The Hawkeyes Go Hollywood

Alright, what's on the docket today?

Well, we have a full schedule of interviews to replace our video coordinator.

What? Engelbert's leaving? When did this happen?

Earlier this month.

I'm telling you, all this staff turnover is really taking its toll. Thanks a lot Erb.

Anyway, Mr. Barta put the job opening on the school website and you wouldn't believe the response.

Film director needed. Money, money, money. Looking for creative directors with desire, vision and a distinct title. $. $. $. Awards a distinct possibility. Only have to answer to one man, Bloodpunch. All applicants welcome, except Jamie Pollard. Mucho dinero.

Oh boy.

Ooooooooh, it looks like your first applicant has arrived. Right this way, sir.

Welcome, Mr. ?

Bay, Michael Bay, nice to meet you.

Well, Michael what can you tell me about yourself?

Well I've directed a film or two. Perhaps you've heard of Transformers?

Nope.

Bad Boys?

Uh-uh.

Armageddon?

Is that the one with the asteroid?

(excitedly) Yes!

And Morgan Freeman as the president?

No, that was Deep Impact.

Then, no.

So you haven't seen my work, that's OK because I've prepared a visual aid. Do you remember when Shonn Green bulldozed that Purdue safety?

I do. That was a good memory.

Well, now watch as that gets Bayed.

Bayed?

Just watch.

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! KA-BOOOM!

But that explosion never happened.

The video says differently. And I am willing to add similar explosions for big hits, big blocks and all punts.

Hmmmmm. Punt... explosions... It's pretty tempting. You know what, I'll get back to you. Thank you for stopping by.

Thank you.

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Okay, we've talking now for an hour. We've talked about the origin of Groundhog Day, the importance of the Shaft theme and the proper temperature to cook a pizza bagel. Are we ever going to talk about football and the job?

Sorry. Sorry. You see, I think Iowa is perfect for my next project and I'll show you why.

Well, that is definitely game film, but I'm pretty sure that it is from the 1980s.

Exactly. Here's what I am thinking. Okay. It's the 1980s. Yuppies, bright neon colors and the high-flying Iowa football team. Now everyone, okay, thinks Iowa is a shell of its former self from the early 80s. But, you see, Iowa's got a secret weapon, a quarterback with a rocket arm, an incredible love life, a horrible drug problem and a price tag on his head. The mob is out to get him, drug dealers are out to get him, Ohio State is out to get him. How, okay, does he survive? Well, you see, we'll show that right at the beginning and then end the movie with the quarterback being born, and here's the twist, in Nazi Germany. The whole movie has been in a dystopian timeline.

I know I'm going to sound dumb, but something seems off here. What's a yuppie?

Well, you see, a yuppie was a young businessperson, who often boug-

You know what, this is too much.

Wait, wait. Don't you want to hear the title? "Chuck-it-Long".

Get out of here.

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Now Mr. Snyder, you're telling me that the entire 60-minute game will be in slow motion. At the rate we're going it will take about 10 hours to get through one tape.

The ultimate viewing experience.

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These aren't even football highlights.

Bet, you didn't see that one coming.

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Can I ask you a question?

Absolutely.

Do you have any children?

Yes, I have five.

Any sons?

Three of them.

And how is your relationship with your sons?

Well it can be tough because all three of them are associated with the program.

Is that right? Very... very interesting.

OK, this is starting to creep me out. Please leave.

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I promise this venture will make a profit, in fact I guarantee it.

Well, the football program is already a strong money ma-

All I need is a green screen, your best group of computer animators and 600 million dollars.

Next!

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I was thinking of filming the entire season in Versailles.

Next!

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Now if I do take this job, I do need to know - what is your feeling on camp?

Oh camp's very important. It gives a chance for the team to come together and it allows us to see the growth players have made during the summer.

Next!

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This has been horrible. Not a single applicant has even come close to Engelbert. Do you have his number? I'll beg.

Well we do have one final applicant. And, ooh, he's here now. Come right through here, sir.

Thank you, ma'am. Mr. Ferentz it's a pleasure.

Thank you for coming in (looks down at resume) Hayden. Ummm... how do you pronounce your last name?

Moo-stash-rid-day. It's French.

Okay. I'm going to stick with Hayden if it's alright with you. Now before we start, I'm sorry, I have to say - you look a lot like.

I know, I know. Clark Gable. I get it all the time.

That's not... you know what. Forget it.

I just want to say that I am a huge Hawkeye fan and I think I have the video experience that will help the program. For instance:

Ummm... OK.

I also brought two more, there's this:

And this:

Hayden, I'm going to be honest with you. I am... kind of intrigued. I don't know what it is, but these videos are doing it for me. So you're a big Iowa fan and have some strong video evidence, anything else I should know.

Well I was once roommates with your old buddy Ken O'Keefe.

No way! You're that Hayden?! We thought for sure that this was just another imaginary friend. In fact, Reese Morgan owes me five bucks. You know what. Any friend of Ken is a friend of mine. You've got the job.

You mean it?

I do.

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Then they shake hands and, wait for it, another explosion. Then, fade to end credits. That's the movie.

So let me get this straight, your Transformers prequel is about a cooler version of yourself, only with a mustache, who earns a job with a down-on-their-luck college football team and ‘transforms' them into a contender just with his video recordings of their games which, in your words, contain about 30-40 explosions.

That's exactly right.

I love it.

(Hat tip to HawkeyeHistorian for the 1985 Iowa video and of course HaydenFry'sMustacheRide, who is the preeminent jort-clad director of our time)