As an Iowa team meeting closed Monday...
...In closing, that's football.
OK, get to class. We're done with team meetings until spring practice. Enjoy your time with Coach Doyle.
Akrum, a quick word in my office please?
OOOH SOMEONE'S IN TROUBLLLLLLLLE
/closes door behind Akrum Wadley
Coach, before you start, let me say that I know I screwed up. I never should have done what I did, and it just got completely out of hand.
I'm glad to hear you say that, Akrum. I was extremely disappointed when I heard the news about your party.
Yeah, we were just going to have some people over, and word got out and before we knew it the house was nuts. We had like 200 people --
Did you think the party was missing something?
Naw, Coach. It was off the hook. We had plenty of ladies and --
Really? You don't think the party was missing a certain person? A person who controls your playing time?
Nah. We asked BF if he wanted to come, but he was busy.
NOT BRIAN, YOU DUMMY! ME! ME! HOW DID YOU NOT INVITE ME?
Uh...you wanted to come to our party?
Yeah! I'm cool! I could bring some spinach artichoke dip and my collection of Emerson Lake & Palmer records!
You know a party isn't a party until you've jammed to 'Lucky Man'!
Well...uh...I guess we could invite you to our next party.
Just friend me on Facebook and we'll add you to the invite list.
Yeah, Coach. We do all our invites on Facebook. We invited the entire Class of 2017 off Facebook for the last party.
You need a Facebook account if you're going to go to our parties.
But the place where 'Facebook' is supposed to reside in my brain is filled with crippling fear of technology and modern punting theory. I don't know if I can do Facebook.
Well, if you change your mind, you know who to Like.
Have a good winter, Akrum.
You too, Coach.
/sits at desk
/turns on computer
/clicks America Online icon
YOU'VE GOT MAIL
Looks like the nephew of the deposed king of Nigeria's having trouble again...
I can delete these six advertisements for slacks...
And...what is this?
"Ricky Stanzi has invited you to join Facebook"?
Ricky's on Facebook?
Maybe I should try this out after all...
Two hours later
BRIAN! Come in here!
Look at this! Gordy Bohannon is on here!
Uh, Dad, why are you Facebooking?
Gordy Bohannon, Brian! The greatest rags-to-riches story this side of Dallas Clark!
Ooh ooh ooh I wonder if Dallas Clark is on here.
I'll bet he is. I'll bet he created Facebook.
I'm so excited!
I never knew technology could connect me with my past. It's all I care about and it's all RIGHT HERE!
Remind me: How do you spell Zeron Flemister?
Two weeks later
So here, you can see that we put four tight ends on the right side of the line, then run an outside zone left.
And on this slide, we spread five receivers, then send one in motion to take the handoff and run an outside zone left.
And here we have a shield punt formation
KIRK! Would you please put down your phone and --
Adrian Clayborn just posted a video of his dog shaking hands with a cheerleader.
Here, guys. Watch this.
Kirk, with all due respect, we really can't deal with the distraction right now. We're trying to rebuild the off--
OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD A 'WHICH HAYDEN FRY-ERA IOWA QUARTERBACK ARE YOU' QUIZ ON BUZZFEED
EVERYONE NEEDS TO TAKE THIS RIGHT NOW
I'LL BET I'M MATT SHERMAN
Opening day, spring practice 2015
I'd like to thank you all for coming. I thought it was time we talked, about what I have no idea.
Uh, Kirk? What is on your face?
These are Google Glasses. Pretty cool, huh?
When did you decide to get Google Glasses?
Oh, right about the time Parker and Wadley threw that party earlier this year. Thought it was finally time I got into this social media thing.
Just a second, I got a Facebook alert.
IOWA RUNNING BACKS CITED FOR SECOND PARTY VIOLATION
I was wondering what your thoughts were on the second party citation against Wadley and Parker.
They had another party without me?
But I thought I we were cool.
"When asked for comment, Wadley said 'We were going to invite Coach Ferentz, but he's been wearing Google Glass lately and we didn't want a bunch of dorks at our party.'"
Oh. Em. Gee.
/wipes away tear
Well, they're both dismissed from the program for a violation of team ru--
Wait, I have a call coming in
Is your refrigerator running?
I beg your pardon?
Is your refrigerator running?
Yes, I'm pretty sure it is.
Well, you shouldn't have any trouble catching it off-tackle left!
Go to hell, Mike Riley!
/shatters Google Glass on floor
I HATE TECHNOLOGY!
I HATE SOCIAL MEDIA!
AND I HATE EVERYONE!
/storms out of press conference
Ah, it's good to be back.