It's Time to Battle (Rap)

...and then we'll bring Bullock in motion to the slot. Now, here's where we are going to surprise some teams. With Bullock in the slot, our quarterback will hand the ball off to Weisman for a stretch run left. I cannot wait to bring this on-- -

I'm sorry, sir, but another fruit basket has arrived.

Another one?

Yes, and it's a big one. Do you want me to put it with the rest?

Sigh. Yes.

The secretary struggles with a large fruit basket and accidentally knocks over part of Kirk's collection of model cars.

OK, that ‘s it. I've had enough of this. It is once again time for me to take matters into my own hands.

You don't mean?

Yes, yes I do. Fetch my gear.

God have mercy.

20 minutes later...

I cannot tell you enough how excited the athletic program is about the basketball season.

Hey, it's just a start. We want to do even better next year.

I'm going to be honest with you, after the disappointing year that the football team had, the state needed this.

I can tell, I'm not going to need to go to the grocery store for months.

You know what, I'm in a good mood. Let's make a call, I know a team that is always looking for transfers.

How dare you!!!

Whoa, Kirk I couldn't see you over the baskets.

I thought prank calls were our thing. Now you're stepping out with this flash in the pan.

Flash in the pan?!!! I- I- I- I- (takes deep breath)

I can tell you're upset, Kirk. I'm sorry, what can I do for you?

For one, start bringing some of these fruit baskets home. I want my office to smell like fresh linen, not the rain forest.

OK, OK, that's reasonable.

Two, I want you to hold a press conference, put this basketball season to bed and remind our fans that it's time to think about football.

Think about football?!!! You want me to tell the fans to think about football? I can't do that. I won't!

Then you leave me choice.

Kirk peels down the zipper of his windbreaker

I challenge you to a freestyle rap battle.

Oh no.

A what?

A freestyle rap battle. Me versus you. Nothing on the line, but pride.

Wait, you're serious.

Do you know why the last two coaches left, what's-his-face and the guy with the glasses?

Because they went to a combined three NCAA tournaments?

No. It's because they were unable to equal my rhymes and were shamed into leaving. Isn't that right Gary?

Nope.

Don't run from the truth Gary. Or do you think it's too scary? You best be leery because I'm no longer cheery.

(to Gary) He raps?

It's all he does during the offseason.

So let's do this. Gary, drop me a beat.

What? I can't do that.

Gary begins to beat box

Let me begin.

The hair gel, the smirks, the well-tailored suits

Pretty good for someone who never recruits

Hair gel?

You're pious, you're phony, you think you're the one

But I bet a decade from now you'll release a press release saying you're sorry for what you've done

You're no Dr. Tom, you're not even Dr. Evil

I'm not really familiar with either of those people

This is not Indiana, so don't act a fool.

It's about time you realize - this is a football school.

I'm out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait, wait, wait. I might be mistaken, but this sounds like you're describing Coach Alf-

No! No! I just thought this up now. No doubt.

I'm not from Indiana, I don't use hair gel and all of my suits come from the good people at the Burlington Coat Factory.

OK, OK, the last set of rhymes did not slay-ya, but can you deal with this dose of truth playa? Gary, give me another beat.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Here we go.

Where'd all the fans go, I only see a few.

Maybe it's because you score fewer points than even we do.

Your program has a revolving door, everybody balks.

You'll never ever, ever see that with my group of Hawks.

You talk about the Butler way and what it is all about.

Well, I asked Jeeves and it said: Your connection has timed out.

I'm not really good with computers, so I'm not sure what that means.

But get out of my office, here comes Shonn Greene.

Now can you dig that?

I'm almost positive that you had your secretary transcribe your so-called rap battle with Coach Lickliter from 2008 and you just recited it to me.

That's not, what, heh, heh, heh, that's, that's not true at all.

Do you have anything that's about me?

Yes. Absolutely, you sure you want this? I do not take any prisoners.

Try me.

Alright, here we go Gary. One more time.

So you packed Carver, is that what I hear?

Well, um... Kinnick was full too and we went 4-8 last year.

It's time to think about football, time to get the fans excited

It's been five months since our last game and no one has been indicted

We're, uh, umm, trying something new this year, it's year two of Greg Davis

And if all else fails, we've got stretch run left to save us.

We're going to a bowl game, I guarantee it.

Just like that, um, hippie, who was in those commercials with Farrah Fawcett.

The basketball team had a nice run, you filled Hawkeye Nation with pride

But it's football season now, so please step aside.

I'm sorry I was so rough, but sometimes you just have to unleash the beast.

That was pretty good, but I have a response.

You what?

You step in here, trying to act all tough

But (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) has had enough

The (bleep) season might be (bleep) (bleep) over

But (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) we're not close to being done so take cover

I'll make this short, I'll make this sweet, that's my vow

You (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep) (bleep)

(bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)

It's our school now.

Kirk stands with mouth agape.

You, you, you, you can't swear in rap.

Are you sure because I'm thinking of a second verse right now.

No, no that's fine. That's fine. I'm a gracious winner, but an even better loser. You've won this round, but football will be back. Enjoy the fruit.

Kirk walks back to his office.

Do I dare ask how things went.

I think I made my point.

I assumed so, some of the basketball staff came and cleared away all of the fruit baskets from your office.

Still got it. Wha-what!