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PAT FITZGERALD SEEKS TREATMENT FOR A RARE MEDICAL CONDITION

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After years of ignoring his problem, Pat Fitzgerald finally sees a doctor after an episode at a local mall.

Pat Fitzgerald has a problem.
Pat Fitzgerald has a problem.
Caylor Arnold-USA TODAY Sports

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: This post is NSFW. Don't open it at work. Don't open it anywhere. In fact, delete your computer. Just do it.

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Fine, but you've been warned.

mall

fitzgerald small
/whistles like an asshole while walking around the mall

fitzgerald small
Wow, it sure is nice to get out and about.

phone
/cat meow ringtone

fitzgerald small
Probably my chair guy.

phone
text1

fitzgerald small
/types with index finger

fitzgerald small
text2

phone
text3

fitzgerald small
/doesn't get it

fitzgerald small
I'll just pick him up a sweet Northwestern sweatshirt.  That little shithead was wearing an Illini one last time he came over.  He's probably just confused.

fitzgerald small
/Walks into sporting goods store

fitzgerald small
Excuse me, miss.

not impressed icon
Yeah?

fitzgerald small
Where are your college sweatshirts?

not impressed icon
Right in front of you.

fitzgerald small
/looks really hard

fitzgerald small
This is all the teams you have?

not impressed icon
Um yeah, there's like 50.

fitzgerald small
Don't you have any local teams?

not impressed icon
Illinois.  Right there.

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Other than Illinois.

not impressed icon
Northern Illinois.  Right there.

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Other than that.

not impressed icon
Southern Illinois, Eastern Illinois, Illinois State, Western Illinois.  They're all right there.

fitzgerald small
This can't be all of them.

not impressed icon
Dude, it's almost my break, what do you seriously even want?

fitzgerald small
Come on, don't you know who I am?

not impressed icon
Are you like in a band or something?

fitzgerald small
No, I'm not in a...

not impressed icon
Because you kind of look like what would have happened if Henry Rollins went to a douchey private school and played shitty christian rock.

fitzgerald small
What?  Damn it, no, I'm not douchey fictitious Henry Rollins, I'm a football coach.

not impressed icon
...

fitzgerald small
A division I college football coach.

not impressed icon
...

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...

not impressed icon
Are you that drunk guy?

fitzgerald small
No goddamn it, I'm the coach of Northwestern.

not impressed icon
Isn't that like a middle school or something?

fitzgerald small
No, we're Chicago's Big Ten Team™!

not impressed icon
I thought that was Iowa.  We sell a lot of Iowa stuff.

fitzgerald small
RRRAARRRRGRGGGGGGGGHGHGHGHHGHHGHGHGHHHHHH

fitzgerald small
*pop*

fitzgerald small
/has erection

not impressed icon
Um, what's going on?

not impressed icon
What is that?

not impressed icon
OH MY GOD

not impressed icon
I'M TELLING MY MANAGER YOU PERV

fitzgerald small
No!  It's not what it looks like!

not impressed icon
/is not impressed

grumpy cat icon
I'm the manager, what the hell is going on here?

fitzgerald small
I was just trying to buy a sweatshirt for my nephew.

grumpy cat icon
Oh yeah?  You always get erections when you're shopping?

fitzgerald small
Not always....

grumpy cat icon
Get the fuck out of here.

fitzgerald small
I just want want to buy a Northwestern sweatshirt!

grumpy cat icon
We don't sell Northwestern shit.

fitzgerald small
What?  But we're Chicago's Big Ten Team™!

grumpy cat icon
LOL yeah right.  Do you have any idea how much Iowa gear we sell?

fitzgerald small
/has more erection

grumpy cat icon
A shit ton.  Iowa t-shirts, Iowa hats, Iowa hoodies....

fitzgerald small
/pants start to rip

grumpy cat icon
Iowa scarves, Iowa ear muffs, Iowa...

fitzgerald small
/zipper explodes

fitzgerald small
angerboner

grumpy cat icon
What. The. Fuck.

fitzgerald small
Damn it, not again.

angerboner icon
ARGRGGGHFUCKIOWAKILLHAWKEYEBROKENLEGFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKARRGGH

grumpy cat icon
I'm calling the cops.

angerboner icon
IKILLYOUIOWA

fitzgerald small
SHUT UP,YOU!

fitzgerald small
/shoves erection back into pants

angerboner icon
NOOOOOOO00000000oooooooo.........

fitzgerald small
/runs away into the night

3 days later

fitzgerald small
....and I shoved it back into my pants and just ran and ran until I was home.

shrink
Fascinating.

fitzgerald small
I couldn't stop crying....

shrink
Anything else?

fitzgerald small
That's all I can remember, doctor.

shrink
That's fucked up.

fitzgerald small
What?

shrink
Sorry.

fitzgerald small
You gotta help me, doc. There must be something you can do.

shrink
How long has this been going on?

