MINNESOTA: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOSE?

Minnesota, we got one question for you.

(Photo by Jesse Johnson-USA TODAY Sports)

WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE

Lord, where to begin. Black? Not a Minnesota color! Never been! Now, most teams wouldn't outright admit that their school's current color palette is bad when they're designing uniforms, but most teams aren't tasked with making yellow and maroon look good. It's such an avoidable combination that when someone asked Answers.com which school's colors are maroon and gold, the top answer was Midwestern State University, which is not Midwestern, not even as it relates to the state of Texas.

And if you've got a deal with Nike, you can probably afford to have your jersey game as tight as possible. And yet whenever you see a team where everyone's got the same nameplates (and it's something generic like the school name or nickname), it's usually because the athletic department didn't want to spring for customization, and it's also usually high school. We're all aware which team you're playing for. Doesn't mean you need to change your name to Rodrick Minnesota.

Seriously, this all feels like Minnesota didn't want to pay for all the bells and whistles. The front bumper plate just says "TEAM," like Nike just printed some filler text for a mockup and Minnesota said "oh that's great, perfect, don't change a thing, don't charge us anything more for that!" And look, maybe I'm wrong, and Minnesota did that on purpose. I'll freely grant you that it's not that the concept of a team isn't important in football. It's that most players understand this and don't need it enforced via uniform by the time they're, I dunno, eight years old.

And then there's the decision to go with the maroon collars, which don't even match the rest of the jersey, and give the Gophers the dignified air of wearing a turtleneck dickey.

Minnesota, we'd call you the Eddie Griswold of the Big Ten, but Eddie didn't spend half the movie talking about how much he hates someone else.

The whole thing with "Ski-U-Mah" involves a neat little bit of Indian cultural appropriation, but seeing as how Minnesota doesn't get into whooping or chants or anything else flagrantly racist, we're just gonna let that one slide.

And Goldy. Goldy, Goldy, Goldy.

(There's a whole lot going on in the background, by the way.) (Photo by Tim Heitman-USA TODAY Sports)

I mean, look. Tradition is what it is, Goldy doesn't threaten children, ostensibly the wearer can see out of the costume, etc. But man, that pencil moustache they gave Goldy. I... I just... I'm not sure that's wise... Not after the whole era of... y'know...

...Charlie Chaplin. Y'know, because his movies were all like a hundred years ago. What? Who'd you think I meant?

Anyway, Minnesota. You have nothing going for you, visually. Nothing. When your best foot forward is "Wyoming, but with a moderately less fecal dark color," you're doomed to the sartorial dumpster of the Big Ten from the word go.

Saturday's not going to work well for the Gophers. Not from a football standpoint and not from a "wearing impressive things" standpoint. Get used to it, Goldy; this weekend's going to be Ski-U-Mawful.