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JAMIE POLLARD GETS THE CALL FROM MCDONALD'S

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The McDonald's corporation is excited to partner with Iowa State after the announcement of their all-gold uniform

blankenshipicon
Mr. Pollard, I've got a Mr. Bran Zetafret on the line from the McDonald's Corporation.

pollardicon
Ooh! They must be calling about the uniforms. I heard from my intern that they gave us a "shout-out" on the "internet". Patch him through.

ronaldicon
Mr. Pollard? Hi! This is Bran Zetafret, VP for Midwest Marketing here at McDonald's.

pollardicon
An honor to speak with you Mr. Zetafret. May I say you have a very unusual last name! What is that, Greek?

ronaldicon
Coptic Christian, actually. But I'm here to talk to you about your delightful new uniforms.

pollardicon
Thank you! I saw your comments on "Twitter". Now, I have to be honest — we weren't really thinking of McDonald's when we designed them. The fact that all-mustard yellow pants and ketchup-red helmets look a lot like your corporate icon just never clicked for us. I hope you're not mad.

ronaldicon
Mad? Heavens no. In fact, we've been looking for a major college program to lavish our vast corporate fortunes on, and your uniforms convinced us that ISU is the program we'd like to sponsor.

pollardicon
*Unnhh* [low, barely audible moaning and panting]

ronaldicon
Mr. — Mr. Pollard? Are you alright?

pollardicon
*Urggh* *Gnnuh*

ronaldicon
Dear god, I think he's had a heart attack. Mrs. Blankenship — are you still on the line? Is Mr. Pollard okay?

blankenshipicon
He's on the floor, licking his palms.

pollardicon
Corpor... Corporate sponsorship? I'm sorry. My mind just went away for a while. Um... yes, we might be interested in coming to some sort of arrangement with you and your... vast ... corporate ... fortunes. [moaning recommences]

ronaldicon
Well, good! I think we should move fast on this. I'd like to set up a press conference for tomorrow to announce our new $200 million Cyclonald's Foundation.

pollardicon
Two ... two ... hundred. Did you say ... •Hrrrnh*

ronaldicon
We'll meet at your athletic offices, but I need you to bring a few things. Do you think you can do that, Mr. Pollard?

pollardicon
I would do literally anything for you, milord.

ronaldicon
Great! First I need you to go to the nearest limestone quarry and hand-pick the finest 200 pounds of limestone dust you can find.

pollardicon
Yes, whatever. Yes. Yes. I'm on it.

ronaldicon
Next I need you to go to Yosemite in California and get me a branch from a giant sequoia tree. I do have to warn you, though. There have been wildfires there recently, and they may be spraying retardant —

pollardicon
HEY!? STOP RIGHT THERE MISTER!

ronaldicon
What? Did I say something —

pollardicon
NO ONE GETS TO CALL ME THAT! I'VE WORKED TOO LONG AND TOO HARD TO PUT UP WITH THAT KIND OF TALK ANYMORE.

ronaldicon
I don't under—

pollardicon
I TOOK THAT TEST AND MY MOM TOLD ME THAT NO ONE GETS TO CALL ME THAT ANYMORE SO YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE RIGHT NOW!

ronaldicon
What? No, no. "Retardant" is just this red stuff they spray on trees to put out wildfires. I can call it "fire-putter-outer" if you prefer.

pollardicon
OH! [long pause] Oh. Okay then. Ahem. Where was I.... umm, oh yeah. I hear and I obey, master.

ronaldicon
Good. The last thing I need you to do is buy a stick of Revlon Red Lacquer lipstick and smear it all over your lips, then put on your excellent new all-gold uniform.

pollardicon
[writing] Revlon ... Red Lacquer. Got it. This should all be no problem at all, my liege.

ronaldicon
Great! I'll see you tomorrow. [hangs up]

bartaicon
Do you think he bought it?

ferentzicon
I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

*** THE NEXT DAY AT THE IOWA STATE ATHLETIC OFFICES •••

pollardclown

I am here to officially state my disappointment with certain unnamed corporations who fail to follow through on planned press conferences. I tried to deal with this internally, but it’s no longer fair to put our cameramen, our backdrop drapers, and our podium-setter-uppers, in this position. Plus I GOT ALL THE STUFF AND GOT COVERED IN RED FIRE-PUTTER-OUTER. MR. ZETAFRET YOU COPTIC BASTARD! YOU DOUBLE-CROSSED ME!

[is handed note from off-camera]

What's that? There's no Bran Zetafret at McDonald's? And it's unlikely he would call from a 319 area code? And Zetafret is not a Coptic name? And there are things called anagrams? And they are rearrangements of letters? And Bran Zetafret rearranges to form... GODDAMNIT!!!

[is inconsolable]