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Black and Gold Clad Men: The Merger

It's the recruit of Kirk's life and he needs a little help. Joan goes to the beach. Gary protests Vietnam by drinking. Harry styles his sideburns.

Previously on Black and Gold Clad Men

Kirk_draper_icon_medium I can handle this...


Joan_icon_medium You have no idea how to run an offense...


Gary_sterling_icon_medium Guess who I banged last night... you're not going to get it... Betty Grable.


Chris_benson_icon_medium How is everybody doing down here? Nice to meet you, I'm Chris White, I work upstairs in accounts.


Kenny_olson_icon_medium I've decided to take a job with the Dolphins.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium If you wanted a raise, all you had to do was ask. How much d-

Kenny_olson_icon_medium It's not about money. This is my chance, you know, bigger and better things.

Kirk gets on his knees and grasps Ken's hand.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium But I need you here.

Kenny_olson_icon_medium I'm sorry.


A coaches meeting takes place

Gary_sterling_icon_medium Boys, and lady, do I have news for you...

The coaches look at each other.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Are you planning on telling us?

Brian_campbell_icon_medium Yes, out with it.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium Chevy is not happy and the rumor is... it's pitching season.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Chevy? As in Chevy Vega, the nation's top defensive recruit? That's a household name.

Haydencooper_icon_medium He's the big one we've been looking for all these years.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium The kid looks and runs like a sports car. It's a dream get.

Brian_campbell_icon_medium Yeah, yeah, it's great, but have you forgotten, we already have Jaguar Pierce, you're willing to throw what we know we have for something we may not get.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium For Chevy, yes.

Brian_campbell_icon_medium And you (pointing at Gary), you're positive about this information.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium I talked with somebody associated with Chevy this morning; our meeting in Detroit is this Saturday.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Saturday? OK, I'm out of here (stick head out door). Dawn, could you assemble the defensive coaches?

Moments later...

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Gentlemen, this doesn't get any bigger. We're pitching to Chevy on Saturday, so lets get some quick ideas.

Phil_ginsberg_icon_medium Chevy - you'll be playing on the field from day one.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Too desperate.

Reese_rizzo_icon_medium Umm, I don't know. Umm. Chevy - Black Heart, Gold Pants.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Too corny.

Phil_ginsberg_icon_medium Chevy - Finally a sack in under 20 seconds.

Reese_rizzo_icon_medium Chevy - A quarterback's worst nightmare, a farmer's best friend.

Phil_ginsberg_icon_medium America does need farmers.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium What was that last thing you said?

Phil_ginsberg_icon_medium America Needs Farmers.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium I like that, let's come back to that one later, but guys this is Chevy. Let's keep working.

Friday night at a bar in Detroit

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Another virgin daiquiri please, this time put an umbrella in it.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium Well, what do we have here?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Heh, Joe Philbin, what are you doing in Detroit?

Ted_philbin_icon_medium Same thing you are - we're after Chevy.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium Umm. Whiskey sour.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium You coach the Dolphins, why are you after Chevy.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium Got to make early connections nowadays. And let's be real, this is Chevy. I heard even Stern at NBA is in the hunt.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Figures. An institution that big, there goes our shot, nobody wants the little guy.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium You're telling me. Try to coach a bottom feeder in the NFL, he's not going to want us. Say, can I ask what you're pitch is going to be.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Only if you tell me yours first.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium OK. I bring out an artist rendering of downtown Miami and its full of Chevys. Jersey, pennant, billboards. Chevys everywhere; at every corner. And then I was going to do the Will Smith rap "Miami." Been practicing non-stop for three days - "Here I am in the place where I come let go, Miami the base and the sunset low. Everyday like a Mardi Gras, everybody party all day, no work, all play, okay." And so on.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Cute.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium And yours?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Pretty simple. A picture of Chevy in front of an Iowa cornfield. "Chevy - coming to a field near you."

Ted_philbin_icon_medium Iowa cornfield. Has that been done before?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Not that I know of.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium I like yours.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium And I like your too.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium It's too bad, it's all for nothing.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium What if its not.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium What?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Hear me out. I'm not a big enough, you're not big enough. We both need to get bigger, so let's combine forces on this.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium This kind of partnership has never happened before. College and Pro. You know the higher-ups are not going to like it. It might be in our best friend.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Are you content with being last your in field? Because I'm not, so let's do this.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium OK, I'm in.

The next morning

Gary_sterling_icon_medium You're ready to do this?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium It's time to shake up the status quo.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium You've never been like this before.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium I've never had this opportunity before. Welp, here they are.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium This is Don, I'm sure you've met before.

Gary_sterling_icon_medium Looking as handsome as ever.

Don_cutler_icon_medium If we're going to do this, let's do it right.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium You ready?

Ted_philbin_icon_medium (Humming ‘Miami') Let's do this.


Ted_philbin_icon_medium This is a recruit's house? There's a car right in the middle of the foyer.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Hey man, it's Chevy.

Ted_philbin_icon_medium (Nodding) Chevy.

Later that night.

Kenny_olson_icon_medium So, did you get it?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium We did.

Ken looks over surprised.

Kenny_olson_icon_medium We?

Ted_philbin_icon_medium Yes, ‘we' Ken. Kirk and I decided to merge into one entity. And guess what, we want you to put out the press release.

Kenny_olson_icon_medium Yes, sir.

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Kenny, be excited. We landed Chevy.

Kenny_olson_icon_medium OK.

Ken walks back to his desk and the click-clack of his typewriter keys eventually ring out.

Kenny_olson_icon_medium (Reading his work) "The Iowa Hawkeyes and the Miami Dolphins..." Good start. What's on TV (Turns on the television). Oooh Top Cat.

Next time on Black and Gold Clad Men

Caherky_icon_medium I need answers and I want them now.


Haydencooper_icon_medium Oh no.


Gary_sterling_icon_medium You drank an entire bottle of Jim Bean? Welcome aboard Chris White.


Brian_campbell_icon_medium Where's Ken?

Kirk_draper_icon_medium Oh the NCAA put a kibosh on that. Big time. Also, we're going to be a little short on scholarship the next few years, but don't tell anyone.