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THE SHOCKING TRUTH OF AARON WHITE'S STINGER

What's going on with Aaron White's "stinger"? The answer may give you a jolt.

IOWA CITY, IA -- The availability of Aaron White for Iowa's upcoming basketball game with Wisconsin has been shrouded in mystery all week after he sustained an injury referred to as "a stinger" against Purdue last Saturday. While the stinger was originally thought to be a nerve inflammation, a new photo snapped by an observer in Iowa City revealed the stunning truth of the stinger.

Aaron White stinger arm

Iowa officials declined to comment on what caused the bizarre mutation. However, a source within the Iowa athletic department that spoke to BHGP on the condition of anonymity -- let's call that source "Mary Golfin" -- indicated that he believed it was the result of exposure to a bio-weapon being developed by Purdue University scientists.  "Everyone knows Purdue won't be satisfied until they've destroyed the University of Iowa.  There's just so much hate in this rivalry.  Turning Iowa's best player into a freakish monster seems like the sort of thing those mad scientist wannabes would come up with.  If you ask me, they should get back to faking moon landings and stop trying to create half-man, half-insect "

Purdue officials, including Dr. Brundle, the head of Purdue's Bio-Engineering department, also declined to comment.

Iowa head coach Fran McCaffery expressed considerable reluctance about playing White on Saturday.  "I just have questions about this whole thing.  A lot of questions.  I mean, here I am, I've been coaching basketball for a lot of years -- many, many years -- and I've never seen something like this.  It's remarkable.  I'm just at a loss.  I mean, can he even catch a basketball with that spike?  I don't know.  And what if he does catch it and his spike ruptures the basketball?  Can we get penalized for delay of game?  What if we run out of basketballs?

"Or what about defense?  How well can he defend with that stinger?  What if he hits a Wisconsin player with it?  Is that a foul?  Is it a flagrant foul if the stinger gets stuck in Kaminsky's shoulder?  And, jeez, if it gets stuck, what happens when we pull it out?  Could he die?  Bees die when they sting someone.  I'm pretty sure that's what my Biology textbook said anyway.  There's just so many questions about this situation.  I think it might be best for Aaron, his teammates, and the Wisconsin players if he sat this one out, at least until we can investigate the matter more thoroughly."

Mike Gesell, White's teammate, said he and the rest of the Iowa basketball team were supportive of White, but also wary of playing with him in his current condition.  "Everyone loves Whitey and it would be a huge loss if he wasn't able to be on the court with us, but this is a pretty strange deal, too.  And not just the stinger, either.  He's been making this weird buzzing noise all week.  It's kind of distracting, really."

Aaron White could not be reached for comment, although his voice mail indicated that callers should leave a name, number, and brief message and that he would "buzz them back" as soon as he was able.  BHGP wishes White a speedy recovery.

Big H/T to Horace for his assistance with the image.