough working capital on their credit card limit to survive for 4 months of rent. They either sell gangbusters or die quickly, no middle ground. This is also the place in L.A. where you'll see all the Banksy murals.

3rd Street Promenade (Santa Monica) - a big outdoor mall that would have the stores more familiar to Iowans, and it's a nice outdoor walk along the ocean and cliffs.

SO YOU WANT TO ATTEND A SHOW TAPING

These are available, depending on the popularity and studio size of the show you want to see. If you want to attend Conan/Fallon/Kimmel, you'll probably be able to get tickets. But you're going to find limited ability to see smaller studio shows or something that's not a daily show because they'll not tape during the NYE/NYD timeframe. For any show you're interested in, google them and you should find how to contact them. But you MUST call ahead of time, not just show up day of hoping for tickets. I've done a few and it's usually a number to call and free tickets, or a place to show up with your name on a list.

SO YOU RENTED A FUN CAR AND WANT TO GO FOR A DRIVE

OMG I have So.Many drives I want to tell you about because like I said above, Los Angeles is in my opinion among the best outdoors living spaces in the world. It's just too bad they put all those awful people on top of that great nature, right? Anyway, heres' my (short!) list on some great places to visit within a day's drive or so

Malibu (1 hour) - all the rich people move here because they can own the beach. Related: not many public beaches

Santa Barbara (2 hours) - the best monied hippie town on the planet. Everything you hoped it would be.

San Diego (2 hours) - drive through completely natural Camp Pendleton for 30 miles of beautiful coastline and see one of America's 10 largest cities. I lived here for 2 years. My post about SD would be nearly as long. GO HOLIDAY BOWL FUCK YEAH.

Santa Ynez Wine Country (2 hours) Just go northwest and live a life from the movie Sideways. This is where it was filmed, and all the locations in the movie are actual locations here. Do a wine tasting, they're cheap and great.

Joshua Tree (2 hours) Go east. See the most amazing desert landscapes, and the only place you'll ever see a Joshua Tree cactus. You can really only go in the winter due to heat concerns, so go now. Climb a desert mountain in January and take a picture at 4000 feet.

Palm Springs (2.5 hours) If you are an LGBT person, this is a must. WeHo first, then this. For all others, this is a crazy desert oasis with some monied hippie stuff you'll love.

Tijuana (2.5 hours) - everything goes. EVERYTHING. You could kill a man in TJ if you had $1,000 in your pocket to bribe the cop that witnessed the entire thing. So yeah, have fun. Proceed with caution. But fun.

San Luis Obispo/Pismo Beach (3 hours) - has to be seen to be believed. It's a fairy tale on land. Also, SLO knows how to drink

Big Sur (5 hours) I know this is a long drive, but just GIS Big Sur and realize why my will says my ashes are to be spread there.

SO WE'VE REACHED THE END

Best of luck to all of you, of course you won't try all my suggestions but I hope I've at least informed of some things to do/see during your short L.A. trip and try at least one of them. In any case, I loved my time in L.A. and hope you find some of that love imparted in my long spiel here. Now let's go cut down some trees. GO HAWKS.

Unless otherwise expressly indicated by BHGP editors, this FanPost is strictly the viewpoint of the author and is not endorsed by BHGP in any way.