IOWA: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOSE?

Iowa, we got one question for you.

(Photo by Steve Branscombe / USA TODAY Sports)

WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE

What the helllll are you doing Iowa? No no no no. Those are like if moon boots made unholy shoebabies with a Carhartt jacket. Absolutely not.

I guess we can give Iowa credit for letting Basketball Herky strap on the pads and go to football games instead of Mall Walker Herky, who graced the sidelines for decades like this:

(Photo by Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports)

It's like a football uniform... it certainly has some characteristics of a football uniform, some familiar trappings... and yet it's not that at all. And we've got the Nike shoes, the football pants (with pads, just in case Goldy goes low?)... and whatever in God's name is going on with that shirt. Iowa hasn't used the Block I since it was running the triple option, so sure, let's keep putting it on the mascot in the 2010s. And... are those shoulder pads?

And how is it that a mascot with no discernably human facial features can look like it's your grandparent? How does that happen? Maybe it's whatever we're deciding is going on with that whole helmet situation, which looks like what football players wore back when we didn't really know how helmets were supposed to work. What, was leather too expensive? And who came up with the whole face situation, and what was that conversation like?

"For the eyes, I went with what it would look like if two commas were making coitus."
"Making coitus?"
"Attempting to mate."
"Sir—"
"Freak nasty punctuation."
"...I'm just going to sign off on this so you'll stop talking."

But all for the good old black and gold, right? Or, as anyone with a pair of functioning eyes could tell you—yellow. C'monnnn fam. The dome at the Pentacrest is gold. It's kinda shiny-khaki-ish. If a banana was gold-colored, you'd freak out. What Iowa wears... that ain't gold.

Which is fine! Bananas are useful for a lot of things! Eyesight, that's a good one. No wait, that's carrots. Potassium. That does something—you don't get cramps if you eat potassium, right? Also, with the peels, in Mario Kart... devastating.

Maybe we're onto something here. Maybe Iowa can embrace this fruit-based identity, credit the nutrients for Iowa's game-winning goal-line stops at Wisconsin this year (and Syracuse in '06, why not?), and reap huge financial rewards as fans buy themed merchandise to commemorate the events. After all...

...there's always money in the Banana Stand.