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IOWA TO UNLEASH TWO-HEADED QUARTERBACK ATTACK ON BIG TEN

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The Iowa QB controversy reaches a shocking conclusion.

Horace E. Cow

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IOWA CITY, IA (AP) -- Offensive coordinator Greg Davis announced earlier this week that the Iowa football team felt good about both Jake Rudock and C.J. Beathard and wanted to play both quarterbacks as the season progressed. He also indicated at that time that there was no particular plan in place to utilize both quarterbacks.  That claim seems suspect in light of the shocking new information about Beathard and Rudock emerging from Iowa City today.

"Well, that may have been a little white lie," Davis admitted sheepishly.  "We kind of had an idea or two in mind about how it was going to work, but we didn't want to let the cat out of the barn, you know?"

Iowa head coach Kirk Ferentz confirmed that the coaches had already devised a plan to use both Beathard and Rudock, but kept it quiet initially.  "Loose lips sink surgically-modified superman, or so I hear," said Ferentz.

"Truth be told, I got the idea a little bit ago when Greg and I were in the film room.  We had just watched some offensive game film and we needed a bit of a pick me up.  A little palate cleanser. So we put in Young Frankenstein, which always cracks me up.  Anyway, that's when it hit us -- why choose between C.J. and Jake, who we both love and think are just super young guys, when we could combine them?"

Ferentz indicated that the bye week came at an especially fortuitous time to allow the Iowa coaches to bring their scheme to fruition.  "It was just super timing, really.  It turns out we needed an extra week to let Jake and C.J. heal up after the procedure.  Plus, it really worked out for Dr. Stein to fly over from Europe and perform the operation.  He's a pretty busy fella, or so I hear."

Ferentz denied reports that doctors at UIHC refused to perform the operation merging Beathard and Rudock because they found it morally reprehensible and ethically unsound.  "Sometimes you just want an expert who really understands the topic, you know?  That's why we hired Bobby Kennedy when no one could understand Greg explain his offense."

Davis indicated that the coaches were unconcerned about the reaction from Iowa fans.  "Well, we know you can't please everyone all the time -- although I think we're tryin' with this move," he added with a chuckle.  "But I don't expect the folks of Iowa City to chase him through the streets with pitchforks and fiery torches.  I think they're a pretty tolerant bunch.  I mean, they've put up with me for about three years now."

While some Big Ten coaches expressed their discomfort at Iowa playing an unholy amalgamation at quarterback, many longtime conference observers just shrugged at the new development.  "Alvarez used to put mountain trolls on the Badger offensive line, Ted Ginn was definitely a wood sprite, and you'll never convince me that Charles Woodson wasn't part-wolf.  Heck, this Rudock-Beathard critter isn't even the only supernatural figure on that Iowa team.  I mean, I'll be damned if Mark Weisman isn't a golem."

Iowa coaches indicated that they planned to start C. Jake Rudhard in next Saturday's game against Indiana, but declined comment on how the new(ish) quarterback would be used or how the offensive gameplan would be modified to incorporate the talents of the horrific monster.  The coaches also declined to make C. Jake Rudhard available for comment, although some reporters indicated hearing baleful moaning from the lower levels of the new Iowa Football Complex.

H/T to Horace E. Cow for his assistance with the images for this post.