So at HerkysLockerRoom.com, which is the official team store of the Iowa Hawkeyes (this status is reflected in the store's tagline: "The Official Team Store of the Iowa Hawkeyes"), they have shirts for you to buy. Makes sense. Some of the shirts are straightforward, some are shiny, there's some Hello Kitty if you're into that. Full spread, really. The works.
Then... then there's this shirt.
YEAH MAYBE I AM EMBEDDING A BHGP TWEET ON THE BHGP WEBSITE WANNA FIGHT ABOUT IT
This is... nope. There is so much nope about this. It is radioactive nope. It is Cher-nope-yl. Here are all the nopes as to why you should not buy this shirt.
1. It's Northern Illinois. I don't care if NIU won out through the rest of the regular season and went to an Orange Bowl (where FSU hamblasted the Huskies, obviously). It's NIU: a team Iowa scheduled because it wouldn't owe it a road game.
2. That was a horrendous game. The teams combined for 35 first downs and 469 yards of total offense; by way of comparison, Baylor rolled up 471 yards by itself against Iowa State last year... in the first half. Iowa trailed for almost three consecutive quarters' worth of game time, from 14:55 of the second quarter to 2:15 before the final gun. James Vandenberg racked up 104 yards of offense in 45 plays (33 passes for 129 yards, 12 rushes for -25 yards). We don't want to remember this game, we want it burned.
3. That whole season was horrible. Iowa went 4-8. AIRBHG hit everyone in the face with a spiked mallet. Brandon Scherff's leg exploded. Bill O'Brien and Penn State took a flamethrower to Kinnick for three hours on what was otherwise a lovely October night. The rivalry trophy closet got cleaned out. WHO EVEN GAVE AIRBHG A MALLET. WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA. The point is, we don't commemorate anything in awful seasons. "Yeah we went 4-8 but that one win in September was great!" lives that-a-way. (points 125 miles WNW of Iowa City)
4. This sentence: "Wear this terrific Iowa Hawkeyes tee with pride and commemorate the thrilling win over your favorite team's traditional rival." NO. NO. NO. IOWA AND A MAC TEAM ARE NOT "TRADITIONAL RIVALS." TAKE THAT SENTENCE OFF THE OFFICIAL TEAM STORE IMMEDIATELY. THIS IS HOW RUMORS GET STARTED.
5. What is with that stupid T in "VICTORY"? Hell no. The R and Y aren't much better either. We are grownups and we write our letters the way they're supposed to be written.
6. It's 100% cotton. How am I supposed to get anything done in a straight cotton shirt? It doesn't hug my mancurves. It doesn't wick away a goddamn thing. DRI-FIT FOR LIFE.
Back to #4. WE ARE NOT RIVALS WITH NORTHERN ILLINOIS. IOWA STATE IS THE SCHOOL THAT BELONGS IN THE MAC, NOT IOWA. GOD DAMN IT.
Let's be clear: if you buy this shirt and approach us, we will autograph it for you, if by "autograph" we mean "write the word TURDCANNON in very large letters wherever we please on." You will have no reason to complain or find this unfair.
Whoever made and whoever approved this shirt belongs in Guantanamo. Scar tossed Mufasa off the ledge for less. I'm so upset right now.