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THE REAL REASON BRANDON SCHERFF DIDN'T COMPETE IN THE HAY BALE TOSS

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Why wasn't Iowa's preeminent strongman in the summer's most significant competition showcasing feats of strength?

Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

The premier event of the Iowa summer -- sorry, RAGBRAI -- took place last weekend.  I speak, of course, of Solon Beef Days, that magical event when man gathers with his fellow man to, uh, eat beef.  And partake in carnival games.  And, of course, compete for the most hallowed office in Iowa: Hay Bale Toss champion.  Drew Ott claimed top honors in hay bale tossing this year, dethroning defending champion Matt Kroul in the process.  That was all well and good, mainly because Ott is the hillbilly hero we need (and possibly the one we deserve, as well).

But one question lingered in our brainmeats.  One question nagged at us and refused to let us be.  Where oh where was Brandon Scherff, Iowa's real-life strongman?  Why wasn't he showing off his incredible strength in this most essential of sporting competitions?

So BHGP Investigators, Inc. did a little digging.  And when we found footage of him training this summer, it all made sense.

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(H/T to IAinCA for the original inspiration and hawk6894 for knocking it out of the park on the modified version.)

Good lord.  If Scherff can do that to a bear*, imagine what we could do to a hay bale?  The mind reels.

* That is definitely not a man in a not-particularly-convincing bear suit.  Nope.  Not at all.  No sirree.

Further digging revealed that we weren't the only ones whose minds were boggled by the possibility of Scherff hurling hay bales through the sky -- and some of those minds weren't just boggled but downright concerned.  Imagine what those hay bales could do if they hit a bird, said the Iowa Audobon Society.  Ponder the implications of a hay bale hurling through the air and into traffic, said the Iowa Department of Transportation.

Even NASA was concerned about the possibility of Scherff launching objects into the sky.  "Look, we keep a close watch on all objects in near-Earth orbit," said Maj. Gen. Charles Frank Bolden, Jr., NASA Administrator.  "We can't have some yokel in Iowa throwing stuff into space** and screwing with our satellites.  Satellites aren't cheap, you know."

** Hay bales would definitely not burn up in the atmosphere.  Nope.  Not at all.  No sirree.

So there you have it.  Brandon Scherff didn't compete in the Hay Bale Toss at Solon Beef Toss because NASA put the kibosh on the idea.  Case closed.  In the meantime, we'll just have to be satisfied with Scherff tossing puny defenders into the turf this fall.

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Let the bodies hit the floor.