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KIRK FERENTZ: UNINVITED

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He just wants to go to your party, and he'll get as cool as he needs to be.

Reese Strickland-USA TODAY Sports

As an Iowa team meeting closed Monday...

Icon Ferentz
...In closing, that's football.

Icon Ferentz
OK, get to class. We're done with team meetings until spring practice. Enjoy your time with Coach Doyle.

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Akrum, a quick word in my office please?

Wadley Icon
/head hangs

brian icon
OOOH SOMEONE'S IN TROUBLLLLLLLLE

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/closes door behind Akrum Wadley

Wadley Icon
Coach, before you start, let me say that I know I screwed up. I never should have done what I did, and it just got completely out of hand.

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I'm glad to hear you say that, Akrum. I was extremely disappointed when I heard the news about your party.

Wadley Icon
Yeah, we were just going to have some people over, and word got out and before we knew it the house was nuts.  We had like 200 people --

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Did you think the party was missing something?

Wadley Icon
Naw, Coach. It was off the hook. We had plenty of ladies and --

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Really? You don't think the party was missing a certain person?  A person who controls your playing time?

Wadley Icon
Nah. We asked BF if he wanted to come, but he was busy.

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NOT BRIAN, YOU DUMMY! ME! ME! HOW DID YOU NOT INVITE ME?

Wadley Icon
Uh...you wanted to come to our party?

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Yeah! I'm cool! I could bring some spinach artichoke dip and my collection of Emerson Lake & Palmer records!

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You know a party isn't a party until you've jammed to 'Lucky Man'!

Wadley Icon
Well...uh...I guess we could invite you to our next party.

Wadley Icon
Just friend me on Facebook and we'll add you to the invite list.

Icon Ferentz
Facebook?

Wadley Icon
Yeah, Coach. We do all our invites on Facebook. We invited the entire Class of 2017 off Facebook for the last party.

Wadley Icon
You need a Facebook account if you're going to go to our parties.

Icon Ferentz
But the place where 'Facebook' is supposed to reside in my brain is filled with crippling fear of technology and modern punting theory. I don't know if I can do Facebook.

Wadley Icon
Well, if you change your mind, you know who to Like.

Icon Ferentz
Have a good winter, Akrum.

Wadley Icon
You too, Coach.

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/sits at desk

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/turns on computer

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/clicks America Online icon

Apple Icon
YOU'VE GOT MAIL

Icon Ferentz
Looks like the nephew of the deposed king of Nigeria's having trouble again...

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I can delete these six advertisements for slacks...

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And...what is this?

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"Ricky Stanzi has invited you to join Facebook"?

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Ricky's on Facebook?

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Maybe I should try this out after all...

Two hours later

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BRIAN! Come in here!

brian icon
Yeah, Dad.

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Look at this! Gordy Bohannon is on here!

brian icon
Uh, Dad, why are you Facebooking?

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Gordy Bohannon, Brian! The greatest rags-to-riches story this side of Dallas Clark!

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Ooh ooh ooh I wonder if Dallas Clark is on here.

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I'll bet he is. I'll bet he created Facebook.

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I'm so excited!

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I never knew technology could connect me with my past. It's all I care about and it's all RIGHT HERE!

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Remind me: How do you spell Zeron Flemister?

Two weeks later

Greg Davis Icon
So here, you can see that we put four tight ends on the right side of the line, then run an outside zone left.

Icon Ferentz
uh huh

Greg Davis Icon
And on this slide, we spread five receivers, then send one in motion to take the handoff and run an outside zone left.

Icon Ferentz
uh huh

Greg Davis Icon
And here we have a shield punt formation

Icon Ferentz
uh huh

Greg Davis Icon
KIRK! Would you please put down your phone and --

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HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA

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Adrian Clayborn just posted a video of his dog shaking hands with a cheerleader.

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Here, guys. Watch this.

Greg Davis Icon
Kirk, with all due respect, we really can't deal with the distraction right now. We're trying to rebuild the off--

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OHMYGOD OHMYGOD OHMYGOD A 'WHICH HAYDEN FRY-ERA IOWA QUARTERBACK ARE YOU' QUIZ ON BUZZFEED

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EVERYONE NEEDS TO TAKE THIS RIGHT NOW

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I'LL BET I'M MATT SHERMAN

Opening day, spring practice 2015

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
I'd like to thank you all for coming.  I thought it was time we talked, about what I have no idea.

Marc Morehouse icon
Uh, Kirk? What is on your face?

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
These are Google Glasses. Pretty cool, huh?

Ferentz Google Glasses

Marc Morehouse icon
When did you decide to get Google Glasses?

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
Oh, right about the time Parker and Wadley threw that party earlier this year.  Thought it was finally time I got into this social media thing.

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
Just a second, I got a Facebook alert.

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
/touches temple

Facebook Icon
IOWA RUNNING BACKS CITED FOR SECOND PARTY VIOLATION

Marc Morehouse icon
I was wondering what your thoughts were on the second party citation against Wadley and Parker.

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
They...

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
They had another party without me?

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
But I thought I we were cool.

Facebook Icon
"When asked for comment, Wadley said 'We were going to invite Coach Ferentz, but he's been wearing Google Glass lately and we didn't want a bunch of dorks at our party.'"

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
Oh. Em. Gee.

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
/wipes away tear

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
/clears throat

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
Well, they're both dismissed from the program for a violation of team ru--

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
Wait, I have a call coming in

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
/touches temple

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
Hello?

Silhouette Icon
Is your refrigerator running?

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
I beg your pardon?

Silhouette Icon
Is your refrigerator running?

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
Yes, I'm pretty sure it is.

Mike Riley Icon
Well, you shouldn't have any trouble catching it off-tackle left!

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
Go to hell, Mike Riley!

Ferentz Google Glasses Icon
/shatters Google Glass on floor

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I HATE TECHNOLOGY!

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I HATE SOCIAL MEDIA!

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AND I HATE EVERYONE!

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/storms out of press conference

Marc Morehouse icon
Ah, it's good to be back.