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Some More Potential Candidates for the Iowa Baseball Coaching Job

If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge -- er, hit a curveball. Maybe. Probably.

Derick E. Hingle-US PRESSWIRE

Here at BHGP we've discussed several candidates for the open head coach position at the University of Iowa. Many of them have ties to Iowa or the midwest in general and several of them have previous head coaching experience. All of them have enjoyed success at the various professional stops in their careers. They are a fine collection of candidates, especially given some of Iowa baseball's limitations.

But are there more candidates out there that might be getting overlooked by the UI baseball search committee? Are there rocks that they have not overturned yet in their quest to replace Jack Dahm, possibilities they have not allowed themselves to consider? Perhaps. Fortunately, BHGP is there to pick up the slack.

NOTE: Some clips include NSFW language.

Kenny Powers

PROS: As a former MLB player, would bring instant attention to a flailing program. Could bring some much-needed sizzle to the presentation of Iowa baseball.

CONS: Is a complete douchebag and a walking P.R. disaster. Faked own death, suggesting some commitment issues. Has considerable substance abuse problems, as well as anger management issues, and a pervasive lack of respect for authority. Is seriously a total asshole.

Lou Brown

PROS: Offseason work experience as tire salesman shows moxie and ability to sell product to apathetic consumers. Transformed sad sack Cleveland Indians franchise from hopeless bunch of losers, scrubs, and ne'er-do-wells into division champions. Utilizes unconventional (but highly effective) motivational strategies. Experienced at managing a collection of disparate, wildly inflated egos.

CONS: Is dead. That's gonna be a problem.

Morris Buttermaker

PROS: Transformed little league team from hopeless bunch of losers, scrubs, and ne'er-do-wells into little league championship game runners-up. Has experience working with down-on-their luck programs and gritty underdogs.

CONS: Player management skills a little rough around the edges. Not a proponent of great sportsmanship, per se. Awards Little Leaguers with post-game beers as reward for good performance. Also endangers safety of minors and random passersby via driving while intoxicated.

Gordon Bombay

PROS: Has ample experience coaching underachieving avian-themed non-professional sports teams that primarily use a stick to hit a small object. Could use legal acumen to find loopholes in draconian NCAA transfer rules. Also has strong midwestern ties.

CONS: Is a Minnesotan. Technically has no experience coaching baseball. Past transgressions include poor judgment when it comes to imbibing alcohol and operating motor vehicles. Quitting high-paying corporate legal job for non-paying junior hockey coaching job displays questionable judgment. Fractious history with Iceland could damage recruiting ties in that nation.

Patches O'Houlihan

PROS: Championship dodgeball coach with the ability to mold individuals of wildly disparate skill levels, body types, and personalities into a cohesive, well-functioning championship team.

CONS: His famed "five Ds" coaching strategy -- "dodge, duck, dip, dive, and dodge" -- may not be an effective way to instruct how to field a ground ball. Similarly, his "if you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball" maxim may produce sub-standard fielding efforts (as well as excessive head trauma among players unable to dodge wrenches). Also: dead.

Tony D'Amato

PROS: Gives motivational speeches like no one's business. Able to adapt team to available personnel and still be successful.

CONS: Kinda sorta lacks any experience coaching baseball.