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It's Time to Battle (Rap)

With spring practice here, Kirk Ferentz is tired of the basketball team hogging the spotlight. It's time to get it back.

Your Mother is so rotund, her posterior has a mutual fund. Also, that was not holding.
Your Mother is so rotund, her posterior has a mutual fund. Also, that was not holding.
Reese Strickland-US PRESSWIRE

Iconferentz_medium ...and then we'll bring Bullock in motion to the slot. Now, here's where we are going to surprise some teams. With Bullock in the slot, our quarterback will hand the ball off to Weisman for a stretch run left. I cannot wait to bring this on-- -

Iconsecretary_medium I'm sorry, sir, but another fruit basket has arrived.

Iconferentz_medium Another one?

Iconsecretary_medium Yes, and it's a big one. Do you want me to put it with the rest?

Iconferentz_medium Sigh. Yes.

The secretary struggles with a large fruit basket and accidentally knocks over part of Kirk's collection of model cars.

Iconferentz_medium OK, that ‘s it. I've had enough of this. It is once again time for me to take matters into my own hands.

Iconsecretary_medium You don't mean?

Iconferentz_medium Yes, yes I do. Fetch my gear.

Iconsecretary_medium God have mercy.

20 minutes later...


Iconbarta_medium I cannot tell you enough how excited the athletic program is about the basketball season.

Franicon_medium Hey, it's just a start. We want to do even better next year.

Iconbarta_medium I'm going to be honest with you, after the disappointing year that the football team had, the state needed this.

Franicon_medium I can tell, I'm not going to need to go to the grocery store for months.

Iconbarta_medium You know what, I'm in a good mood. Let's make a call, I know a team that is always looking for transfers.

Iconferentz_medium How dare you!!!

Iconbarta_medium Whoa, Kirk I couldn't see you over the baskets.

Iconferentz_medium I thought prank calls were our thing. Now you're stepping out with this flash in the pan.

Wrath_of_fran_icon_medium Flash in the pan?!!! I- I- I- I- (takes deep breath)

Franicon_medium I can tell you're upset, Kirk. I'm sorry, what can I do for you?

Iconferentz_medium For one, start bringing some of these fruit baskets home. I want my office to smell like fresh linen, not the rain forest.

Franicon_medium OK, OK, that's reasonable.

Iconferentz_medium Two, I want you to hold a press conference, put this basketball season to bed and remind our fans that it's time to think about football.

Wrath_of_fran_icon_medium Think about football?!!! You want me to tell the fans to think about football? I can't do that. I won't!

Iconferentz_medium Then you leave me choice.

Kirk peels down the zipper of his windbreaker


Rapping_kirk_icon_medium I challenge you to a freestyle rap battle.

Iconbarta_medium Oh no.

Franicon_medium A what?

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium A freestyle rap battle. Me versus you. Nothing on the line, but pride.

Franicon_medium Wait, you're serious.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium Do you know why the last two coaches left, what's-his-face and the guy with the glasses?

Franicon_medium Because they went to a combined three NCAA tournaments?

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium No. It's because they were unable to equal my rhymes and were shamed into leaving. Isn't that right Gary?

Iconbarta_medium Nope.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium Don't run from the truth Gary. Or do you think it's too scary? You best be leery because I'm no longer cheery.

Franicon_medium (to Gary) He raps?

Iconbarta_medium It's all he does during the offseason.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium So let's do this. Gary, drop me a beat.

Iconbarta_medium What? I can't do that.


Gary begins to beat box

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium Let me begin.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium The hair gel, the smirks, the well-tailored suits

Pretty good for someone who never recruits

Franicon_mediumHair gel?

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium You're pious, you're phony, you think you're the one

But I bet a decade from now you'll release a press release saying you're sorry for what you've done

You're no Dr. Tom, you're not even Dr. Evil

I'm not really familiar with either of those people

This is not Indiana, so don't act a fool.

It's about time you realize - this is a football school.

I'm out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Franicon_medium Wait, wait, wait. I might be mistaken, but this sounds like you're describing Coach Alf-

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium No! No! I just thought this up now. No doubt.

Franicon_medium I'm not from Indiana, I don't use hair gel and all of my suits come from the good people at the Burlington Coat Factory.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium OK, OK, the last set of rhymes did not slay-ya, but can you deal with this dose of truth playa? Gary, give me another beat.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Here we go.

Where'd all the fans go, I only see a few.

Maybe it's because you score fewer points than even we do.

Your program has a revolving door, everybody balks.

You'll never ever, ever see that with my group of Hawks.

You talk about the Butler way and what it is all about.

Well, I asked Jeeves and it said: Your connection has timed out.

I'm not really good with computers, so I'm not sure what that means.

But get out of my office, here comes Shonn Greene.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium Now can you dig that?

Franicon_medium I'm almost positive that you had your secretary transcribe your so-called rap battle with Coach Lickliter from 2008 and you just recited it to me.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium That's not, what, heh, heh, heh, that's, that's not true at all.

Franicon_medium Do you have anything that's about me?

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium Yes. Absolutely, you sure you want this? I do not take any prisoners.

Franicon_medium Try me.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium Alright, here we go Gary. One more time.

So you packed Carver, is that what I hear?

Well, um... Kinnick was full too and we went 4-8 last year.

It's time to think about football, time to get the fans excited

It's been five months since our last game and no one has been indicted

We're, uh, umm, trying something new this year, it's year two of Greg Davis

And if all else fails, we've got stretch run left to save us.

We're going to a bowl game, I guarantee it.

Just like that, um, hippie, who was in those commercials with Farrah Fawcett.

The basketball team had a nice run, you filled Hawkeye Nation with pride

But it's football season now, so please step aside.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium I'm sorry I was so rough, but sometimes you just have to unleash the beast.

Franicon_medium That was pretty good, but I have a response.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium You what?

Wrath_of_fran_icon_medium You step in here, trying to act all tough

But (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) has had enough

The (bleep) season might be (bleep) (bleep) over

But (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) we're not close to being done so take cover

I'll make this short, I'll make this sweet, that's my vow

You (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)


It's our school now.

Kirk stands with mouth agape.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium You, you, you, you can't swear in rap.

Wrath_of_fran_icon_medium Are you sure because I'm thinking of a second verse right now.

Rapping_kirk_icon_medium No, no that's fine. That's fine. I'm a gracious winner, but an even better loser. You've won this round, but football will be back. Enjoy the fruit.

Kirk walks back to his office.

Iconsecretary_medium Do I dare ask how things went.

Iconferentz_medium I think I made my point.

Iconsecretary_medium I assumed so, some of the basketball staff came and cleared away all of the fruit baskets from your office.

Iconferentz_medium Still got it. Wha-what!