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THE HYBRID: THE SPARTANS WANT MORE BLOOD

This week's preview of college football's finest games give us fake punts, the MSU-Michigan game, LSU hosting No. 3 Ole Miss at night, and the FSU glitter bros.

By Bobby Loesch
Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

The Hybrid is a weekly preview of every Big Ten game, plus relevant or whimsy games from the national slate.

A lot of interesting teams are off this week. No Texas A&M (RIP, Kenny Trill), no Notre Dame (so I don't get to embed Lou Holtz's presumable breakdown of what a pick play is), and no Florida State. Holy buckets, Jameis looked amazing last week. You know, you get so caught up in all the off-the-field stuff and his very-hard-to-like personality, and you kind of forget this kid can ball. out. He was painting Mona Lisa's against ND Nation. I'm not sure I've ever enjoyed watching him play this much post-scandal(s). The throws (ropes!), his size (huge!), the poise (unflappable!)... I'm not sure he's falling in the NFL Draft, you guys. He is a cut above his peers right now*.

(* - football abilities only)

But yeah, no him. No FSU glitter bros, either. No, seriously -- no glitter bros. I said no glitter bros!

Ah, hell: I'll give you glitter bros.

But the hits keep coming.

Our beloved Iowa Hawkeyes are off, too. Second bye week of the year. I thought we just got off the bye week? This sucks. What the hell are we gonna do?

Well.

We rely on some SEC stuff, the Michigan-Michigan State (/cough) rivalry, stupid videos and vines... basically what we do every week.

Hi, Brid!

THE HYBRID

Tuesday

Louisiana-Lafayette at Arkansas State: This game already happened, but the play (Vine time!) and the caption are both so perfect.

Thursday

N/A

Friday Night Lights

Oregon (6) at California: Wait, Oregon plays Friday night? Booooo.

Also, I'm a sucker for All Things Oregon and beer pong... but this was just stupid.

Saturday

Texas at Kansas State (11): Why can't I bring myself to care about K-State's season? It feels like they've been pretty cool in the past... and who could possibly go against old man Snyder? I dunno; just us growing apart, I guess.

* * *

As for Texas, am I the only one who is interested in watching The Undertaker just go about his normal life?

North Carolina at Virginia: This headline would be like if I covered UNC football: "Georgia Tech stomps on hope again"

Rutgers at Nebraska (16): Really thought Nova would cover against tOSU last week. Instead, the flame out finally happened: 1 INT, less than 50% completions, and didn't even break 200 yards. Also they lost by 39. For shame, Nova. For shame.

Minnesota at Illinois: Minnesota, I love you this week because you made this exist...

Keep enjoying first place, Gopher bros.

Maryland at Wisconsin: #PlayEdsall

Seth Rosenthal also took the time to get some specs on his leaping abilities:

Looks accurate to me.

Michigan at Michigan State (8): Hi, Michigan! Big game this week, how's the diag looking?

Ah, shit.

Some MSU person put out this mega-dope hype video for the game. It basically sets up all the arrogant dbag stuff M has done over the years (hi, bad karma!) then crests into highlights of the Spartans killing Michigan in last year's game. As a Wolverines fan, this one was tough.

Conversely... we have this:

If you're not gonna take the time to watch this (it's barely over a minute), the title is a very blunt "Michigan vs Penn State douchey pre-game speech".

But he's... he's all we got. Well, unless QB Devin Gardner can provide some positive vibes?

"I've been called the N-word so many times this year," Gardner said. "One guy told me I was the N-word, and said I know N-words can't play quarterback. And I was like, are we not past this? Say what you want about my skill, but come on."

People are horrible. This is so depressing.

Maybe if we just... stick to football?

"It's hard to play effectively when you're continuously getting hit," Gardner said. "But that's the situation we're in. And my guys are trying as hard as they can, so I can't ask for anything else..."

I, on the other hand, will ask for one more thing: THIS WOODSON FORSAKEN SEASON TO END. END. ENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND.

* * *

We wrap up with our weekly "Dave Brandon: Killing Me Softly" link dump: Read a real Michigan fan's increasingly angry emails to Dave Brandon

Actually, don't read these; they're terrible. He even calls out the players (asshole move). Though he does make fun of fireworks, which some people might enjoy. The best part is every e-mail is post-2:30 a.m.

Mississippi State (1) at Kentucky: Seriously, did anyone know this game was happening?

Texas Tech at TCU (10): Got nothin'.

West Virginia (22) at Oklahoma State: Big win for WFV last week, as they upset the Baylor Bears and ruined everything yet again. Speaking of ruining everything, their celebration went 0 to 100, real quick.

WE HAVE REACHED PEAK WEST VIRGINIA.

Florida Atlantic at Marshall (23): Marshall! After being featured in The Hybrid last week, the Thundering Herd pulled out another W. I have to ask, though: Jack from "LOST" -- are we honoring them?

Marshall Honor

Oh.

Oregon State at Stanford: Sup, David Shaw. Y'all still ranked?! Or... or nah?

...or nah.

Arizona (15) at Washington State: RichRod's first game since the USC debacle. Honestly, Leach vs. RichRod was the premium coaching match up I'd looked forward to ever since RR joined the PAC-12. This game should be pretty cool. Connor Halliday, I know you were off last week, but do you have any strong takes heading into this flashy spread tilt?

We never will, either.

Ole Miss (3) at LSU (23) -- at night: Game of the Week. And shouts out to LSU for rolling last week and getting ranked in time for this. Earlier this week, I heard Les Miles has only lost three night games in his entire LSU tenure, and those three losses came to teams that, like, either eventually won the national title or a conference title or something accolade-y like that. Translation: is Ole Miss fucked? Mannnnnn, that's the million dollar question.

/looks up spread

Ole Miss by 3.5?! They've arrived! I don't even need this old lady to set the tone anymore. But... we'll do it anyway:

Yes, we do go hard at Ole Miss, don't we? Man, 3.5 at Tiger Stadium. Bo Wallace, the keys are yours.

Alabama (4) at Tennessee:

In all seriousness, Alabama looks about fully back, and we're all screwed. I'd tell you to remember this moment, but Alabama will keep you not forgetting this all on their own.

South Carolina at Auburn (5): Pretty good.

* * *

We haven't had a stupid Big Ten night game quite yet. Is... one coming?

Ohio State (13) at Penn State: Big Ten! And this one is actually enticing! We did it, we did it.

Not sure how closely y'all have followed tOSU after they dropped that game to Va-Tech, but, well, Barrett is killing everyone.

Big Ten Freshman of the Year is his to lose. Sorry, Mr. Dudek. There will be no Mikey Mania in Mudville.

As for this game, you've got Penn State (a classic program) at night in a stadium that always comes correct... but I don't think Hackenberg can pull this out against the tOSU defense. You can't even call this 50-50; the Buckeyes should be heavy favorites.

USC (20) at Utah (19): We pimped Utah pretty hard going into last week's game... but they struggled a little in Corvallis before pulling out a double OT victory against Oregon State. Now begins the Utes' brutal stretch of (cue cliche analyst voice) FIVE STRAIGHT GAMES AGAINST TOP 25 PAC-12 OPPONENTS. JK, it's four -- Stanford isn't ranked anymore. Oh, The Cardinal. Ohhhhhh, The Cardinal.

Arizona State (14) at Washington: I've always liked the new-ish ASU logo.

* * *

Wrapping It Up...

/calls an unsuccessful fake punt

/shrugs shoulders

Bobby Loesch is a weekly contributor to Black Heart Gold Pants. Follow him on Twitter @bobbystompy or e-mail at bobbyloesch [at] gmail.com.

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