Two weeks ago, at the home of five-star defensive end Jashon Cornell...
/knocks on door
Come on in!
I'm doing some laundry. Just have a seat in the kitchen and I'll be right up!
/sits down at kitchen table
I brought the recruiting maerials you asked for!
What kind of materials are those?
Aw hey, are you Jashon's dad?
I'm Eric Johnson, University of Iowa.
Yeah, we'll get to who I am in a minute.
Fow now, let's focus on you.
What are you doing here?
I'm here to recruit Jashon to play for us.
Really? And what makes you think it's OK to come to his house with a bag of football stuff to 'recruit' Jashon?
We talked on Twitter. He invited me here.
Oh, I have the transcript from your Twitter account.
There's a lot of talk of joining the 'Hawkeye family' on here, sir.
Eric Johnson (@HawkeyeCoachEJ) April 5, 2012
We've got a new member of the #Hawkeye family!— Eric Johnson (@HawkeyeCoachEJ) April 27, 2012
This is some creepy, creepy stuff, sir.
I'm not even going to get into the direct messages.
Suffice it to say, you've done a lot to build this relationship with Jashon.
Well, that's what I do!
So what did you intend to do here?
If I was lucky, I was hoping to convince Jashon to come to Iowa with me. Join the Hawkeye family.
Come to Iowa with you and join your 'family'? And what would be do when he got there?
Oh, he'd play immediately down there.
I'm fairly certain that's a Mann Act violation, sir.
Well, I'm Chris Hansen from Dateline, and we've been recording this conversation.
You can leave whenever you want, but I'm warning you: You'll be arrested when you exit the building.
Arrested for what?
For your 'recruiting' of high schoolers.
Well, you know I don't just recruit, right?
I'm a recruiting coordinator.
I direct eight other coaches toward the homes and schools of teenagers for the purpose of getting them to come to Iowa.
Where do these coaches go?
Just about everywhere. Illinois, Wisconsin, Missouri, Texas, Ohio, Michigan, the mid-Atlantic.
We don't really go into the South or the West Coast, but otherwise we'll go anywhere for a promising player.
So you're telling me you can give me the names and locations of eight other people doing this same thing?
Yeah, no problem.
Holy shit, it's The Blacklist.
This is ratings gold.
Turn off the cameras.
We need to get you immunity and protection.
They'll be certain to come after you if they know what you've done.
What I've done? What are you talking about?
You're going to give me those recruiters' names and locations, one each week, in the form of an elaborate riddle.
And when you're done, we'll stash you somewhere where no one will ever find you.
You said these guys don't go to the South.
Yeah, we gave that up years ago.
We can put you there, and we'll get you a fake identity with a common name that's difficult to Google.
Something like 'Eric Johnson' would be perfect.
That's my name.
Good, you're already getting how it works.
Keep playing along like that.
Now we just need to find a plausible front that nobody will question.
/takes out a package of cheese curds
Wait, what's that?
Culver's. I was starving, and I couldn't find a Hardee's.
A Wisconsin fast food franchise in a region where cheese, cream and butter are health foods...
My God, it's perfect.
Six months later...