BARRY ALVAREZ MAKES A PHONE CALL

Scene: the Jacobson Athletic Building, a state-of-the-art facility housing Iowa State's athletic offices. And since this is Ames, by "state-of-the-art facility" we mean it is a shed and they just installed real glass windows. Jamie Pollard looks out over Jack Trice Field, deep in thought.

Hay bales. That's what this stadium needs.

RING RING RING

It's a great day to be a Cyclone!

Heh! Wish I could say the same about being a Badger!

...Barry Alvarez?

Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Jamie.

To what do I owe the honor of the call?

Well, you know things are kind of rough around here. I'm having to replace another football coach. Be my third coach in three years. I don't want to do it again.

Are you looking for some help on coaching searches? I have a little bit of experience there.

You had to replace Gene Chizik.

God, how does anyone replace Gene Chizik?

Yes, well, now we're wondering how anyone replaces Gary Andersen, and...

Whew!

...and, yes, quite the task, and I don't think the Paul Chryst thing is happening. Politics and whatnot. But. I think both of our questions ultimately have the same answer.

Wait—

That's right. I would like Wisconsin to hire Paul Rhoads.

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Jamie, it's common courte—

NO, DAMN IT. I'M NOT LETTING ANYONE TAKE MY FOOTBALL COACH AGAIN. I'VE WORKED FOR YEARS REGAINING MY CONSOLABILITY, BARRY!

Jamie, if you'll just liste—

YEARS!

You haven't hea—

I HAVE A GREAT THING RIGHT NOW AND I AM NOT LOSING MY COACH.

But you won't, Jamie.

BUT—but... you just said...

You didn't let me finish. We're not splitting you and Paul up.

I'm listening.

Jamie, look. I'm... wow, 67 years old. Thought it'd be more. Anyway, I'm an old man! I can't be AD forever. Especially not when coaches can't stand to work for me.

Did—did you just google your own age? I heard typing right then.

I was just responding to an email. I swear, this Internet sometimes!

Ha! I know! Did you know we invented the Internet at Iowa State?

That's... I don't... anyway, look. I have zero interest in hiring any more football coaches, but I have to right now. So my thinking is, I bring in both Paul and a boss I know he loves so Wisconsin doesn't have to go through another transition two years from now. You get me?

I'd... be some special assistant AD?

Jamie Pollard, I want you to take my job as the athletic director of Wisconsin.

You... you mean it?

Of course I mean it! I talk with my president every day, and the one thing we always come back to is, "Wisconsin's athletic department should be as well-run and successful as Iowa State's."

[beams with pride]

Do you have a buyout?

Gosh, no. Athletic directors can have buyouts?!

Oh, um, uh, of course not! That was a joke! Just having an athletic director joke! Ha, ha!

Ha, ha!

So here's the one thing I need from you. As I'm sure you're aware, Wisconsin has the "calling the badgers" tradition.

What? No, I'm not aware.

Jamie! You're kidding me. Do you not want this job, as the athletic director of Wisconsin sports? I could ask Jay Jacobs what he's up to, if you want.

NO! No no no. I know about Arkansas and "calling the hogs," but I guess "calling the badgers" doesn't get the same publicity.

You're kidding.

It never makes it onto Big 12 media! We watch the Longhorn Network pretty much constantly.

Fine. I suppose there's no reason for an Iowa State AD to watch the Big Ten Network 51 weeks out of the year. So here's the deal: calling the badgers entails painting badger stripes on your face and yelling "jump around!" I can't believe you don't know this, it's kind of our thing, ESPN makes a big deal and all...

Oh! Yes, I know that tradition. It's one of the best in sports. I didn't know that's what you call it, I guess.

Whew. I was worried. Yes, that's it. So just lacquer up that face with shoe polish, get on a camera and call the badgers and let the world know you're part of the Wisconsin famiiy! All right!

Yeah! Whoooo! Whooooooooooooo! WISCONSIN, HERE I COME!

Four hours later...

Tonight, bizarre footage from little-known Iowa State University, where an athletic director dons blackface to yell rap lyrics at unsuspecting students AND media, and here's the kicker... the rap group he's quoting is white. We'll get a quote from the embattled exec. Stay tuned to MSNBC.

[clicks remote]

BEEEEEEOOOOOOOP

You totally googled his age.

Of course I did. I could have sworn Barry was like 75! He acts 75.

Heh.

Turns out he's not even nine years older than you, and we still ran a great retirement angle on him.

...

That age, it just creeps up on you, doesn't it? Especially when everyone's just... waiting for you to retire.

...

I wouldn't know, I just turned 51, it's just...

Gary.

I don't really have the frame of refe—

GARY. I'm not retiring or reducing my buyout.

...buuuut, if you want to call up Beckman and gauge his interest in the Michigan job, I'd be happy to stay here and hand you another beer or five for it.

God, this is so much better than coaching.