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THE HYBRID: FARMAGEDDON FOR PERFECTION

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This week's college football games preview features Jim Harbaugh in a cemetery, Nicki Meyer's calming words, and the return of Clemson Tom.

Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

The Hybrid is a weekly preview of every Big Ten game, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate.

Regular season's about done, so this has all gotta be pretty much decided, right?

How could I forget -- it's college football. Satisfaction is almost never possible.

THE HYBRID

Tuesday

N/A

Thursday (Thanksgiving)

Texas Tech at Texas: I don't want to be this guy... but I think we need at least a handful of more CFB games on Thanksgiving. Or... maybe not? Is that too much CFB spread out over the three days? What do y'all think? Texas just has not been relevant enough for this spot lately. It's, like, you finish dinner, see that their game is on, get happy it's college football, but feel no reservations as you fall asleep not caring about the irrelevant game.

Friday Night Lights And Also During The Day

Miami (FL) at Pittsburgh:

Navy (15) at Houston:

Washington State (20) at Washington: APPLE CUP APPLE CUP APPLE CUP FINALLY RANKED MOTHERFUCKERS APPLE CUP APPLE CUP APPLE CUP

I never, ever thought this game would get relegated to secondary status, but Iowa is GD 11-0. Still, shit's important. Our main storyline: Wazzu QB Luke Falk got hurt last week and had to be hospitalized with what looked like a head injury. No one knows if he's playing yet, and it's one of those situations where you want him to play because he's The Guy, but you almost don't want him to because you're human and he's taken a beating these last two weeks and probably needs to rest. Head injuries are scary.

Plus the backup is named Peyton Bender.

Iowa (4) at Nebraska: 11-0, let's get it.

1. I'm a pretty superstitious dude, but I approach this undaunted:

2. Not to dwell too much on last week... but "real feel" was and is incredible.

3.

4.

5.

6.

Here you go. The lineup scene from Usual Suspects.

A photo posted by Marc Morehouse (@morehousemarc) on

7.

8.

9.

10.

11: ...and a parting shot for Nebraska.

Baylor (7) at TCU (19): Well the de facto Big 12 title game has somehow turned into the conference's second banana. Blame Bedlam.

Related: I was grocery shopping in Lisle, IL this past Sunday and came across this:

That's right, it's Baylor Bears-themed lighters -- in the mighty Midwest! They were the only team represented on this display. Someone has to explain to me how the hell this happened. Did the Texas grocery stores order too many? Is the owner of my store an alum? Or is there a true Baylor Bears conspiracy like crazy ass Iowa fans always thought?! (It has to be that, it has to beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee)

I really should have bought one. Because it's funny and so I could also set myself on fire if Iowa loses the Nebraska game.

Saturday

Indiana at Purdue: These teams, man. What do they battle for? Like, a bucket? And more importantly...

Did Indiana's Defense Give Up Points In The Fourth Quarter Last Week? I was not concerned, you guys. But after I saw Indiana down 18 against Maryland, I had some worry. I mean, what if Maryland just sat on the ball or something. But, you know, Big TennnnnMaryland Blows 18-point Lead In 47-28 Loss To Indiana.

But this actually got me even more concerned. So if Indiana came roaring back and Maryland stalled, does this mean the Terps didn't put up points in the fourth quarter?

No, they still did -- 10 total.

So yes, Indiana's Defense Has Again Given Up Points In The Fourth Quarter. That makes it 22 games in a row. The Streak is celebrating Senior Day with the rest of 'em.

And, as always, Nate Sudfeld forever:

Win gets the Hoosiers bowl eligible, btw.

Maryland at Rutgers: All season, you two have been individually ruining the Big Ten slate, when we could have simply consolidated this fart show the whole damn time.

Ohio State (8) at Michigan (10): The Game.

From the tOSU side... I don't know whether to preview The Game or dwell on last week's inexplicable loss -- so let's do both!

Zeke?

Zeke.

Big fan of the "I do not regret anything I said." He's so cool. Urbs, your rebuttal?

"A little bit more" = "I will not fully concede we royally fucked up the gameplan"

But by all means, keep not using the letter M.

Buncha netfaces, is what y'all are. #HATEWEEK

Even our darling Nicki got in on the act:

:(

The good news is she wrote another blog post, "A loss… and a call for positivity!"

It stings. That’s for sure. But the sun did indeed rise on Sunday morning!

Hmm, definitely true.
Based on personal experience, I truly believe there is a direct correlation between frequency of losses and the degree of pain associated with one. We, Ohio State fans, are lucky to feel this about only once a year, nonetheless the feeling is still absolutely devastating. But let’s be honest here, who in their right mind could believe we would never lose again?
Have you, uh, actually interacted with your deluded fanbase?
This is not life or death or cancer. This doesn’t compare to the tragedy of the bombings in Paris.
True.

The verse that strikes me today – Isaiah 40:31 "but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength.  They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

Go bucks! BEAT THAT TEAM UP NORTH!

THEY GO BY MICHIGAN, GOD DAMN IT. JUST SAY IT. SAY IT. SAYYYYY ITTTTTTT.

...

...

...

<3 you still.

Also...

We finally did it.

* * *

I don't even know what to do anymore regarding Jim Harbaugh's whack ass.

ESPN released an oral history on his 1986 guaranteed victory in The Game. It's mostly stories of him and then head coach Bo Schembechler being awful human beings:

Schembechler: The consensus on Harbaugh was that he was too temperamental to play quarterback. At a freshman practice, after a teammate hit him late, Jim got up and threw the ball in the guy's face...

