clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

A Bored High School Student Previews the 2013 Iowa Hawkeyes Football Season

Everyone's favorite sports analyst, the Bored High School Student, returns for the definitive look at the Iowa Hawkeyes and their chances on the gridiron in 2013.


Today's topic is the Iowa Hawkeyes football team. Will the Iowa Hawkeyes do good or bad on the field? There are many factors to consider in is your team very good. You have to compare and contrast the factors to really get the truth.

Many in sports consider bowl games the "holey grail" of college football, because bowls are always played during holidays, and that word means "holey days" in ye olde Latin. Nowadays some bowls are played way before or way after Christmas, but those are bowls for the joke teams and/or the National College Football Championship. Iowa has never been to the National Championship Football Championship but that is or isn't about to change.

If you do go to a bowl that means you have an extra game to play and now your schedule isn't 12 games. Guess what hot shot... its 13! Thirteen is an infammously unlucky number and many average Americans are afraid of it. That fear is called Triscuitdickaphobia or something.

Nobody knows if Kirk Ferentz is superstition. That may be why he did not get Iowa to a bowl game in 2012 because of how scared he was of "Game 13." Many in sports believe "Game 13" is a disaster waiting to happen and one thing I read is that half the teams lose their bowl games every year but I am pretty sure it is way more than half in the Big 10 so Kirf Ferentz is probably doing a way smart move about this.


However some fans in sports think you have to go to a bowl game even if you're superstition about it so Kirk Ferintz is on The Budweiser Hot Seat if he doesn't go back to bowl games a lot anymore. This is a major factor to consider in if Iowa is going to a bowl game. It has to be a good bowl game too or else you are Purdue and you get fired.

Iowa has to play Iowa State every year so people around the Hawkeye State (that's Iowa) don't get angry about their football. It is a major college football rivalry and it possibly might have a trophey. I didn't couldn't find it on Wikepedia. Iowa State won the game last year on a real heartbreaker and now Iowa has to show the state who is the boss once and for all. Nobody in sports knows for sure who the boss is.

If Iowa beats Iowa State it gets to keep playing the season and there are some pretty sucky teams else-where in the beginning of the 2013 college football Iowa season schedule. Then the Big 10 part starts and it is full of big time wins or losses just waiting to happen in front of all the fans. Los Vegas says Iowa will lose all six games. That is a lot.

There are 4 games at Home Stadium for Iowa against the Big 10 and 4 games at Away Stadium. All the Away Stadiums are different. It is the biggest puzzle in all of college football figuring out what Away Stadium is what. My favorite Away Stadium is Virginia Tech Home Stadium, or "The Swamp." They play Metallica every night there and the crowd gets really into it because it's Metallica, how could you not? Unless you're dead and if you are, you need to give your seat to someone else who is alive and ready for a rock block of Metallica before it's game time.

Iowa has to play Ohio State this year so that is going to be a loss. Ohio State cheats according to my dad and he seems pretty sure about it. Football teams shouldn't cheat but at the end of the day it is up to the refs to through the flag. I asked my dad who the biggest cheaters at OH State are and he said some guys that aren't there anymore, so I don't get it. Plus my Uncle Wally is from Ohio and he says the Buck-eyes don't cheat at all. Uncle Wally isn't allowed to drink Bud Light at our Christmas anymore because him and my dad faught at the dinner table about whether Ford or Chevy is the cool truck to drive. Anyway the cheaters will probably beat Iowa Hawkeyes by 40.

Pretty soon these divisions will go away forever because new teams are coming to the Big Ten. There are no more legends and leaders in the Big Ten. Everyone that was called a legend or leader by the conference has to renounce or denounce or whatever and then that will make the new conference divisions okay. Drew Brees is really pissed about this according to my brother since he is like the best.

Another big time loss that is just waiting to happen is Open Date. They get to play Iowa twice but it doesn't say where or what time for either one so that is more cheating against the 'Hawks. These games could be anywhere. How is Kirt Ferentz supposed to know where to take his team?.


Iowa has to go at Nebraska where they have the best fans in the world, according to Nebraska. It is pretty cool that Nebraska has the best fans even thought they aren't in the SEC, because the TV and Internet say the SEC is the best football. This could mean Cornhuskers fans are really wasting their time by being the best if the team's just going to be not best. Nebraska loses 4 games a year now that Beau Pelini is the main coach. They will still probably beat Iowa although.

Nobody knows who will win all the rest of the games if Iowa plays them. It could be anybody's game! That is for sure. There is Purdue and Northwestern and Minnesota and who knows if those teams are any good or if they're dumb. Northwestern's head coach is like Brian Urlacker's age but he has been coaching for forever so maybe he was too scared of playing football and that is why he stayed on the sideline. There are many factors to consider if you should be a player or a coach anymore.

Michigan and Wisconsin are good teams since they both went to the Big Ten Championship in the year 2012. Wait Michigan didn't but it seems like they should of if Nebraska was just going to be stinky dog balls about it. My dad says I can't say that in my paper and I have to take it out but did you see that game? It was dumb. Anyway since those teams are really good they will probably win their Iowa 2013 college football games too.

In summary and conclusion, Iowa will win maybe half of the games in 2013 college football and then it will lose maybe half the games. The devil is in the details, as many in sports say. There are a lot of ways to compare and contrast Iowa's 2013 schedule. Kurt Ferentz should say hello to the Budweiser Hot Seat when this season is all said and done because unless he is a good football coach he will probably have a Purdue type of season again and that is a real Pur-don't-do-that.

Thank you for reading my paper and go Labron James 2013.