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NORTHWESTERN: WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOSE?

Every week, Iowa's opponent just so happens to wear the worst uniforms we've ever seen.

By Adam Jacobi
Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images

Northwestern, we got one question for you.

Fitz shoes

(Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

WHAT ARE THOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE

Yes, for Wisconsin we lampooned the mascot's shoes and for Illinois the mascot's entire raison d'être, but let's be honest, Pat Fitzgerald has been the Northwestern mascot since the day he was hired, and he dresses and acts the part.

And really, Northwestern. Congratulations. No, really. Ordinarily, a team with a D-II fanbase and facilities that took its logo from a bottle of Louisiana Hot Sauce wouldn't prosper in a major athletic conference, but as always, never doubt the will of a concentrated group of old rich people to manufacture their authenticity.

Louisiana Hot Sauce

Truly a proud collegiate tradition borne from the land of spicy condiments, right alongside the Lehigh Horseradishes and the mighty Fordham Cholulas.

We'll be contending with Northwestern's 20th anniversary uniforms this week, courtesy of Under Armour. Yes, that's Under Armour, because who wouldn't want to be a third-tier school on a label whose flagship school is Maryland?

The rich people will complain with the ferocity of a three-year-old who didn't get their nap if you don't compliment them for this rudimentary display of creativity, so just tell them "good job" for this and you can move on with your day. It's for the best.

It's a little bit of a shame, because that means we're denied an opportunity to witness the Stripey Time uniforms that the Cats have made famous-ish. I mean...

jNWU

(Photo by Leon Halip/Getty Images)

The "Northwestern stripe" is an actual thing, one that today Iowa utilizes in a slightly altered form on its shoulders (though it is funny that Northwestern continues to take credit for a 90-year-old sartorial flair, in case there are people out there trying to give big ups for the inventor of cufflinks or whatever) . And sure enough, Under Armour taking it off the sleeves where it looks the best and instead bisecting the uniform numbers where it looks the worst is just peak Under Armour.

We can stop this one here. Northwestern looks stupid because Northwestern has always looked stupid and will always look stupid. They just so happen to wear the worst uniforms we've ever seen.

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