Bo even kicked young Jimmy off the team in '84, but weird third person helped ease things eventually:

(Jon Falk, equipment manager): I went into Bo's office a couple of days later, and told him that Jim had learned his lesson and was ready to come back on the team. Bo looked at me and said, "Bo decides when a man comes back to this team. Bo will make that decision and nobody else." Three days later, Jim was back on the team.

These two deserve each other:

I mean...

Amen.

* * *

But even still. It's The Game, you guys. Through the many bothersome aspects -- really, just about everything except Denard and Charles Woodson played for this school at one point -- you have to allow me to be serious when kickoff comes.

/vomits, cries tears into the vomit

Clemson (1) at South Carolina: Speaking of crying...

"It's the Citadel."

Clemson Tom makes his triumphant return to The Hybrid, so I will give him the floor:

No matter who you root for, this is rivalry week in college football. For me and my family, it just so happens to be a revenge tour against the University of South Carolina Gamecocks.

To say I loathe the Gamecocks would be an understatement. I have yet to find a word in the English dictionary that can depict the type of hatred I have towards their fans. Ironically, I do not dislike their players -- being a former college athlete, I tend to have a little bit of respect for them. However, the fans can be the absolute bottom of the barrel-type people. I received death threats over the years and even my two-year-old son got his first earlier this week. Who are these people? These are the same people that week after week I have pictures surface of them getting it on on the gravel parking lot during tailgates. Doing cocaine in the stands. And even a girl getting fondled as she drunkenly makes out with a guy. These are low class people, and they have no self respect.

That being said, they did have a streak of beating us five years in a row. The funny thing about the Gamecocks is they forget football started before 2001. They also love to ride the coattails of their beloved conference, the $EC. Once again, I cannot tell you how horrible of people they are. It's something you just have to witness firsthand.

Their head coach has been tweeting trash talk throughout the week. By head coach, I mean interim head coach because their original head coach, Steve Spurrier... well, he decided to quit just a few games into the season because they sucked that bad. Spurrier will forever go down as being the biggest ass bag and cranberry boy there has ever been. I've never met an individual who has less respect for people. He honestly thinks he invented college football. He's just a drunk old man who rode up those paychecks and dragged that football team through the mud.

So now Clemson is the No. 1 team in the country, and we have to play a bottom of the barrel SEC team. You can bet your bottom dollar we will completely embarrass them on national TV. Watson will throw for close to 300 yards and our running game will go well over 100. We are basically going to embarrass them worse than they have been before. Their fans will leave before halftime, as usual.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving and make sure you raise your kids to not be Gamecocks

FYI: Bird Dog whiskey is fabulous.

That's some good hatin'.

Virginia Tech at Virginia:

North Carolina (14) at NC State: Well, the Tar Heels scored a paltry 30 last week, making it the first time they didn't drop 50+ since October. I'm starting to think they might not be the No. 1 team in the country.

Alabama (2) at Auburn: My 'Bama coworker claims to be nervous about this one. You know, rivalry game on the road and such. I won't let that talk occur. This is Zombie Alabama, man. It's not their game to lose, I promise.

Penn State at Michigan State (5): Michael Geiger time...

No, Michael, your hip is quite fine. The only thing you broke is Buckeye hearts. One more time? One more time.

Snow penises, take us out.

Wisconsin at Minnesota: Between throwing snowballs at their own cheerleaders *and* at officials (deserved?) is it time to fully cement Wisconsin students as "bad fans"? I generally shy away from that label with any fanbase, just because every team has its good and bad people. It's hard to generalize, but in my personal experience, Badger fans have been the most vulgar (don't really care) and violent (legitimately scary on the streets) of all teams in the Big Ten.

Not that they wouldn't be happy to hear that; those maniacs.

Northwestern (16) vs. Illinois: Wait, this is at Soldier Field?

Ole Miss (18) at Mississippi State: Hands down, my favorite Vine from last week.

Notre Dame (6) at Stanford (9): ...

Who's ready for that guy vs. ND Nation?

...anyone?

Remember, colleague Z.W. Martin and I have The Bet, which will be settled this Saturday. Notre Dame (him) vs. Michigan (me), margin of victory against the three hand picked teams off the other person's schedule. Loser has to wear pleated khakis for 31 straight days. Current standings:

Man, I am so screwed. Basically, Michigan has to win by 10 and Notre Dame has to lose by 10. Not off the table, but, like, come on.

Also, when was someone gonna tell me this game was 6 vs. 9?

Florida State (13) at Florida (12): Florida might have an elite defense, but the offense is just bleh's bleh. Writing them off feels both easy and correct.

Also, the FSU dude who caught this pass looks like he's playing a sport from the future which has not yet been invented in our less evolved society.

Texas A&M at LSU: Wait, LSU isn't even ranked anymore?

Oklahoma (3) at Oklahoma State (11): BEDLAM. Game of the Week.

(Is Bedlam the coolest rivalry name? It has to be No. 1 [maybe])

Oklahoma is *alive* after batting down a potentially game winning 2PC last week:

Oklahoma State, meanwhile, is coming off a 10 point loss to the Baylor Bears, of grocery store lighter fame. This game might not have the history of The Game or the name cachet of Notre Dame-Stanford, but in terms of shaping the national title picture, it is definitely the most relevant.

...

...

/switches to ND-Stanford to see if the Irish are losing yet

* * *

Wrapping It Up...

Happy Thanksgiving, y'all. Go Hawks and such so much.

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Black Heart Gold Pants. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or e-mail at bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.