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20 years, but it's gotten worse in the last 8 or so.

shrink
Jesus.  Ok, when was the last time it happened?

fitzgerald small
November 1st, 2014

shrink
Ok, that's very specific, how about before that?

fitzgerald small
October 26th, 2013

shrink
Ok, and what were you doing that day?

fitzgerald small
I.....don't......remember.

shrink
That was during the football season, right?  Who were you playing?

fitzgerald small
I.....I......don't know.

shrink
/googles

shrink
Says here you lost to Iowa.

fitzgerald small
RRRRGHGHGHUUGHHRHRHGHUG

shrink
What's wrong?

fitzgerald small
/almost has erection

fitzgerald small
I don't know, I started to feel a little tommy in my hilfigers.

shrink
Quick, think about what you had for breakfast this morning.

fitzgerald small
/thinks of Darnell Autry holding a bowl of oatmeal

shrink
How do you feel now?

fitzgerald small
Weird, I'm back to my normal shithole self.

shrink
I think I know what's wrong with you.

fitzgerald small
Please, doctor, tell me.

shrink
You have an angerboner for Iowa.

fitzgerald small
What does that even mean?

shrink
It means that you hate Iowa, but you love to hate Iowa so much that it's causing you to have an erection.  The medical term is angerboner.

fitzgerald small
What?  No.

shrink
It seems that a very specific bad memory connected to Iowa football is the root of your angerboner.

fitzgerald small
No, it can't be.

shrink
Then how would you explain choosing to wear 1995 throwback jerseys against Iowa this Saturday?

fitzgerald small
Total coincidence.  We would have worn those even if we were playing Purd.....

shrink
"I hope we didn't hurt any of your boys too bad."

fitzgerald small
*pop*

fitzgerald small
/has tiny angry erection

shrink
Just as I suspected.

jeans
grrrrrrrr lemmeouttaherefucker

fitzgerald small
Please stop.

shrink
Quick, think of something else.

fitzgerald small
darnell autry

shrink
Better?

fitzgerald small
darnell autry

shrink
Hello?

fitzgerald small
darnell autry

shrink
/snap snap

fitzgerald small
Sorry.

shrink
The good news is, I know how to treat your condition.

fitzgerald small
Like a topical cream or something?

shrink
Yeah, you fucking wish.

fitzgerald small
What then?

shrink
I need to hook you up to our advanced angerboner detection system while I attempt to trigger an angerboner.  Anytime an angerboner occurs, there will be negative reinforcement.

fitzgerald small
That seems legit.

shrink
The problem is that most patients I've treated have had very low-level angerboners, barely detectable by our machines.  For a boner as angry as yours, we're going to need more power.  Luckily we recently ordered a battery upgrade.

fitzgerald small
Oh, super.

shrink
It's out back, we just have to hook you up to it.

fitzgerald small
Out back?

shrink
Yeah, come have a look.

battery

fitzgerald small
Fuck me.

shrink
Indeed.

fitzgerald small
Can't you just give me some pills or something?

shrink
Probably.

shrink
Anyway, let's get started.

shrink
Have a seat.

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/sits on a parking cone

shrink
No, there's a chair right over...ah fuck it, you look comfortable.

fitzgerald small
/is comfortable

shrink
But seriously, get that cone out of your ass and come over here.

shrink
I've got some serious curing to do.

shrink
/gets out handcuffs and jumper cables

fitzgerald small
Whoa, is all of this necessary?

shrink
Just try to relax.

torture

shrink
Ok, now I'm going to say some phrases and show you some photos that I think may trigger your angerboner.  You must resist the urge to be angrily erect, or I will push this button and you will experience...a little pinch.

fitzgerald small
Ok....I mean, I'll try.

shrink
This is going to be sweet.

shrink
Ok, first one.

shrink
Iona.

fitzgerald small
GRRrr......Oh. Nevermind.

shrink
Good.

shrink
How about this:

shrink
hawekeye comic

fitzgerald small
/eye twitch

shrink
Well done.

shrink
How about this:

shrink
young fitz

fitzgerald small
/has regular boner

shrink
Um I wasn't expecting that, but that's ok.

shrink
Let's move on.

shrink
How about this:

shrink
Hayden Fox

fitzgerald small
/blank stare

shrink
Ok, you probably didn't understand that one.

shrink
But you're doing great so far.

shrink
What if I said....

shrink
Iowa broke your leg in 1995 so you couldn't play in the Rose Bowl.

fitzgerald small
RRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHGGHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

jeans
fuckingshitmotherfuckeri'mgoingtofuckyourface

jeans
*POP*

angerboner icon
ILLKILLYOUILLFUCKINGKILLALLOFYOUSHITBALLS

shrink
Uh oh

shrink
/pushes button

fitzgerald small
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

angerboner icon
AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

shrink
I warned you.

fitzgerald small
I can't stop it!

shrink
Just like your team couldn't stop Iowa from scoring 48 points on you last year?

fitzgerald small
OHHHHHH GOD NOOOOOOOOO

angerboner icon
MURDERKILLIOWAFUCKASSDIE

shrink
Awww

shrink
/pushes button