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Zach the Giant Killer*

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* May not actually involve giants being killed.

Last night, in New York City...

Iconmccaffrey_medium Zach, wake up!

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium mumble-mumble

Wrath_of_fran_icon_medium ZACH, WAKE UP.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium what?! who?! wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Iconmccaffrey_medium We're in New York, Zach. Remember? Tomorrow's the NIT semifinal against Maryland.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium oh

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Oh crap, was I about to sleep through the game?

Iconmccaffrey_medium no

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Was I going to miss practice?

Iconmccaffrey_medium no

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Was I going to miss lunch?

Iconmccaffrey_medium no

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Was I going to miss the team outing to the Central Park Zoo?

Iconmccaffrey_medium no

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium oh. So why did you wake me up, Coach?

Iconmccaffrey_medium Because I need you to run an errand for me, Zach.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium uh, aren't their student managers for that stuff?

Iconmccaffrey_medium For other errands, sure. But not this one.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium uh, okay. What do you need me to do?

Iconmccaffrey_medium Take Frannabelle Q. Milksworth to the market and sell her.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium ...

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Coach?

Iconmccaffrey_medium Yes, Zach?

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Why did you bring a cow all the way to New York City?

Iconmccaffrey_medium I didn't bring just any cow, Zach. I brought Frannabelle Q. Milksworth, my pride and joy.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium ...

Iconmccaffrey_medium And I brought her with us because I wanted her to experience the sights and sounds of the greatest city on Earth. You know, before I sold her for a tidy profit at the market.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium oh.

Iconmccaffrey_medium Take him to market, Zach, and get the best possible price for him -- not a penny less.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /sighs

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Okay, Coach.

* * *

Mccabe_cow_nyc_medium

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium stupid cow

Cow_icon_medium moo

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium why am I doing this anyway?

Cow_icon_medium moo

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium this is, like, freshman stuff. Woody should be doing this, not me.

Cow_icon_medium moo

Iconsexycop_medium /loud whistling noise

Iconsexycop_medium You!

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /looks around, confused

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium me?

Iconsexycop_medium Yes, you! Do you have a permit for that cow?

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium um

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium No, but you see --

Iconsexycop_medium No buts, mister. I don't know where you're from --

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Uh, Iowa.

Iconsexycop_medium Well that figures. Maybe back in Idaho --

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Iowa.

Iconsexycop_medium Right, back in Ohio --

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Iowa.

Iconsexycop_medium Easy there, Mr. Broken Record. Maybe back in Iowa, you bumpkins just walk around with cows all the time

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Well, not real--

Iconsexycop_medium -- but in the big city, we don't abide those sort of shenanigans. So I'm going to have to write you a ticket.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /sighs

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium stupid cow

Cow_icon_medium moo

* * *

Mugger_icon_medium Hey! Hey you there!

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /looks around, confused

Mugger_icon_medium Yeah, you. Let go of that cow, buddy.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium what

Mugger_icon_medium Let go of the cow. And no one gets hurt.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium wait, really? You're mugging me... for a cow?

Mugger_icon_medium Just let go of the cow and no one has to get hurt.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium uh

Mugger_icon_medium Aw, screw it.

Mugger_icon_medium /grabs rope holding Frannibelle Q. Milksworth out of McCabe's hand

Mugger_icon_medium YOINK

Mugger_icon_medium /runs off

Mugger_icon_medium /stops

Mugger_icon_medium Here's something for your trouble.

Mugger_icon_medium /throws small bag at McCabe

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Are these drugs? Because, seriously, that's like the last thing I need. I already got a ticket from the NYPD and now you just mugged me for a cow, so please don't be handing me drugs.

Mugger_icon_medium /runs off

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium goddammit. This freaking city.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /picks up bag, opens it

Magic_beans_medium

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Freaking beans? Great. Just great. This trip sucks.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /throws beans into the gutter

Beanstalk_icon_medium KRAKKA-DOOOOOM

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium oh crap

* * *

On top of the beanstalk, Zach finds himself in a strange new land. He wanders aimlessly.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium stupid freaking beans.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium stupid freaking city

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium stupid freaking--

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /hears loud rumbling noise in the distance

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium --um

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /hears loud rumbling noise closer

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium This can't be good.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /hears loud rumbling noise nearby

Zach_the_giant_slayer_2_medium

Alex_len_icon_medium RRRAAAAARRR

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium A giant? Really?

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /tries to run away

Alex_len_icon_medium FEE! FIE! FO! FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF A TOURIST-MAN!

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /still running

Alex_len_icon_medium /covers ground in two huge steps

Alex_len_icon_medium YOINK

Alex_len_icon_medium HA HA HA! FOOLISH TOURIST-MAN, YOU CANNOT RUN FROM ME!

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium oh crap

Alex_len_icon_medium I AM ALEX THE GIANT AND I HUNGER FOR THE BLOOD OF TOURIST-MEN!

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium uh, I'm not a tourist. I'm a native New Yorker, born and raised. Yep. Go Yankees! Woo Knicks!

Alex_len_icon_medium HMM. ARE YOU SURE? YOU HAVE THE DAZED LOOK OF A TOURIST.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium uh

Alex_len_icon_medium ALSO, YOU HAVEN'T SWORN ONCE, WHICH IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR FOR NEW YORKERS.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium shit

Alex_len_icon_medium WHERE ARE YOU FROM, LITTLE TOURIST-MAN?

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium Um, Iowa.

Alex_len_icon_medium OH, I LIKE IOWANS. YOU TASTE LIKE POTATOES.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium oh goddammAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEE

Zach_the_giant_slayer_3_medium

* * *

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium GAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium oh god oh god oh god

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /feels self for bite marks

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium I'm here, I'm all here, all of me is here. Oh thank god. It was just a dream, just a weird, crazy dream.

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /hears loud rumbling noise in the distance

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium no no no no no no no

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium this is not happening

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /hears screams from the street below

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium oh goddammit

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium /looks out window

Testudo_gamera_medium

Zach_mccabe_icon_2_medium This freaking city.