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Why Can't I Buy Iowa Duct Tape?

An Iowa consumer goods tale of terror.

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Every now and then, I come across a situation where I need to repair something or do a bit of impromptu construction involving God's gift to adhesives -- God bless you, duct tape! -- and I think to myself, "Self, why can't you add a little extra flair to this duct tape'd creation? Why can't your duct tape sturdily hold things together and proudly declare your college loyalty at the same time?" And I have no good answer for myself.

After all, lots of other college fans can enjoy duct tape's many wonders while also broadcasting their fandom.




And branded duct tape isn't just for our SEC overlords, either -- many of our B1G brethren have it, too.







Even B1G-to-be schools have it!



But can I find Iowa-brand duct tape from the makers of Duck Tape? No. No, I cannot.

If I let my gaze wander to other sites, I can find other schools on offer, including a certain school to the west (duct tape goes great on billboards, you know):



But, alas, still no Iowa.

Am I doomed to live a live without any Iowa-branded duct tape? Can I never fix a wobbly table and enjoy the sight of a tigerhawk staring back at me from that no longer crooked leg? Why hast thou forsaken me, duct tape makers of the world? Can the University of Iowa licensing department really be too noble and virtuous to license the tigerhawk for duct tape? (LOL.)

But wait! Is there hope in my quest?


Huzzah! God bless you, Amazon!



Damn you, cruel online merchant temptress!

Iowa duct tape does seem to exist... and yet it still eludes me. One day, Iowa duct tape... one day...