PAT FITZGERALD SEEKS TREATMENT FOR A RARE MEDICAL CONDITION

NOTE FROM THE EDITOR: This post is NSFW. Don't open it at work. Don't open it anywhere. In fact, delete your computer. Just do it.

You're still here?

Fine, but you've been warned.

/whistles like an asshole while walking around the mall

Wow, it sure is nice to get out and about.

/cat meow ringtone

Probably my chair guy.

/types with index finger

/doesn't get it

I'll just pick him up a sweet Northwestern sweatshirt.  That little shithead was wearing an Illini one last time he came over.  He's probably just confused.

/Walks into sporting goods store

Excuse me, miss.

Yeah?

Where are your college sweatshirts?

Right in front of you.

/looks really hard

This is all the teams you have?

Um yeah, there's like 50.

Don't you have any local teams?

Illinois.  Right there.

Other than Illinois.

Northern Illinois.  Right there.

Other than that.

Southern Illinois, Eastern Illinois, Illinois State, Western Illinois.  They're all right there.

This can't be all of them.

Dude, it's almost my break, what do you seriously even want?

Come on, don't you know who I am?

Are you like in a band or something?

No, I'm not in a...

Because you kind of look like what would have happened if Henry Rollins went to a douchey private school and played shitty christian rock.

What?  Damn it, no, I'm not douchey fictitious Henry Rollins, I'm a football coach.

...

A division I college football coach.

...

...

Are you that drunk guy?

No goddamn it, I'm the coach of Northwestern.

Isn't that like a middle school or something?

No, we're Chicago's Big Ten Team™!

I thought that was Iowa.  We sell a lot of Iowa stuff.

RRRAARRRRGRGGGGGGGGHGHGHGHHGHHGHGHGHHHHHH

*pop*

/has erection

Um, what's going on?

What is that?

OH MY GOD

I'M TELLING MY MANAGER YOU PERV

No!  It's not what it looks like!

/is not impressed

I'm the manager, what the hell is going on here?

I was just trying to buy a sweatshirt for my nephew.

Oh yeah?  You always get erections when you're shopping?

Not always....

Get the fuck out of here.

I just want want to buy a Northwestern sweatshirt!

We don't sell Northwestern shit.

What?  But we're Chicago's Big Ten Team™!

LOL yeah right.  Do you have any idea how much Iowa gear we sell?

/has more erection

A shit ton.  Iowa t-shirts, Iowa hats, Iowa hoodies....

/pants start to rip

Iowa scarves, Iowa ear muffs, Iowa...

/zipper explodes

What. The. Fuck.

Damn it, not again.

ARGRGGGHFUCKIOWAKILLHAWKEYEBROKENLEGFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKARRGGH

I'm calling the cops.

IKILLYOUIOWA

SHUT UP,YOU!

/shoves erection back into pants

NOOOOOOO00000000oooooooo.........

/runs away into the night

....and I shoved it back into my pants and just ran and ran until I was home.

Fascinating.

I couldn't stop crying....

Anything else?

That's all I can remember, doctor.

That's fucked up.

What?

Sorry.

You gotta help me, doc. There must be something you can do.

How long has this been going on?

20 years, but it's gotten worse in the last 8 or so.

Jesus.  Ok, when was the last time it happened?

November 1st, 2014

Ok, that's very specific, how about before that?

October 26th, 2013

Ok, and what were you doing that day?

I.....don't......remember.

That was during the football season, right?  Who were you playing?

I.....I......don't know.

/googles

Says here you lost to Iowa.

RRRRGHGHGHUUGHHRHRHGHUG

What's wrong?

/almost has erection

I don't know, I started to feel a little tommy in my hilfigers.

Quick, think about what you had for breakfast this morning.

/thinks of Darnell Autry holding a bowl of oatmeal

How do you feel now?

Weird, I'm back to my normal shithole self.

I think I know what's wrong with you.

Please, doctor, tell me.

You have an angerboner for Iowa.

What does that even mean?

It means that you hate Iowa, but you love to hate Iowa so much that it's causing you to have an erection.  The medical term is angerboner.

What?  No.

It seems that a very specific bad memory connected to Iowa football is the root of your angerboner.

No, it can't be.

Then how would you explain choosing to wear 1995 throwback jerseys against Iowa this Saturday?

Total coincidence.  We would have worn those even if we were playing Purd.....

"I hope we didn't hurt any of your boys too bad."

*pop*

/has tiny angry erection

Just as I suspected.

grrrrrrrr lemmeouttaherefucker

Please stop.

Quick, think of something else.

Better?

Hello?

/snap snap

Sorry.

The good news is, I know how to treat your condition.

Like a topical cream or something?

Yeah, you fucking wish.

What then?

I need to hook you up to our advanced angerboner detection system while I attempt to trigger an angerboner.  Anytime an angerboner occurs, there will be negative reinforcement.

That seems legit.

The problem is that most patients I've treated have had very low-level angerboners, barely detectable by our machines.  For a boner as angry as yours, we're going to need more power.  Luckily we recently ordered a battery upgrade.

Oh, super.

It's out back, we just have to hook you up to it.

Out back?

Yeah, come have a look.

Fuck me.

Indeed.

Can't you just give me some pills or something?

Probably.

Anyway, let's get started.

Have a seat.

/sits on a parking cone

No, there's a chair right over...ah fuck it, you look comfortable.

/is comfortable

But seriously, get that cone out of your ass and come over here.

I've got some serious curing to do.

/gets out handcuffs and jumper cables

Whoa, is all of this necessary?

Just try to relax.

Ok, now I'm going to say some phrases and show you some photos that I think may trigger your angerboner.  You must resist the urge to be angrily erect, or I will push this button and you will experience...a little pinch.

Ok....I mean, I'll try.

This is going to be sweet.

Ok, first one.

Iona.

GRRrr......Oh. Nevermind.

Good.

How about this:

/eye twitch

Well done.

How about this:

/has regular boner

Um I wasn't expecting that, but that's ok.

Let's move on.

How about this:

/blank stare

Ok, you probably didn't understand that one.

But you're doing great so far.

What if I said....

Iowa broke your leg in 1995 so you couldn't play in the Rose Bowl.

RRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHGGHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuckingshitmotherfuckeri'mgoingtofuckyourface

*POP*

ILLKILLYOUILLFUCKINGKILLALLOFYOUSHITBALLS

Uh oh

/pushes button

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!

I warned you.

I can't stop it!

Just like your team couldn't stop Iowa from scoring 48 points on you last year?

OHHHHHH GOD NOOOOOOOOO

MURDERKILLIOWAFUCKASSDIE