Big news from the college football recruiting world, where caring about recruiting is creepy, but caring about cats is a winning strategy. Let us explain.
Rice co-offensive coordinator Billy Lynch was closing in on a commitment from Houston, TX QB prospect JT Granato, so—I promise the rest of this sentence is entirely true—he wrote a letter to the young man's cat, asking the cat to ask the human to attend Rice to play football.
According to John Granato, the father of Kinkaid quarterback J.T. Granato, the Owls sent a recruiting letter this week addressed to Kitty Granato (real name White Sox) … J.T.’s cat.
"As you know we’re trying to convince J.T. Rice is the place for him. I know you’d like to keep him close so he can feed you and change the litter box. Please help us to get him to choose us. Paw me if you have any questions."
Well, if there's anyone at the cutting edge of the recruiting game, it's Kirk Ferentz. That's why his friends call him "Whiskers." And wouldn't you know it, hot on the heels of this news, Ferentz has begun sending recruits' cats letters as well.
In fact, we at BHGP have obtained one of these letters from a recruit, Rico Fakeprospect. He's a 3-star. Don't ask us how we got this. Please just read and enjoy.
From the Desk of Kirk Ferentz
Head Varsity Football Coach
University of Iowa
May 13, 2014
Dear Captain Bonkers,
I understand your owner Rico Fakeprospect is considering the University of Iowa. We would like Rico to play safety very much.
We do not guarantee starting spots or anything to any prospects. That is not the Hawkeye way. So please do not tell Rico he will be a future star for the Hawkeyes. We did not say that and we ask you not to say it to Rico either. Everyone has the opportunity to compete for playing time, regardless of your age or measurements. If you work hard, you can play. Please tell Rico that.
In fact, we would even let you walk on to the team, Captain Bonkers. We have never had a cat on the team and at this point we cannot offer you a scholarship because we have not seen you play football. We have a scouting process at the University of Iowa and tape is a big part of that process. We hope you understand and we hope that does not deter you from "purr-suing" your football dreams with our program. That pun was my idea. I know how to talk to cats. I'm hip.
I will tell you right now that we will not implement the "wildcat" formation if you join our program, Captain Bonkers. That is a fad formation and it is not real football. We don't cater to jokes and jokesters on the field. That is where football is serious.
Did you know Bob Sanders is half-cat? He's not. Other coaches would lie to you and say their best players are, to trick you, a cat, into going there. We don't lie to prospects, feline or human, at the University of Iowa.
Have you ever chased off a dog like in that "viral" "video"? We coaches strongly believe you could. In talking with Rico, he never mentioned chasing dogs away. There are no dogs on a football field but there are human players with dog mascots. None of them are in the Big Ten and we do not expect to add any in the near future. But expansion is an ongoing process and we will have further comment only if and when it is appropriate. We do have rodent mascots, but again, it's all people on the football field. Unless you, Captain Bonkers the cat, earn playing time. We think you project well as a wide receiver, long snapper, or offensive guard. Everybody plays guard.
The bottom line is this, Captain Bonkers. Just because Rico has a scholarship offer from the University of Iowa does not mean he is a better football player than you. Tell your human owner that he might be worse at football than his own cat. And we will see you both at Kinnick Stadium this fall. Go Hawks!
P.S. Meow meow meow meow meow meow. Heh, sorry. Just a little cat humor.