Zach the Giant Killer*

Last night, in New York City...

Zach, wake up!

mumble-mumble

ZACH, WAKE UP.

what?! who?! wherefore art thou, Romeo?

We're in New York, Zach. Remember? Tomorrow's the NIT semifinal against Maryland.

oh

Oh crap, was I about to sleep through the game?

no

Was I going to miss practice?

no

Was I going to miss lunch?

no

Was I going to miss the team outing to the Central Park Zoo?

no

oh. So why did you wake me up, Coach?

Because I need you to run an errand for me, Zach.

uh, aren't their student managers for that stuff?

For other errands, sure. But not this one.

uh, okay. What do you need me to do?

Take Frannabelle Q. Milksworth to the market and sell her.

...

Coach?

Yes, Zach?

Why did you bring a cow all the way to New York City?

I didn't bring just any cow, Zach. I brought Frannabelle Q. Milksworth, my pride and joy.

...

And I brought her with us because I wanted her to experience the sights and sounds of the greatest city on Earth. You know, before I sold her for a tidy profit at the market.

oh.

Take him to market, Zach, and get the best possible price for him -- not a penny less.

/sighs

Okay, Coach.

* * *

stupid cow

moo

why am I doing this anyway?

moo

this is, like, freshman stuff. Woody should be doing this, not me.

moo

/loud whistling noise

You!

/looks around, confused

me?

Yes, you! Do you have a permit for that cow?

um

No, but you see --

No buts, mister. I don't know where you're from --

Uh, Iowa.

Well that figures. Maybe back in Idaho --

Iowa.

Right, back in Ohio --

Iowa.

Easy there, Mr. Broken Record. Maybe back in Iowa, you bumpkins just walk around with cows all the time

Well, not real--

-- but in the big city, we don't abide those sort of shenanigans. So I'm going to have to write you a ticket.

/sighs

stupid cow

moo

* * *

Hey! Hey you there!

/looks around, confused

Yeah, you. Let go of that cow, buddy.

what

Let go of the cow. And no one gets hurt.

wait, really? You're mugging me... for a cow?

Just let go of the cow and no one has to get hurt.

uh

Aw, screw it.

/grabs rope holding Frannibelle Q. Milksworth out of McCabe's hand

YOINK

/runs off

/stops

Here's something for your trouble.

/throws small bag at McCabe

Are these drugs? Because, seriously, that's like the last thing I need. I already got a ticket from the NYPD and now you just mugged me for a cow, so please don't be handing me drugs.

/runs off

goddammit. This freaking city.

/picks up bag, opens it

Freaking beans? Great. Just great. This trip sucks.

/throws beans into the gutter

KRAKKA-DOOOOOM

oh crap

* * *

On top of the beanstalk, Zach finds himself in a strange new land. He wanders aimlessly.

stupid freaking beans.

stupid freaking city

stupid freaking--

/hears loud rumbling noise in the distance

--um

/hears loud rumbling noise closer

This can't be good.

/hears loud rumbling noise nearby

RRRAAAAARRR

A giant? Really?

/tries to run away

FEE! FIE! FO! FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A TOURIST-MAN!

/still running

/covers ground in two huge steps

YOINK

HA HA HA! FOOLISH TOURIST-MAN, YOU CANNOT RUN FROM ME!

oh crap

I AM ALEX THE GIANT AND I HUNGER FOR THE BLOOD OF TOURIST-MEN!

uh, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native New Yorker, born and raised. Yep. Go Yankees! Woo Knicks!

HMM. ARE YOU SURE? YOU HAVE THE DAZED LOOK OF A TOURIST.

uh

ALSO, YOU HAVEN'T SWORN ONCE, WHICH IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR FOR NEW YORKERS.

shit

WHERE ARE YOU FROM, LITTLE TOURIST-MAN?

Um, Iowa.

OH, I LIKE IOWANS. YOU TASTE LIKE POTATOES.

oh goddammAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE

* * *

GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

oh god oh god oh god

/feels self for bite marks

I'm here, I'm all here, all of me is here. Oh thank god. It was just a dream, just a weird, crazy dream.

/hears loud rumbling noise in the distance

no no no no no no no

this is not happening

/hears screams from the street below

oh goddammit

/looks out window

This freaking city.