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With Eric Johnson gone, Kirk Ferentz goes in search of his new recruiting guru.

Yesterday, at the Iowa football offices...

Iconferentz_medium Well, thanks for stopping in. We'll be in touch.

Iconferentz_medium /shakes hands with prospective coach

Iconferentz_medium /shows him out the door

Iconferentz_medium /sighs

Gerg_icon_medium Well, what did you think?

Iconferentz_medium No way. He didn't have anything I was looking for.

Gerg_icon_medium Well, we have plenty of other interviews today.  Just keep an open mind.


Gerg_icon_medium OK, this next guy has head coaching experience. He's recruited this area with great success in the past, and he ostensibly knows something about coaching. Frankly, he'd be an excellent choice.

Zookicon_medium 'sup Kirk

Iconferentz_medium No.

Zookicon_medium fine brosephine, theres no waterskiing here anyway

Gerg_icon_medium SECRETARY! NEXT!

The interviews continue...

Iconferentz_medium No.


Iconferentz_medium No.


Iconferentz_medium Absolutely not.


Iconferentz_medium /plays failhorn keychain


Iconferentz_medium I'd rather hire Dantonio.


Iconferentz_medium /sleeps through interview

Hours later...

Gerg_icon_medium OK, this next candidate manages a Williams Sonoma. He's never coached before and lists "the Bulls" as his favorite football team.

Gerg_icon_medium Frankly, we would never interview him if it weren't for his name.

Gerg_icon_medium SECRETARY! SEND HIM IN!

Barry_ferentz_medium Hi, I'm Barry Ferentz.

Iconferentz_medium Wait...did you say Ferentz?

Barry_ferentz_medium Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're cousins.

Iconferentz_medium Who are your parents?

Barry_ferentz_medium My mom is Beatrice Ferentz

Iconferentz_medium REALLY? Well, that explains the red hair.

Iconferentz_medium LOL

Barry_ferentz_medium LOL

Iconferentz_medium How is ol' Bertie doing?

Barry_ferentz_medium She's fine. She sends her best.

Iconferentz_medium /scribbles on his notepad


Gerg_icon_medium Well, let's get to the substance of the interview. How would you characerize your coaching phil--

Iconferentz_medium Do you need any money?

Gerg_icon_medium Coach, we need to discuss how he would actually do the job first.

Iconferentz_medium Nah, he's perfect.

Iconferentz_medium You're perfect!

Iconferentz_medium You have everything I'm looking for in a coach. You have my last name, you're related to people I'm related to, and you have my last name!

Iconferentz_medium When can you start? Do you need a house? I can buy you a house.

Gerg_icon_medium Um...tell you what, we'll be in touch. Thanks for coming in.

Barry_ferentz_medium Sure, you bet.

Iconferentz_medium Great to see you, Barry.

Barry_ferentz_medium You too, Kirk.

Barry_ferentz_medium /shuts door

Gerg_icon_medium OK, there's no way we can hire that guy.

Iconferentz_medium Why not?

Gerg_icon_medium For one, every person we've interviewed is more qualified.

Gerg_icon_medium Also, there's a nepotism policy.

Iconferentz_medium Oh, please. I'll just say that Gary supervises him.

Gerg_icon_medium Look, if you're going to insist that the new recruiting coordinator is related to you, give me 24 hours to get in touch with someone you should meet. If you don't like him, we'll hire Barry. Deal?

Iconferentz_medium Deal.

The next day...

Dirk_ferentz_medium 'sup

Dirk_ferentz_medium I mean...I mean, hello.

Dirk_ferentz_medium I'm Dirk Ferentz.

Iconferentz_medium Are we related, Dirk?

Dirk_ferentz_medium Yeah, I'm pretty sure we are.

Dirk_ferentz_medium My mom is...Norma?

Iconferentz_medium I'm sorry for your loss.

Dirk_ferentz_medium I'm...oh, right. Thank you, Kirk.

