KIRK FERENTZ INTERVIEWS RECRUITING COORDINATORS

Yesterday, at the Iowa football offices...

Well, thanks for stopping in. We'll be in touch.

/shakes hands with prospective coach

/shows him out the door

/sighs

Well, what did you think?

No way. He didn't have anything I was looking for.

Well, we have plenty of other interviews today.  Just keep an open mind.

SECRETARY! SEND IN THE NEXT INTERVIEW PLEASE.

OK, this next guy has head coaching experience. He's recruited this area with great success in the past, and he ostensibly knows something about coaching. Frankly, he'd be an excellent choice.

'sup Kirk

No.

fine brosephine, theres no waterskiing here anyway

SECRETARY! NEXT!

The interviews continue...

No.

----------

No.

----------

Absolutely not.

----------

/plays failhorn keychain

----------

I'd rather hire Dantonio.

----------

/sleeps through interview

Hours later...

OK, this next candidate manages a Williams Sonoma. He's never coached before and lists "the Bulls" as his favorite football team.

Frankly, we would never interview him if it weren't for his name.

SECRETARY! SEND HIM IN!

Hi, I'm Barry Ferentz.

Wait...did you say Ferentz?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we're cousins.

Who are your parents?

My mom is Beatrice Ferentz

REALLY? Well, that explains the red hair.

LOL

LOL

How is ol' Bertie doing?

She's fine. She sends her best.

/scribbles on his notepad

Well, let's get to the substance of the interview. How would you characerize your coaching phil--

Do you need any money?

Coach, we need to discuss how he would actually do the job first.

Nah, he's perfect.

You're perfect!

You have everything I'm looking for in a coach. You have my last name, you're related to people I'm related to, and you have my last name!

When can you start? Do you need a house? I can buy you a house.

Um...tell you what, we'll be in touch. Thanks for coming in.

Sure, you bet.

Great to see you, Barry.

You too, Kirk.

/shuts door

OK, there's no way we can hire that guy.

Why not?

For one, every person we've interviewed is more qualified.

Also, there's a nepotism policy.

Oh, please. I'll just say that Gary supervises him.

Look, if you're going to insist that the new recruiting coordinator is related to you, give me 24 hours to get in touch with someone you should meet. If you don't like him, we'll hire Barry. Deal?

Deal.

The next day...

'sup

I mean...I mean, hello.

I'm Dirk Ferentz.

Are we related, Dirk?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure we are.

My mom is...Norma?

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm...oh, right. Thank you, Kirk.

Kirk, Dirk has plenty of coaching experience.

Yeah, I used to be the head coach at Illinois

...Wesleyan.

Oh, right, Illinois Wesleyan.

I was also the head coach at Florida...State

/winks at Greg Davis

...

...

So, did you attend the last family reunion?

yeah man icp was the shizznit beeyotch

/cough

Oh. Shit. Right. You mean Ferentz family reunion, of course.

Thought for a second there you were talking about the Gathering of the Juggalos.

No, I didn't make it to the reunion. My...my pony was sick.

Your pony was sick?

Yeah, my...I was busy drinking some juice.

Hmm...

Well, you're clearly a Ferentz, so why don't we sing the Ferentz Fight Song?

theres a fight song?

Yeah! Come on! Let's show Greg how us Ferentzes do it!

Uh, Kirk? I don't think he --

A-one! And a-two! And a-one two three!

Oh it's great to be a Ferentz
'cause you know that your parents
are a good-looking father and mother

mumblemumblemumble

Your offense is never scoring
and your breakfast each morning
is white toast unfettered by butter

mumblemumblemumblemuTTER! HA HA!

Oh it's great to be a Ferentz
Our family's so rare-entz
Our bloodline goes way back to Sparta

/stops singing

We'll punt from your thirty-five
that was a good enough drive
to get 4 million yearly from Barta

...ARTA!

Woo! That was fun!

Why don't you take the next verse, Dirk?

Me? Awwwww no, I couldn't.  I can barely remember the words.

Because you missed the last reunion to drink juice?

Right, with my sick pony.

...

Well, I think the job is yours. Do you have any questions for us?

I think I have just one...

is there any good waterskiing around here

HA I KNEW IT

FERENTZES DON'T WATER SKI

uh

WE PREFER LEAVING THE BOAT ON THE TRAILER AND ENJOYING A NICE CUP OF WARM WATER

YOU'RE NOT A FERENTZ

uh

YOU'RE ZOOK

Damn it!

damn it

I TOLD YOU WHO TO HIRE, GREG. NOW DO IT.

Signing Day 2015...

We're really excited to welcome this newest class of young men and small appliances to the University of Iowa.

We think we have put together a wonderful class of football players and assorted items for your kitchen and home.

Coach, it says here that you signed a panini press to a scholarship?

Yes, our new recruiting coordinator found him.  We think he can play defensive tackle.

He really reminds us of Matt Kroul.

/looks to the right of stage

/smiles

/thumbs up

/thumbs up