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JAMIE POLLARD GETS A PHONE CALL

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An old friend says hello... but will another?

Old_phone_medium RING RING RING RING

Iconpollard_medium It's a great day to be a Cyclone!

Jacobs_medium Mr. Pollard! Hello, I am definitely Jay Jacobs, Auburn athletic director.

Iconpollard_medium I don't want to talk to you, Jay.

Jacobs_medium C'monnnnnn! Buddy! Compatriot! Colleague!

Iconpollard_medium NO.

Jacobs_medium I haven't even told you why I'm calling!

Iconpollard_medium You listen here, Jay Jacobs. I was once a proud man until you broke me. I had a good thing with Gene Chizik until you took him from me.

Iconpollard_medium I was once... consolable.

Jacobs_medium Jamie, for that I owe you the deepest apology. I'm sorry. I had to do what I thought was right for Auburn football, and we got a national championship out of it. Surely you must recognize that.

Iconpollard_medium That was supposed to be MY national championship!

Jacobs_medium I mean, Jamie, that's debatable...

Iconpollard_medium IT WAS MINE!

Jacobs_medium Okay. Yes. It was yours. And that's what I wanted to talk to you about. Our football coaches.

Iconpollard_medium Excuse me?

Jacobs_medium Well, I've always felt bad about taking Gene away from you and leaving you with Paul Rhoads.

Iconpollard_medium (looks out window)

Paulrhoads_medium (gnaws on femur bone of unspecified large mammal)

Iconpollard_medium Go on.

Jacobs_medium Well, as you know, Gus Malzahn is our coach right now. Big time coach doing big things.

Iconpollard_medium I know that.

Jacobs_medium The "Spread Eagle," we call him.

Iconpollard_medium Oh, like "War Eagle," that's a good nickname!

Jacobs_medium It sure is, Jamie! Anyway, Gus led us to a BCS Championship bid last year, but he came up just short. And I gotta tell you, my boosters aren't happy about that.

Iconpollard_medium That's not my problem.

Jacobs_medium Well, the thinking is that we need an Iowa State man at the helm to get the job done. An Ames man.

Iconpollard_medium (looks back out window)

Paulrhoads_medium (wields femur) YEEEEAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!! (chases cow off practice field)

Iconpollard_medium ...you want Rhoads?

Jacobs_medium We do.

Iconpollard_medium But why now? Why not at the end of last season?

Jacobs_medium Well, I gotta tell you, we weren't terribly enthused by the two-game winning streak y'all put together at the end of last season. We wanted to get our guy while he's mired in a losing streak. Call it superstition.

Iconpollard_medium We're 0-2!

Jacobs_medium You sure are, Jamie. You sure are. So the really good news is you can go ahead and get Gene back if you wanted. I texted him the other day and he *personally* told me that returning to Ames is, I quote, "not the worst idea I've heard."

Iconpollard_medium He... he said that?

Jacobs_medium He sure did.

Iconpollard_medium ...no. Be strong, Jamie. BE STRONG. HE. LEFT. US.

Jacobs_medium Jamie--

Iconpollard_medium DO IT FOR THE CONSOLABILITY, JAMIE.

Jacobs_medium You're—you're saying all of this out loud, just FYI--

Iconpollard_medium No.

Jacobs_medium No, what?

Iconpollard_medium If you want Paul Rhoads, by god, you're going to give me Gus Malzahn.

Jacobs_medium Why, Jamie, that's absurd! That is a king's ransom!

Iconpollard_medium I am putting my foot down, Jay Jacobs. You can't scam me, Jamie Pollard. I want Gus Malzahn or it's no deal.

Jacobs_medium Well... well. I tell ya. I like the way you do business. You've grown into a leader. And since I respect you like that I say we get this done.

Iconpollard_medium You—you mean it?

Jacobs_medium I sure do.

Iconpollard_medium All right! Hang on a second.

Iconpollard_medium (opens window) HEY PAUL, YOU'RE FIRED! GET OUT OF HERE AND GO TO AUBURN!

Paulrhoads_medium (looks up from digging hole with bare hands for no reason) (cocks head)

Iconpollard_medium (closes window) Okay, where were we?

Jacobs_medium Yes, our agreement. Now ordinarily I'd say we shake on it, but we're on the phone and all.

Iconpollard_medium And we can't shake hands over the telephone! Ha ha ha ha ha!

Jacobs_medium Um... no, we can't. That's the point I was trying to make. So while my secretary draws up official papers that we'll fax over tomorrow, what we'll do for now is a verbal gentleman's agreement. We'll each declare what we get in this exchange.

Iconpollard_medium You got it.

Jacobs_medium Paul Rhoads for me...

Iconpollard_medium ...Gus Malzahn for me.

Jacobs_medium Let's do it again. Make it a little fun. We're fun guys. The Rhodes Scholar for me...

Iconpollard_medium ...Spread Eagle for me.

Jacobs_medium Louder.

Iconpollard_medium SPREAD EAGLE FOR ME.

Jacobs_medium Louder, Jamie, yeeee-haw!

Iconronald_medium (opens door) Sir, the tour group of local nuns and easily impressionable orphans is here--

Iconpollard_medium SPREAD EAGLE FOR ME!!!!!

Iconwhoopi_medium Whoopi_medium

Iconwhoopi_medium CHILDREN, LET US LEAVE THIS DISTURBED HOUSE OF SIN AT ONCE.

Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sixth_grader_icon_medium Sixth_grader_icon_medium (all crying uncontrollably)

Jacobs_medium Mister Pollard! I refuse to do official business with a, a, a brazen pervert! And I will be forwarding this audio on to Gene Chizik at once, and he will definitely never call you back or even think about you again! GOOD DAY SIR!

Old_phone_medium click

Iconpollard_medium Sadpollard_medium

Meanwhile, in Iowa City...

Iconferentz_medium Oh man. How did you know he was going to fire Rhoads? That wasn't part of the deal. We were just trying to get him to say something gross in front of the orphans.

Iconbarta_medium That's the great thing about Jamie; you get him going, then just stand back and let the show unfold.

Iconferentz_medium You think Paul's really fired?

Iconbarta_medium I don't think Paul understands English, so no. Another beer?

Iconferentz_medium I dunno, what if my team's not ready to beat Iowa State?

Iconbarta_medium Iconbarta90_medium

Iconferentz_medium All right, all right. Let's call Tim Beckman and tell him he's a hamster.

Iconbarta_medium God, that's not even fair. Let's at least make sure he gets some wood chips for his office.