Gerg_icon_medium Kirk, Dirk has plenty of coaching experience.

Dirk_ferentz_medium Yeah, I used to be the head coach at Illinois

Gerg_icon_medium ...Wesleyan.

Dirk_ferentz_medium Oh, right, Illinois Wesleyan.

Dirk_ferentz_medium I was also the head coach at Florida...State

Dirk_ferentz_medium /winks at Greg Davis

Gerg_icon_medium ...

Iconferentz_medium ...

Iconferentz_medium So, did you attend the last family reunion?

Dirk_ferentz_medium yeah man icp was the shizznit beeyotch

Gerg_icon_medium /cough

Dirk_ferentz_medium Oh. Shit. Right. You mean Ferentz family reunion, of course.

Dirk_ferentz_medium Thought for a second there you were talking about the Gathering of the Juggalos.

Dirk_ferentz_medium No, I didn't make it to the reunion. pony was sick.

Iconferentz_medium Your pony was sick?

Dirk_ferentz_medium Yeah, my...I was busy drinking some juice.

Iconferentz_medium Hmm...

Iconferentz_medium Well, you're clearly a Ferentz, so why don't we sing the Ferentz Fight Song?

Dirk_ferentz_medium theres a fight song?

Iconferentz_medium Yeah! Come on! Let's show Greg how us Ferentzes do it!

Gerg_icon_medium Uh, Kirk? I don't think he --

Iconferentz_medium A-one! And a-two! And a-one two three!

Iconferentz_medium Oh it's great to be a Ferentz
'cause you know that your parents
are a good-looking father and mother

Dirk_ferentz_medium mumblemumblemumble

Iconferentz_medium Your offense is never scoring
and your breakfast each morning
is white toast unfettered by butter

Dirk_ferentz_medium mumblemumblemumblemuTTER! HA HA!

Iconferentz_medium Oh it's great to be a Ferentz
Our family's so rare-entz
Our bloodline goes way back to Sparta

Dirk_ferentz_medium /stops singing

Iconferentz_medium We'll punt from your thirty-five
that was a good enough drive
to get 4 million yearly from Barta

Dirk_ferentz_medium ...ARTA!

Dirk_ferentz_medium Woo! That was fun!

Iconferentz_medium Why don't you take the next verse, Dirk?

Dirk_ferentz_medium Me? Awwwww no, I couldn't.  I can barely remember the words.

Iconferentz_medium Because you missed the last reunion to drink juice?

Dirk_ferentz_medium Right, with my sick pony.

Iconferentz_medium ...

Iconferentz_medium Well, I think the job is yours. Do you have any questions for us?

Dirk_ferentz_medium I think I have just one...

Dirk_ferentz_medium is there any good waterskiing around here

Iconferentz_medium HA I KNEW IT

Iconferentz_medium FERENTZES DON'T WATER SKI

Dirk_ferentz_medium uh


Iconferentz_medium YOU'RE NOT A FERENTZ

Dirk_ferentz_medium uh

Iconferentz_medium YOU'RE ZOOK

Gerg_icon_medium Damn it!

Dirk_ferentz_medium damn it

Iconferentz_medium I TOLD YOU WHO TO HIRE, GREG. NOW DO IT.

Signing Day 2015...

Iconferentz_medium We're really excited to welcome this newest class of young men and small appliances to the University of Iowa.

Iconferentz_medium We think we have put together a wonderful class of football players and assorted items for your kitchen and home.

Iconmarcmo_medium Coach, it says here that you signed a panini press to a scholarship?

Iconferentz_medium Yes, our new recruiting coordinator found him.  We think he can play defensive tackle.

Iconferentz_medium He really reminds us of Matt Kroul.

Iconferentz_medium /looks to the right of stage

Iconferentz_medium /smiles

Iconferentz_medium /thumbs up

Barry_ferentz_medium /thumbs up