Look, Grandma, there were a lot of factors that went into the burning of the turkey. We didn't burn the turkey with one bad decision. We burnt the turkey one minute at a time. Those first two hours did just as much to heat and dry the turkey as the last two and a half.
Wringling Brothers Barnum & Bailey Circus, Paris, 1972
[performs complicated aerial maneuver]
[The Great Zefferelli falls to his death]
And here I go...
The Gong Show, 1978
[Kirk Ferentz is backstage with his friend Mike Shanahan's 1950s tribute band, Shanahan-na-na. The group huddles up to discuss their planned performance.]
Oh. Sure. I sing that in the shower all the time. [Singing] "Doo-DOO-doo-DOO-doo."
Yup. No problem.
[the group rushes to the stage]
[Mike and his bandmates stare at Kirk, wait several seconds, shrug and begin to tentatively start the song]
[The group is gonged off the stage]
[MS goes for KF's throat]
Jeopardy! Set, 1988
Let's make it a true Daily Double, Alex: $8,550.
I mean, Who is Paul Brown.
I mean: What is Paul Brown.
Oops, there's the buzzer. But I still control the board, right?
I'll take Potpourri for $2000.
What is: that smelly crap they put in the bathroom?
Strategic Missile Command, 2022
This is what you get for fooling around with your modem and phreaking and whatnot.
Who could have known I'd trick the US missile defense computer into thinking the country had been attacked by the Soviets and thus bring us to the brink of all-out global thermonuclear war?
Well, now the computer has engaged its security countermeasures and sealed the controls off from any outside interference. We're doomed!
Thank God you can hear me. We're in a very serious situation. If you don't prevent that computer from launching its counterstrikes, we and all the rest of humanity will be annihilated in the next few minutes.
Right. Got it. [types: "Want to play a game"] Okay, now the computer's asking me "What game"?
Yup. [long pause ensues]
Got it. No hyphens.
No...I get it. But trust me. I've played a lot of tic-tac-toe in my day, and this always works. You wait until the other person is just about to walk out in frustration, then you play "X" in the middle square. It's called "Icing the Ticker".
Just watch. This will work beautifully.
And ... n-
The post-apocalyptic hellscape that is Earth, 2023
It's been rough, Kyle, but us few hardy stragglers have scraped together an existence among these radioactive wastes, despite the constant threats of radiation poisoning, nuclear winter, and giant mutant timberwolves .
Yes. Now things are looking good for us Shanahans. Our tough outer hides have proven a natural advantage, protecting us from the deadly gamma rays. Plus our caravan defense strategy has proven very adaptable. You can plug practically any mutant vagabond into the scheme and still achieve decent results.
Yes. What you say is true, Kyle Shanahan. Now, let us examine this facility. Word comes to me that this is the place whence the Great Bombs were launched. Men say that there are vast stores of rations here, protected by yards of concrete hundreds of feet under the ground.
[The army of Shanahans digs through the mountain of rubble until they find a door blocked by a giant boulder. A 20 foot-tall, 3000 pound Mike Anderson lifts the rubble out of the way.]
[opening door] I see a man inside! He is buried under the rubble, but he appears to be breathing! [brushes rubble off figure] Sir! Sir! You were protected here when the Great Bombs destroyed our world! Perhaps you are the Pure One the legends speak of, who will restore our - oh, dammit - it's Kirk Ferentz.
Huh... oh, hey Mike. I was just sitting here, getting ready to ice the ticker and save the world from global thermonuclear war, when I heard a big explosion and everything went black.
OH MY GOD!
NO — MY GRANDMA'S TURKEY! IT NEEDS TO BE OUT BY 4:00 O'CLOCK! WHAT TIME IS IT?
[Mike Shanahan chases Kirk Ferentz, Elmer-Fudd-style, across the windswept landscape]